Share your txt jokes

[Piper]

I managed to get out in
my soft top convertible
and the old girl got a few
looks with her top down.
"Put your pinny back on
nanna," I said, "It's fucking
June."

[Piper]

Bumper sticker on a
senior's car.
I'm speeding because I
have to get there before I
forget where I'm going.


A Spanish greengrocer
is 1.74 meters tall, has
a waist circumference
of 105 centimeters, and
wears a size of 44. What
does he weigh?
Vegetables.

[Piper]

Anyone who says their
wedding day was the
best day of their life has
obviously never had two
snicker bars fall down
at once from a vending
machine


DID YOU KNOW?

In the 90's Arsenal soccer club had a player
called David Dicks. When he was injured,
the Newspaper wrote, "Arsenal to play
without Dicks."
The coach was upset so the Newspaper
changed the headline to read
"Arsenal to play with Dicks out".... A
record number of women attended the
match.

[Piper]

A young woman had
been talking golf
lessons

She had just started
playing her first round
of golf when she
suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so
intense that she
decided to return to
the clubhouse for help and complain.

Her golf pro Graham saw her come into the
clubhouse and asked, "why are you back in
so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said
"Where?" he asked

"Between the first and second hole," she
replied... He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your
feet were to far apart."


My husband died in a
Bungee Accident...
... He was brought
into this world by
a broken rubber...
And went out
the same way.

[Piper]

A motorcycle is like an
Essex girl. It makes a lot
of noise when you ride it.

[Piper]

Women are like roads, the
more the curves, the more
dangerous they are...

[F5 Dave]

Jesus fuking krist.

Jokes are supposed to be funny.

You have like the world's record of un-funny text posted.

I mean really?

Try a bit harder or flag it.

[Piper]

Size Does Matter

Results of women's survey on size.

Women's response:

2 inches - I can't even hold it.

3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.

4 inches - I've had bigger than it.

5 inches - Good, but I wish a bit bigger.

6 inches - perfect.

7 inches - Love it.

8 inches - Wow! But can't have it all.

9 inches - painful but manageable.

10 inches - Too much pressure on stomach.

This survey was actually a Customers
Feedback on different Sizes of Subway
sandwiches!!!! But I love the way you all
think! This is why I worry about you all.
Dirty minds!

[YellowDog]

Hi Brian, This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Regards Richard P.S. Past my best to your lovely wife too.

Brian , feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Brian then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard:







SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Brian , Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Checker had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

[Piper]

Things you can say about your favourite pair of
shoes but not about your partner.

I don't like it when I'm
inside of you and you
squeak.

They used to fit tighter.

Hah the tongue keeps
getting in the way.


Things a dentist says that you can't
say to your partner...

Wow, I'm not going
in there.

And rinse and spit.

Ah, It's going to take more
than me to fill that cavity.

You're just going to feel
a little prick.

[Bikkie]

Jesus fuking krist.

Jokes are supposed to be funny.

You have like the world's record of un-funny text posted.

I mean really?

Try a bit harder or flag it.

Don't read them then!!

[Piper]

I asked a woman today
what her favorite type
of man was. She said
Doctors, Dentists and
Coal Men.
How does that work I asked.
Well the Doctor asks me to take
my clothes off, the Dentist asks
me to open my mouth and the
Coal Man asks me if I want it in
the front or the back...

[Bikkie]

Puns

1. The fattest knight at
king Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference.He
ate too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye
doctor on an Alaskan
island,but it was an
optical Aleution.

3. She was only a whiskey
maker,but he loved her
still.

4. A rubber band pistol
was confiscated from
algebra class as a weapon
of maths distruption.

5. No mattter how much
you push the enelope,it
remains stationery.

6. A dog gave birth in the
park and was cited for
littering.

7. A grenade thrown
into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a
race.They ended up in a
tie.

9. A hole was found in
a nudist camp wall.The
police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an
arrow.Fruit flies like a
banana.

11. Athesim is a non-prophet
organization.

12. Two hats were
hanging on a hat rack.One
said,"You stay here I'll go
on a head."

13. I wondered why the
cricket ball kept getting
bigger.Then it hit me.

14. Lawn sign at a drugs
rehab center.Keep off
The Grass.

15. The midget fortune-teller
who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.

16. A soldier who survived
mustard gas and pepper
spray is a seasoned
veteran.

17. A backward poet
writes inverse.

18. In a democracy,it's
your vote that counts.In
Feudalism,it's your count
that votes.

19' When cannibals eat
a missionary,they get a
taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off a
bridge in paris,you'd be in
Seine.

21. A vulture boards an
airplane carrying two
dead raccoons.The flight
attendant says,"I'm sorry,
sir,only one carrion is
allowed per passenger."

22. Two fish swim into a
concrete wall.One says,
"Dam."

23. Infidelity is a sin.You
can't have your Kate and
Edith too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms
meet.One says,"I've lost
my electron." The other
says,"Are you sure?" The
first replies,"Yes I'm
postitive."

25. Buddhists who refuse
painkiller during a root
canal seek to transcend
dental medication.