Share your txt jokes

**MIXONE** · 20th April 2010, 20:21

I gave my wife an orgasm last night,
Fucking ungrateful bitch spat it out!

**crazyhorse** · 20th April 2010, 20:33

After a few years of marriage, sex is down to a couple of times a month!

But truth be told, if she didn't sleep with her mouth open, I wouldn't be getting any!!

**crazyhorse** · 21st April 2010, 19:01

Wife sent me shopping to day. Told me to buy her something for mothers day that made her look sexy...... I came back with 2 litres of Jim Beam adn a box of Tui

Spicer · 21st April 2010, 20:02

Handy tip if campin,if a lady in next tent sez shes so hot.she will be sleepin with her flaps open,it isnt an invitation 4 sex. I appear in court next monday.

Spicer · 21st April 2010, 20:21

Started a new job in a music shop 2day.A maori came in and asked "do u have anything by The Doors" I said "yes an alarm and 2 security guards so fuck off!:

**Skinon** · 22nd April 2010, 23:46

Whats the difference between a dead dog on the road, and a dead *insert racial connotation* on the road?

There's skidmarks infront of the dog.

**crazyhorse** · 23rd April 2010, 07:11

I was out drinking in town the other night. I took a bus home.......................so what?

Well, it was the first time I have ever driven a bus!

Spicer · 24th April 2010, 11:52

Be careful
..Driving conditions are awful 2day ive
just come off the road and hit a Maori!
It took me 10mins, 2fields & a golf course, but i got the fucker!

The 10th annual blow job contest is tomorrow.
We ask that you stay home, so a girl can win this time.
Thanks champ.

Hey sorry if my phone keeps txting u...Dam idiots on
road can't drive.
My phone is voice activated and everytime i yell
"fuckin retard" it dials ure number.

Old man asks 4 quarter a tab of viagra.'That wont
give u an erection"chemist says.I dont want an erection, i just want
2 stick out enuf so i dont piss on my sac.

Just got a maori tattoo on my arm-now my arm wont fuckin work!!!

**<G>** · 24th April 2010, 23:13

New Company Word of the day:

FOCUS

When you are annoyed with someone tell them to FOCUS

F#*K Off Cause U're Stupid!

Spicer · 25th April 2010, 19:51

What are the 2 most inportant holes in a woman's body?
No not them u dirty bastard-
Her nostrilis...They allow her to breathe while she is sucking your cock.

Saw an ad in the paper for: 'bored housewife 32,lookin for some action'.
I sent her my ironing.That'll keep the bitch busy...

I got a new stick deodorant 2day.The instructions said; Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk,but whenever i fart the room smells lovely.

A sexy woman in a bar walks up 2 the bartender & puts her fingers in his mouth.
After he licks & Sucks her fingers she says 2 him "Tell ure manager there's no tiolet paper"

Did u know the prices of texts are changing depending on how good looking u are?
mine's now free,Don't bother texting back it'll cost u a fucking fortune.

Why do they put a cock on top of a weather vein?
Because if they puy a cunt up there the wind would blow right throught it.

A man comes home with a bunch of flowers and hands them to his wife,she sez:
"I supose you want me to open my legs for those"? He sez "Why haven't you a vase big enough"?

**nothingflash** · 25th April 2010, 20:08

How can you tell if you've been rooting your missus a bit too much?

Put your thumb up her ass and your middle finger in her puss. if you can click your fingers you should ease up a bit.

**crazyhorse** · 26th April 2010, 17:39

Whats big, long and hard when erect and makes a woman moan like fuck?

An ironing board!

**crazyhorse** · 27th April 2010, 07:55

Plane is losing height, pilot said "throw out passengers alphabetically: africans, blacks and coons"

Little black boy said "thats us dad"

Dad says "No son. Today we is niggers"