Share your txt jokes

**Jase H** · 16th February 2017, 09:44

Originally Posted by Bikkie

What's the most sensitive part of your body when your having a wank??
It's your ears as you listening in case anyone is coming.

Aren't you coming?

**Bikkie** · 18th February 2017, 05:19

I've been sacked from my job as a bingo caller.Apparently,"A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call 69!

If you walk past Beethovens grave,you can hear his 5th symphony but backwards.He's just decomposing.

**Bikkie** · 26th February 2017, 04:56

Why does Beyonce sing "To the left,to the left?"
Because black people have no rights.

What's the smallest hotel in the world?
A vagina,because you can't get your bags inside.

**Bikkie** · 4th March 2017, 05:05

A misunderstanding
....................
My girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me down to the games room.
She gets on top of the snooker table and onto her hands and knees.
She's got on a skirt and I can see she's not wearing any knickers.
She says,"Pink or brown.Take your pick.I said,"How the fuck can I play snooker when you're on the table?!"
Stupid cow.

**Bikkie** · 5th March 2017, 05:15

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one,Michael J.Fox has a small one,Madonna doesn't have one.
The pope has one but doesn't use it,Dominique Strauss-Khan uses his all the time.
What is it?
A last name! And shame on you thinking it was something else."

**Bikkie** · 11th March 2017, 05:35

What do you get when you cross an owl with a rooster?
A cock that stays up all night long.

**Bikkie** · 12th March 2017, 05:29

A misunderstanding
.....................

I've just received a text from my girlfriend that reads:"Hello birthday boy.When you get home from work,there'll be
a hot bath waiting for you.
When you've finished,come into the bedroom and I'll suck you dry."

"Fuck that it'll take ages.I'll just use a towel."

**Bikkie** · 26th March 2017, 05:29

What's the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine?
The PRICKS ARE ON THE INSIDE!

**Bikkie** · 28th March 2017, 06:43

Headline in Newspaper reads: Adele's concert in Auckland almost washed out,as the weather was a Adele-luge.

**Stu999c** · 28th March 2017, 13:42

**Bikkie** · 8th April 2017, 06:30

"I would never be unfaithful to my wife for the simple reason that I love my house too much."

**Bikkie** · 15th April 2017, 06:47

Easter Sunday:

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday,the young farm boy decided to play a prank.
He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single eeg with a brightly coloured one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the coloured eggs,then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

Boiling Water:

What did the easter egg say to the boiling water?
It's going to take a while for me to get hard...I just got laid by a chick.

At first a little nibble-a slow and tempting lick I suck and munch my liquid lunch then I swallow quick.
CADBURY CREAM EGG HOW DO YOU EAT YOURS?

4 Reasons why you wouldn't want to be an Easter Egg:
1: you get laid once.
2: You only get eaten once.
3: It takes you 3 minutes to get hard.
4: You get tossed in the garbage when they're finished with you.

And then there is 1 reason that you would want to be an Easter Egg,is that you'll get the cream sucked out of you. Smile

**Bikkie** · 6th May 2017, 06:45

I came home from work and told my wife that I've been given a promotion at work which means I get my own office my own private secretary.
"Well,you'd better hire someone who's old,fat,ugly,with a bad attitude.I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."
"That's fair enough" I replied."When can you start?"

**Bikkie** · 11th June 2017, 06:31

I made my wife's dreams come true and we were married in a castle.
But you sure wouldn't have know it from the look on her face as we
were bouncing around.

"Has anyone told you how gorgeous you look?" I asked the girl behind the counter.
"No," she smiled. "Well if they do," I said,"Send them to my specsavers shop next door."

When she walked out she said,"You are never going to find someone like me again."
which was really funny because my next Asian girlfriend looked exactly the same.

**Bikkie** · 13th June 2017, 07:41

Unbelievable....Theresa May has spent all day putting together a new cabinet.
The countries in a total mess and she's fucking about with furniture!

I once tried to buy a house on a old Indian reservation.When I asked if it came with running water,he told me to fuck off and find my own wife.

I remember the time the police caught me shagging a young deer.
I was arrested for fawnication.