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Thread: Share your txt jokes

  1. #1021
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Text Joke

    What is the
    difference between a
    limp dick and a
    refugee? One iS hard
    to get in,the other
    one hard to get out.

  2. #1022
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile

    I just walked into
    a local liberal
    ran bookstore
    and asked for
    Trump's new
    immigration
    book.
    The owner said
    "Get the fuck
    out."
    I said,"Yes
    that's the one."

    Patient:"Hey doc,I would
    like to get rid of my love handles"
    Doctor:"You sure would
    look funny without
    your ears."

  3. #1023
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Text Jokes

    The Mafia have decided to get into
    online crime to keep up to date.
    They have a new app called
    Pay-up-pal.

    What's the difference
    between a dog and a fox?
    About six beers.

  4. #1024
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Text Jokes

    What's the most
    intelligent thing to
    come out of a woman's
    mouth?
    Einsten's cock....

    New sexual practice.
    'The Mini Van: Two in
    the front and as many
    as you can fit in the
    back.

  5. #1025
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Text Jokes

    1 caught mt 14 year old
    son having a wank.I
    told him "If you do that,
    you'll go blind." He
    replied "Can I do it untill
    I need glasses?"

    ( saw this on the back of a females car )

    If you are going to ride
    my arse at least pull
    my hair.

  6. #1026
    Join Date
    4th June 2018 - 11:11
    Bike
    MichaelpumPG
    Location
    Virgin Islands
    Posts
    6

    Share your txt jokes

    One "yank" that thanks you for the explanation.

    Sounds like something similar to our Starbucks?


  7. #1027
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Text Jokes

    Women's Quote Of The Day:

    "Men are like a
    fine wine.They all
    start out like grapes,
    and it's our job to
    stomp on them and
    keep them in the dark
    until they mature into
    something with which
    you'd like to have
    dinner with."

    Man's Counter-Quote Of The Day:

    "Women are like
    a fine wine.They all
    start out fresh,fruity
    and intoxicating to the
    mind and then turn
    full-bodied with age
    until they go all sour
    and vinegary and give
    you a fucking
    headache!!"

    New relationships are
    like joining a gym.In
    the beginning there's
    so much hope.

  8. #1028
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Text Jokes

    A word to the wise
    chaps.If you borrow
    your wifes car to go
    dogging in and don't
    want her to find out,
    for fucks sake
    remember to unplug
    the dashcam.

    Is marriage a lottery?
    No-in the lottery,
    the odds of being
    made happy are only
    1 in 45 million.

    My wife is a sex
    object.......eveytime
    I ask for sex she
    fucking objects!

  9. #1029
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Text Joke

    "So Paddy," said Mick. "Did you
    remember to put your clock
    forward like I said?" "I did that."
    replied Paddy."But I won't be
    doing it again." "Why not,Paddy?"
    "It tipped off the mantlepiece and
    smashed tp pieces."

  10. #1030
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Text Joke

    Had to go visit the
    sperm bank a few
    days ago....The
    woman behind the
    desk asked me if I
    "could you please
    masturbate in the
    cup" I replied "Well I
    am pretty good but
    I'm not ready to
    enter any
    tournaments yet."

  11. #1031
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Mama said,"Life is like
    a box of chocolates...
    you never know what
    you're gonna get."
    Well every box of
    chocolates is required
    to list each one on the
    back or on that little
    tag attached to it both
    for people with nut
    allergies and also to
    entice customers with
    their unique
    selections.So do one
    Forrest.

    What takes up 18
    parking spaces?
    9 woman drivers.

    The police claim I
    didn't pass my
    Breathalyzer.I know
    for a fact I did.It was
    in their car when I
    overtook it doing
    130 mph.

    New Divorced Barbie
    comes with all of
    Ken's accessories.

    A prostitute new to
    the game was told by
    her pimp,"No sex for
    the first 7 days just
    wanks!" She asked...
    "Why only
    wanks?"...Her pimp
    said..."Union
    rules!...you gotta
    work a week in
    hand!"

    Social Housing,
    where anti-social
    people live.

    YGOLOHCYSP:
    Reverse psychology

    My gay neighbour
    empathetically only
    gives loans to those
    suffering from issues
    of sexuality.He's a
    tender bender
    gender lender.

    Faceboook are
    launching a dating
    app that's going to let
    users choose between
    five genders.Well,
    I'm all for equality
    and think it's about
    time they included
    the other three
    genders-Attention
    seeker,Mentally ill
    and In denial.

    I went to the chemist
    to get some lube.
    "We don't have any,
    Have you tried
    Boots?" I said,
    "I want to
    glide in,not fucking march in!"

    I answered an advert,
    "Wanted,someone to
    stroke my long
    golden hair and to
    enjoy long walks on
    the beaches or
    through the woods.I
    want to have dinners
    with you and spend
    all night cuddled up
    to you.I want to gaze
    at you as you sleep,I
    will be there for you,
    to help guide you
    through your life."
    Anyway,I'm picking
    up my golden
    retriever puppy next
    week.

    That moment
    when you slide the
    condom on and
    look at yourself in
    the mirror with a
    massive hard on.
    Then you tell the
    chemist,"I'll take
    it."

  12. #1032
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Christmas Jokes

    Just saved a
    fucking fortune on
    Christmas shit.
    Bought an old
    stags head and
    stuck in on the
    front room wall.
    Told my kids the
    reindeer are dead
    and Santa can't
    get round,but I'll
    make sure they
    get some nice veal
    steaks for
    Christmas day.

    Theresa May
    might as well
    become a
    Jehovahs
    Witness.They
    don't have a party
    at Christmas
    either.

    It was the night of
    Christmas Eve and
    the missus who
    had plumped up
    over recent years
    was feeling horny.
    She whispered in
    my ear,"Fist fuck
    me on the dinning
    table in the
    kitchen,I want it
    so bad." So we
    went downstairs
    and she laid back
    first on the
    table,feet flat and
    legs at 10 past 2.
    After kifting her
    gut away I was
    anle to see her
    dripping gash.It
    was so wet that
    my fist slid in with
    ease but as I
    popped it in I
    noticed my 5 year
    old son in the
    door way.He
    looked at me with
    my fist buried
    elbow deep in this
    soggy crevice,
    then went to the
    fridge and got out
    a bowl of pork
    mince.He popped
    it into my other
    hand and said
    "Mum uses this
    when she's
    stuffing the
    turkey."

    "Do you know
    why we don't
    celebrate
    Christmas?" this
    Jewish father
    asked his little Yid.
    "Is it because we
    are the meanest
    cunts on the
    planet and make
    the scottish look
    like spendthrifts?"
    he replied.

    Stay politicallly correct this
    Christmas by
    buying your child
    an action gender
    fluid doll,
    Complete with
    machine gun,
    rocket launcher,
    penis,breasts,
    make up and a flat
    500 with
    eyelashes.

    Befor you laugh
    at children who
    believe in Father
    Christmas,
    remember,there
    are adults who still
    believe in Jose
    Mourinho...

    We used to have a
    girl nicknamed
    Rudolph at school
    not because she
    had a red nose
    because she used
    to go down in
    history,

    My lad has come
    to me and asked
    for transformers
    for Christmas.Now
    I don't mins the
    expense.I mean I
    can pick them up
    at KmaRT FOR LIKE
    $50.But what on
    earth does a 5 year
    old have that
    needs to run on
    110v.

  13. #1033
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile

    With so many beauiful
    friends to wish a Happy
    New Year to I thought
    I'd get the ugly ones
    out of the way first.
    Happy New Year to
    you!

    Wishing you and family
    good health and good
    fortune for 2019 take
    care guys and girls.

    2019 is at the door...
    ..Remember.Life is
    short,break the rules,
    forgive quickly,kiss
    slowly,love truly,
    laugh uncontrollably,
    and never regret
    anything that made you
    smile,Send to all the
    people you love and
    don't want to lose in
    2019 even me....if
    you get 3 back your a
    great friend.

    Before the sun sets
    on 2018 Before the
    memories fade Before
    the network gets jammed
    and Before I get drunk
    and lose my phone I'm
    wishing you a very
    Happy and prosperous 2019

  14. #1034
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I was going to
    make some New
    Years resolutions,
    But that just
    perpetuates the
    idea that we
    should try to
    improve ourselves.

    Simon Cowell
    blames New Year's
    Honours snub on
    Panama Papers
    leak.Queen says,
    "Not true-it's
    because you're a
    cunt."

    New Year
    resolution for
    2019 is to get
    over my erectile
    dysfuncyion.I
    don't think it'll be
    hard.

    I took my wife's
    Christmas present
    back to the shop
    today and got her
    a bigger size,the
    girls thought it was
    funny as fuck.
    They've never had
    a scarf returned
    before.

    Wife: "I have
    blisters on my
    hands from the
    broom."
    Husband: "Well next tine
    take the car stupid
    cunt!"

    Little known fact,
    before the
    invention of the
    crowbar,crows
    had to do their
    drinking at home.

    Mary had Dyslexia.
    She also had a
    stammer.So Mary
    never had a Lamb.
    She had L L
    Llama

    Jack and Jill went
    up the hill to
    smoke a little grass
    He wanted a shag
    She was on the rag
    So jack fucked her
    up the arse.

    They say that
    people can no
    longer live without
    facebook,twitter,
    or other social
    media,and get
    genuine anxiety if
    you take away
    their mobiles or
    laptops,even for
    an hour.There's
    even a term for it.
    FOMO fear of
    missing out.No
    it's sadder than
    that.Fatuous.
    Obssesive.Morons
    Online

    I can't believe
    June Whitfield is
    dead.Her
    Christmas Day
    speech was only
    days ago.

    Dyslexics are
    teople poo.

    I'm going to go
    rob a bank
    tomorrow.I plan
    on dressing up in a
    clown wig and
    make up and only
    wearing a thong
    and nipple tassels.
    I'll carry a goat
    and a can of
    fluorescent paint
    in one arm and,
    while in the bank,
    I'm going to fuck
    the goat and
    throw the paint
    over the walls,all
    the time ripping
    up pages of a
    phone book and
    swearing my head
    off.After getting
    the money,I'll
    take a shit on the
    floor and piss
    everywhere.I then
    will escape in a
    van shaped like a
    giant pink cock.
    Let's see
    Police Ten 7 stage
    a reconstruction of
    that fucker.

  15. #1035
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Thumbs up Text Joke

    Happy New Years!
    Wishing you 12 months of success
    52 weeks of laughter
    365 days of fun
    8760 hours of joy
    525600 minutes of good luck
    and 31536000 seconds
    of happiness.

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