Share your txt jokes

[Bikkie]

And I thought Black Friday sale was just another Nigger Slave auction.

[ZackTyler]

A blind man enters a bar and finds his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister.

You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

[ZackTyler]

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.

The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?”

The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

[ZackTyler]

They say that there are plenty of fish in the sea.

But until I catch one, I'm just going to be sitting here, holding my rod.

[Bikkie]

They say that prostitution is the worlds oldest profession.
Well who the fuck had money to pay for it then?

Go down a waterslide while it isn't wet and then you'll understand why foreplay is so important.

Writing "Do not insert into ear" on a packet of cotton buds is like writing "Do not inject into veins" on a bag of smack.

A man has been arrested after trying to scale the security fence at the White House.
Police who led the man away were heard to say,"We don't care how bad it is,you've another 3 years to seve,Mr.President."

Gynaecologists use a device called a speculum to spread open the vagina.
I prefer to call it a flap jack.

My doctor said I've been having to much phone sex!
Now I have hearing aids!!!!

I like my women like my golf scores,in their 80's with a slight handicap.

Bring your child to work day must be awkward for prosititutes!

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them.
So I did that,and now I feel much better.But do I keep the letters?

What is the least spoken lanuage in the world?
Sign language.

Sign lanuage.It's pretty handy.

A man who took an airline to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.


I was going to post a joke about poofs.
Butt fuck it.

What do you call a chinese guy with a video camera?
Phil- Ming.

I was in a taxi today and the driver said,"I love my job I'm my own boss nobody tells me what to do."
Then I said,"Turn left."

[Bikkie]

I was disgusted when I recognized my gran in an old porno movie.Not that she made it,but that I carried on wanking.

[ZackTyler]

A kid asked his dad..

Kid: Dad, what is an alcoholic?

Dad: You see these 4 cars, an alcoholic would see 8 cars.

Kid: But there are only 2 cars.

[ZackTyler]

A recent survey found only 20% of parents were eating dinner with their children..

...the other 80% were using a knife and fork.

[Bikkie]

As Elton John was made a sir,what does that make David Furnish?
Knight Rider.

I know a really slutty Roman girl who kept shouting
"509! 509!"
She really likes DIX....


My date Said I have to woo her before I get her into bed.
So I pulled out my dick,started spinning it around and yelled "Woooooooo!"

[Bikkie]

A boss buys his gorgeous secretary an expensive fur coat for christmas.
As she's wearing it in front of the mirror admiring herself.
The boss looks her up and down and says,"You're knickers are coming down."
Embarassingly she has a quick look to check,
She says,"No they're not."
He says,"They are or that coat's going back to the shop."

I was never wanted as a child.
Every christmas I would get a packet of batteries with the words
[ Toys not included ]

Stevie Wonder once got a cheese grater for christmas.
He said, "It was the most violent book I've ever read in my life."

My kids keep on taking the piss out on my alzheimers.
Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire.

'There won't be snow in Africa this christmas time."
No shit Geldof.Let me inform you you scruffy fuck wit that there won't be any fucking Africans either,
they're all here,

[Bikkie]

Pornhub have decided
to go all festive by
adding snow to their
homepage.Well I'm
assuming it's snow.


Make Christmas more
entertaining by
sending a Christmas
card to your
neighbours with things
like "To the prick with
the noisy dog hope
you have a shite xmas."
Then sign it from an
other cunt of a
neighbour.


6 Bottles of wine,3
bottles of cider,1JD,
2 vodka,3x24 packs
of stell,1 bottle of
rum and 2 gin.Weekly
shop done.better start
thinking about getting
something in for
Christmas.

[Bikkie]

There was a man from
Saudi who bought his
wife an Audi she said,
"Wow that's pretty cool
Now I can drive your
other wives to school."



Now that Saudi Arabia
is to revoke its ban on
women drivers,all
those Muslims blokes
wives will finally be
able to get behind the
wheel.It's just a pity
their feet don't reach
the pedals.


Saudi king issues
decree allowing
women to drive.
Fucking hell man,Like
Saudi wasn't a
dangerous enough
place already?..




I was getting
undressed in front of
my new blonde
girlfriend.I dropped
my underpants and
she said,"I thought
you told me that you
had at least a foot."
"No,I said that I'd got
Athletes Foot."

[Bikkie]

Breaking News:

In the music world
Jeremy Corbyn and the Commie
Snowflakles are to release a seasonal
single. I'm dreaming of a red Christmas.


It must be so depressing to be a vegan during the christmas period.
I mean,imagine how shit Christmas Day
must be if you're already a massive
cunt and then to make things
worse,you havn't got any friends.

[Bikkie]

I took 4 of my wife's sleeping tabets the other night and they didn't even affect me.
Anyway got to go.I need to do some last minute christmas shopping.

For Christmas I got a great self help book.
I think it's going to do wonders for my sex life,it's titled,
"Men's guide to getting Tits and pussy whenever you want it."
by Caitlyn Jenner.

[Bikkie]

10 Things a woman will never say:

1: Do you think this dress makes me look too slim?

2:You take me out too much.Can't we just stay in?

3:A fake one will do.

4:You look stressed out,let me give you a blow job.

5:Have a night out with your friends,you deserve it.

6:My mother is a real old bitch.

7:No,no You buy me too much already.

8:Give it me hard up the arse big boy.You know I love it.

9:What headache?

10:Put your money away,let me buy the round.