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[Spicer]

The creation of a pussy.
Seven wise men,with knowledge so fine,created a pussy to their design,First was a butcher,smart with wit,using a knife he gave it a slit,second was a carpenter,strong and bold,with a hammer and chisel,he gave it a hole,Third was a taylor,tall and thin,using red velvet,he lined it within,Fourth was a hunter short and stout,with fur from a fox,he lined it without,Fifth was a fisherman,nasty as hell,threw in a fish and gave it a smell,Sixth was a preacher,whose name was mcgee,touched it and blessed it and said it could pee,Last was a sailor,a dirty little runt,sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt,Then god came along,dumb as a barge,stuffed it completely,put a woman in charge!

Paddy goes to America for the first time,walking up 5th Avenue he sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows.He shouts up,I'm Paddy ONeill,Irish rugby player,jump i'll catch you.A girl jumps out and paddy catches her,a guy jumps and paddy gets hin to.Then a black guy jumps and paddy lets him hit the ground,then shouts up,come on folks,dont fuck about there's no point sending the burnt ones out...

[Spicer]

A pretty primary school teacher is concerned about one of her pupil's,so she take's him aside after class and says "Jack,I'm concerned about your work,you seem distracted." Blushing,jack says "I'm in love Miss" Smiling,the teacher says "Who with?" Jack says,"You,Miss.The teacher says "But jack,don't you see how silly this is? I't's true,i want a husband one day but i don't want a child." Jack says "Don't worry Miss,i'll pull out and cum on your tits!


And God promised man that good and obedient women would be found in all corners of the world.Then he made the world round.And he laughed and laughed and laughed.

Question:Are there too many immigrants in a America. 17% said yes,11% said no,72% said.I am not understanding the question.


I don't understand women.Last night my missus had me sucking her toes,tonguing her arse,and then practically begged me to lick her fanny....then this morning i take a swig of milk from the carton and get bollocked....because apparently THAT'S disgusting!


I thought my new girlfriend might be,"the one"....but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit,a french maids unlform and a police woman's uniform i've dumped her,she obviously can't hold down a job.


He was in ecstasy,with a smile on his face,As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards.....forwards then backwards.....back and forth..back and forth..In and out..in and out..Her heart was pounding faster,her face was getting flushed and she started to grunt and groan.Then she let out one almighty scream!!!! "I can't park this fuckin car! You do it!"


I was suddenly awoken with a blow job this morning.Tell you what,that's the last time i'll fall asleep on the bus with my mouth open.


At school my favourite lesson was P.E.Due to the fact i had the biggest cock.I used to love strolling around the changing room naked,flicking the weaker kids with the tip of my towel whilst pointing and laughing at their little knobs...................looking back i think that's why i was sacked.


Billy,age 6,was watching tv.He comes downstairs and asks,'Dad what's love juice?" His father looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex and why a woman's vagina gets wet.Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.Da asks,"So what were you watching?" Billy replies,"Wimbledon!"


Everyday a man walks up very close to a lady co-worker standing at the coffee machine,inhales a big breath of air and tells her "Your hair smells nice." After a week of this she went to see personnel and put a sexual harassment complaint in against him.The personnel manager said "What's wrong with him saying your hair smells nice?" She said "Its Keith the fucking dwarf!"


Paddy and Mick are in the pub talking about their sex lives.Paddy boasts,"The wife and me fuck like rabbits every night," "You lucky bastard" replies Mick,"I only get it once a month and i call it The Bruce Lee Night." "Why the fuck do you call it that?" asks Paddy.Mick replies "Because it's the night i enter the Fuckin Dragon."


A guy asks his new girlfriend for a hand job."I've never done that," she says,"What go i do?" "Well remember when you were a kid and you shake a coke bottle and sprayed your sister with it,that's what you do." She nods,so he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.A minute later he has tears running down his face,snot flowning from his nose and wax flying from his ears.She says,"Whats wrong?" He cries,"TAKE YA FUCKIN THUMB OFF THE END!"


SICKEST JOKE EVER? A man gets home from working a nightshift and decides to wake his wife by giving her oral sex.He climbs under the bottom of the duvet,gently spreads her legs and licks her pussy till she quivers and cums all over his face.He goes to the bathroom to clean up and finds his wife in there shaving her legs! "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE" he yells..."Sshhh!" she says "You'll wake your mother!


Two old age pensioners are having a 69er.After 5 minutes he says,"Sorry,love,the smell's too bad down there-i can't carry on." "That'll be my arthritis,"she says."What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before." "No," she says."It's in my arms and hands...I can't wipe my arse."


I've just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman,its very rewarding but quite challenging.it took me fuckin ages to get her husbands voice right...

I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my misses walking down the aisle towards me.My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbelievable.It seemed to take ages,but evenually there she was standing beside me.I gave her a cheeky wink and said."Get the trolley love.They're doing 3 cartons of TUI FOR THE PRICE OF 2.


Tom and Jeff,2 gays,spent all weekend in bed having sex.On Sunday Tom says,"I'm going to the shop,don't you be wanking while i'm away." When he came back,there was cum all over the walls and ceiling.Tom says,"I told you not to wank while i was away." Jeff said "I didn't i farted!"

I've just been shopping at Countdown with the wife,and out of the Blue she says...."You're one lazy useleess bastard" Well i nearly fell out of the trolley!!!

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking,drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven...The man says he'll try..God visits the man a week later to see how he's getting on.."Not bad" says the man,"I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite and i caught sight of her long slender legs,I pulled her skirt up,pulled her knickers to one side and fucked her hard and fast from behind." "They dont like that in heaven replies God.The man says,'They're not too fuckin happy about it in Harvey Normans either."

[MSTRS:Me]

I treated the wife to one of those fish pedicures the other day. I must say I'm very pleased with the results. Those piranhas don't mess about eh!!

[Spicer]

My wife told me that she has quit smoking.
To see if she's telling the truth,I've gone to work and left the gas on.


Whats the world coming to? I saw a 14 year old maori girl in the pub drinking.
I had to ask myself,who is looking after her kids?

[FLUB]

Got thrown out of the chemists today. I only asked the woman behind the counter "do you take it up the arse, love, or do you swallow it?" She went fucking mental! Fuck knows what I'm supposed to do with these tablets now.

[FLUB]

The girlfriend swallowed after after a blow job for the first time in five years last night....... wonder if it's a sign that she's coming out of the coma?

[Spicer]

An old man and his grandson went into a T.A.B.
The boy asks his grandpa if he could put a bet on.'If you can touch your arse hole with your dick,you can have a bet',says grandpa. '"I cant't" says the boy. "Well,your not old enough then." So the boy goes nevt door,buys a scratch card and wins 50 Grand! His grandpa suggested they split the winnings 50-50."Can you touch your arse with your dick?" asks the boy. 'Yes! shouts grandpa. "Well,go fuck yourself then."


Man picks up chinese girl at a party and takes her home.She says,"Me so horny,me do anything for you." He says,"How about a 69? She says,"You fuck off,me not cooking crispy duck in black bean sauce at this time of night."

When you smile the world smiles with you.
When you are down people will rally behind you.
But when you fart you are alone because people will never stand by you!

[Smifffy]

Ive just been diagnosed with colour blindness. It really surprised me, it just came straight out of the green.

[Smifffy]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A Maori cat..
Who??
It's me ow

[Spicer]

Not every flower can say love,but a rose can.
Not every plant survives thirst,but a cactus can.
Not every retard can read,but look at you having a go!!!!!! Today is International Nutters Day.
Please send an encouraging message to fucked uped friends, just as I have done.I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals or shit yourself.
You hang in there cup cake, you're fucking special, you're my mate!!!! Look at you smiling at your phone!!!!!!

A greek lady tells her mum-"Im divorcing Goeorge, All he wants is anal sex and my arsehole is now the size of a 50c piece, when it used to be a 5c pice." Mum replies-"Dear, you are married to a multi millionare businesman, you live in an 8-bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $5000 a week allowance and you take 6 European holidays a year--you want to throw all that away for 45c.?"


2 couples go away on holiday and the 2 husbands Ben and Carl decide to try and get their wives to wife swap one night..amazingly they agree! Ben knows full well his missus is on the rag, so he thinks he has got one up on Carl. They agree that at breakfast they will tap their spoon on the table for however many times they have shagged the other one's missus..next morning Ben grins and taps the table twice..Carl laughs then taps his spoon once on the jam and 6 times on the nuttella

[nathanwhite]

I received a chain mail letter this morning stating that if I did not forward it to at least 10 other people, a dead women would appear in my wardrobe.

Guess who's getting laid tonight!

[Spicer]

Dashing through the snow,in a v8 wonder sled,crashing into trees,because im off my fuckin head.Been smokin billys too,a dozen beers or more,im headin for the red light zone to get myself a whore! Oh jingle bells,jingle bells,Santas smokin weed,Mrs Clause is on the floor,she's overdosed on speed,Blitzens fucked,the elves are too,they're peakin off their heads,and if Rudolph snorts another line,the prick will end up dead!!! MERRY XMAS


Peter Jackson's new flim "Jet Black Maoris", the non racist version of "Snow White" has been put on hold.All 7 dwarfs: Stinky,Mugger,Car Jacker,Drive By,Pusher,Lazy and Wog,have refused to sing "Hi Ho" as they say they have no fucking intentions of "going off to work."

Viagra have just released a new pill called 007. It doesn't make you James Bond but it does make you Roger Moore.

[Spicer]

NEW DRINKING WARNING JUST RELEASED:

Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys.
Rum and ice wil ruin your liver.
Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart.
Gin and ice will ruin your brain.
Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth...There you have it!!!
ICE is fuckin lethal.Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice,just drink it straight!!!
Forward this immediately.You could save a life!!!
And don't forget what it did to the fuckin Titanic!!!

I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife.She was delighted.I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her.She was ecstatic.I spent $30 on a blow job for myself and she goes fuckin mental.
Women?

3 men die on xmas eve,to get into heaven St Peter says "You must have something on you that represents Xmas" the Englishman flicks on his lighter and says "It's a candle," St Peter lets him pass,the Welshman jingles his keys and says,"They're sleigh bells," St Peter lets him pass,the Irishman pulls out a G-String and a bra,St Peter says,"How the fuck do they represent Xmas?"...Paddy says,'They're Carols."

A woman was in hospital,"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor..."Something is terribly wrong..I keep finding post stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!"The doctor has a look,"They aint postal stamps they are banana stickers."

A truck driver goes on a date with a girl,afterwards they go back to her parents place,they were having sex on the couch when he felt the barrell of a gun on his neck.When he turned around her father said "If your a real truck driver you'll back outta there with a full load."

ADULT SCRABBLE.............Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more important when erect.

PNESI

People who wrote spine became doctors....
The rest are sadly the sort of people that make up my friends.

They say penis size is related to shoe size.That makes being raped by a clown that much scarier.

[Spicer]

It was christmas eve a couple were doing last minute shopping when the husband disappeared.She phoned him on his mobile,"Where are you?" She asks in a calm voice. "Darling remember the jewellery shop we went in 5 years ago,and you fell in love with that diamond necklace,that we could not afford,and i said one day i would get it for you?" Her eyes filled with tears,"Yes i remember it darling!" "Well i'm in the pub next door to that...!


He laid her on the table,so white and clean and bare.His forehead wet with beads of sweat,he rubbed her here and there.He touched her neck and felt her breast,then drooling felt her thigh.The slit was wet and all was set,he gave a joyous cry.The hole was wide...He looked inside,all was dark and murky.He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...Then STUFFED the xmas TURKEY!..May i be the first to wish you and your dirty little mind a very Merry xmas


Does Santa really live in the North Pole? Lets have a look at the evidence.
1: He's fat.
2: Good at breaking into houses.
3: Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace.
4: Drives an unlicensed vehicle.
5: Only works one day a year He's a fucking Maori.


My german girlfriend gives me marks out of 10 when we have sex,Tonight for example,I shoved it right up her arse,and she yelled "NINE NINE"...best score yet!!

[YellowDog]

With so many beautiful friends to wish a Happy New Year to and with so little time to do it, I just thought I'd get the really ugly ones out of the way first.

H A P P Y - N E W - Y E A R