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[Bikkie]

Why does a bride smile while walking down the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blowjob.

[Bikkie]

Why is it that a lot of Ford car names sound better when you put "anal" in front of them?
probe,Ranger,Explorer,Escort,Fiesta,Galaxy and Cougar.

Newtons third law of Emotion:For every male action there is a female overreaction.

Last night watching children in need the presenter said,"Pick up your phone and pledge."
I sat there for fucking hours with phone in one hand and tin of polish in the other
wondering what the hell do I do now.

Yoko Ono is a better survivalist than Ray Mears or Bear Grylis.
She's been surviving off one dead Beatle since 1980.

My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now.
I always wondered what kept them together.
Then I saw the swear jar.

[Bikkie]

I'm so old,I remember when water was free
and you had to pay for porn.

It was so cold this morning that I actually saw a socialist
with his hands in his own pockets.

Coffee and cocaine.
It seems the only reason
Columbia exists is to
wake the rest of the world up...

"I'm sorry for your loss," I said to the guy
taking flowers into
the funeral palour
"Thanks mate",he
laughed,"But I'm just
delivering for
Interfloral." "I know,
and some kid has just
stolen your van."

I ask people why they
say prolly,they say
because it's shorter
than probably,,,
When I get asked to
do something,I just
say No,because it's
shorter than yes...

[Bikkie]

Just checking
on you...
I heard a loud pop
and thought you may
have pulled your head
out of your arse.

When someone says
"Expect the unexpected"
slap them and say
"You didn't expect
that,did you?"

If he is willing to
give you the moon
and stars
you should be
willing to
sacrifice uranus.

[Bikkie]

Mirrors
don't lie
and lucky for you
they don't laugh.

My wife sucked an
electric cord into the
vaccum cleaner and I
couldn't get it
working again."A
real man would be
able to fix it," she
sneered, "A real
woman wouldn't fuck
up the hoovering."
I replied.

[Bikkie]

At a U2 concert in
Glasgow Scotland
[ Bono ] asked the
audience for total quiet
then,in the silence he
started to slowly clap
his hands,and every few
seconds,holding the
audience in total
silence,he said into the
microphone,"Everytime
I clap my hands,a child
dies." From the front of
the crowd a voice with
a broad scottish accent
pierced the quiet,"Well
fuckin stop doin it
then,Ya evil bastard!"

[Bikkie]

F.A.S.T.F-Face-is
the face black?
A-Arms-Do they
wander picking up
objects not belonging
to them? S-Speech-Are
they saying "Arks"
instead of "Ask" T-Time
to call the cops.
They are a Nigger.

I will never foget the
day I got married.I've
tried everything: drugs,alcohol,
even hyposis.

How's my New Years
resolution going so far?
Well allow me to explain.

Exercise Exercis Exerci Exerc
Exer Exe Ex Ext Extr
Extra Extra la Extra
lar Extra larg
Extra large Extra large d
Extra large do Extra
large don Extra large done
Extra large doner kebab.

[Bikkie]

AS a proud scot,I like
to wear the kilt or as
my neighbour's kids
call it....snakey's
Magic Tartan
Playtent.

I just found out
cockfighting involves
chickens...six months of
training wasted.

[Akzle]

there's no shortage of midgets

[Bikkie]

What separtes the
humans from the
animals?
The Mediterranean sea.

Drugs and alcohol are
never the answer.
Unless someone asks
me "What are you
doing this weekend?"

I've got a black peppper
grinder.Bit
extravagant,but he'd
only be out mugging if
I wasn't employing
him.

As much of a
thrill-seeker as I am,I
would never bungee
jump,I came into this
world because of a
broken rubber and I'm
not going out because
of one.


"That woman who
played Pussy Galore in
the Bond flims has
split her fanny open."
said Paddy to Mick.
"Honor Blackman?"
Replied Mick. "No"
said Paddy. "On a
massive fucking
dildo.

Teacher: "Now class,if
I have have 5 plums in my
right hand and 7 plums
in my left hand.What
does that give me?"
Little Johnny:"The shits,Miss."

[Bikkie]

A pharmacist walked into his shop
to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?",he asked his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup,but I
couldn't find any so I gave him an
entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist,"You
can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied,
"Look at him.......he dare not
cough now!!

[Bikkie]

My girfriend tried to
make me have sex on
the hood of her
Honda civic....But I
refused.If I'm going
to have sex,it's going
to be on my own
Accord.

Without JFK America
has become a *uc*ing
*o*e.

PEOPLE IN GLASS
HOUSES...SHOULDN'T
THROW SEX
PARTIES!!!

I always read my
wife's horoscope to
see what kind of day
I'm going to have.

"Belinda Carlisle sing,"We
dream the same dream,"But
I can't believe that every night
Belinda Carlisle has a wet
dream about Wilma
Flintstone."

Women logic-
Wearing a reavling
black dress to protest
Hollywood sexual
abuse.

[Jase H]

The founder of IKEA, Ingvar Kamprad, has died at the age of 91.

Will the coffin be flat packed?

[Bikkie]

Germany has been
testing the effects of
diesel fumes on
humans and monkeys.
Well if any country is
qualifed to test the
effects of gas on living
things then I guess
that would be Germany.

Adolf Hitler's mercedes
is up for auction.
I bet it's good on the gas.



Coming soon,the
quickest Ikea
assembly ever.The
reading of Ingvar
Kamprad's will.

How do you confuse
Stevie Wonder? Glue
all the door knobs to a
wall.

Just as we finished our
meal,I said to my Korean date,"c'mon
let's go back to mine
and have a bit of
doggy." She said,
"Fuck off I'm stuffed."

[Bikkie]

Medical Fact:
If a woman
drinks two glasses of wine
a day it increases the
chance of a stroke.If you
let her finish the bottle
she'll probably suck it as
well.

Sex is like COOKING
Everyone can do it.
But only some
people make it
Delicious.

I'm on the seaweed
diet
Everytime I see
weed I smoke it.

After several
attempts,I've finally
had sex with my
girlfriend on the back
of a motorcycle.It
was a Triumph.

I asked a girl in a bar
if she was interested
in having sex with
me. "I rather go
home and
masturbate" she
abruptly replied.I
said,"Fine
let's do
that."

What's the leading
cause of dry skin?
Towels.

Little Johnny is
sitting in front of the
tv watching a
program about NASA.
"I wish I could be shot
into space." he said.
"You would have
been if your father
had done what he was
told." replied his
mother.