Share your txt jokes

[Bikkie]

If she eats her French fries
with a fork,she's probably not
going to do that thing you like.

Saw two druggies having a 69 in the park
earlier on.He was on crack,she was on blow.

[Bikkie]

LIFE TIP: When she gives
you good head
reward her,it will be
even better next time.

Decaffeinated coffee is like
a hooker who only wants
to cuddle.

After Monday and Tuesday,even
the calendar says WTF........

As I have grown older,
I've learned that pleasing
everyone is impossible,but
pissing everyone off is
a piece of cake.

[Bikkie]

"Happy Mothers Day Mum! How
does breakfast in bed sound?"
"ooh,that sounds lovely!" "Great
I'll have a full English."

A vagina is like the
weather.Once it
gets wet,its time to
go inside.

Girls! If you get a message from
your boyfriend saying that he wants
to "kick your puppy." Don't call the
SPCA....He's just not very good at
predictive text.

Holding a door open for a woman and
saying,"You go first" really
means:You go first I just want
to check out your arse.

The first thing a man notices in a
woman is her eyes.As soon as her
eyes aren't looking he notices her
tits...

[Bikkie]

You never see churches
with free WIFI because no
church wants to
compete with an
invisible power that
actually works.


Marriage is a
relationship in which
one person is always
right and the other
is the husband.

Men of a few words
are usually married
to women with them.

I named my penis the truth.
Because bitches can't handle it.

THINGS I SAY MOST WHILE DRIVING.

*Fucking go then.

*Fucking speed up.

*Move out the fucking way.

*Fucking prick.

( sign on a McDonalds window ]

It takes two hands to handle
a whopper.

Stevie Wonder
first black man to tell
police "I aint see shit!!!"

Mexican word of the day.
Nutella.
My wife she no listen,so I
nutella notheen!

My wife asked me what the female
version of a "Man cave" would be.
I told her it's called "A kitchen."

I just had a chick use a pickup line
on me that made me wanna marry her.
She ran her fingers across my face
and said,"Is this seat taken?"

Two crabs on a fanny.
Which one is doing drugs?
The one sniffing the crack.

[Bikkie]

Going to subway is
like seeing a prostitue.
You pay somebody else to
do your wife's job.

I lost the bar trivia
contest last night by
one point.The last
question was,"Where do
women have the curliest
hair?"
Apparently the correct
answer is Fiji.

[Bikkie]

A hungry traveler stopped at a
monastery and was taken to the
kitchen where a brother was
frying chips..."Are you the friar?"
he asked.The brother replied,"No
I'm the chip monk."

[Bikkie]

My wife called and
said,"I want to find
you naked when I
get home from work."
I feel awkward sat
here with her
mother,but hey a
shags a shag.

If we didn't have
orgasms.How would
us men know when to
stop!!!

Two flies on a door,
which one is gay?
The one on the knob.

[Bikkie]

If a woman wants to be
held,hold her.If
she is sad,love her.
If she is drunk,well...then
try for anal.

Nothing beats a nice
pair of boobs and
Jack Daniels.
Well...Maybe a blowjob.
A really nice blowjob.

CLEAVAGE
Something you can look
down on and approve of
at the same time.

Just saw the little boy
next door licking whip
cream off the cat.
Pretty sure he heard
something he shouldn't
have.

GRILS. Don't worry
about a nice dress
for that important
first date.
All were interested
in is seeing you naked.

Fellas be careful that
new Gillette ball
technology is a bit
misleading.
( sent from A&E )


I was standing next to
an Eskimo having a
piss.I asked,"What
are those marks all
down your cock?"
He said,"They're from
my wife's teeth
chattering."

[Bikkie]

A 73 year old woman
is in court for
streaking at the
Chelsea Flower
Show.She was let
off with a caution
but was awarded 1st
prize for best dried
bush arrangement.

[Bikkie]

Men look at boobs for the
same reason a little kid
looks at puppies in a cage
We just want to set them
free and play with them.

Dear neighbour,
last night I believe I
could hear you and your
BF having sex.Do you
mind being louder? It was
hard for me to masturbate
while holding a cup on
the wall.
Love
Guy at No.17

The only F
word out a
woman's
mouth that
should scare
you is "fine."

[Bikkie]

I went up to the
missus this morning
and said,"I have a big
problem." she replied
"Now look,you don't
have a problem,we
have a problem,
remember our
wedding day? for
better for worse,for
richer for poorer and
all that,now what's
this so called big
problem?" I said,
"We got your
sister pregnant."

We've given feminists
an inch and they've
taken a yard.The new
Doctor who is female.
We all know doctors
can't be female,it
should be Nurse Who.

What do you call a
duck without a bill? A
responsible and up to
date payer of financial
demands.

American kids are
really looking
forward to the
summer hoildays No
more studing or
getting shot at until
the Autum.

[Bikkie]

After watching Iran,
Morocco,Saudi,Arabia,
Egypt and Tunisia crash
out of the World Cup.
I'd beginning to
think F.I.F.A
stands for Football Isn't
For Arabs.

[Bikkie]

So it's Dry July.
So I'll be taking
part by drinking,
Dry Cider,Dry Gin,
Dry Martini,Dry White wine
And Canada Dry mixer with
any other shots.

[Daffyd]

After watching Iran,
Morocco,Saudi,Arabia,
Egypt and Tunisia crash
out of the World Cup.
I'd beginning to
think F.I.F.A
stands for Football Isn't
For Arabs.

There's still one Arab country in the race... The UK.

[Bikkie]

Men look at boobs for the
same reason a little kid
looks at puppies in a cage.
We just want to set them
free and play with them.

Sometimes God sends an ex
back into your life to see
if you're still stupid.

What do you call an English
man holding the World Cup?
The Engraver.