Share your txt jokes

[Stirts]

"Battery low, switch to outlet power immediately to keep from losing your work" Windows spelt wank wrong

[Stirts]

My girlfriend takes sex far too seriously.
I was shagging her from behind the other night and started slapping her on the arse screaming:

"Who's your daddy, who's your daddy!"

"Fuck off", she snapped, "You know who our daddy is".



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How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.

[Hinny]

Marriage guidance counselor asks husband if there is anything he and his wife have in common. After a long silence he replies, "Well neither of us suck cock".

[Hinny]

A useful insult.
"You are as much use as a cock flavoured lollipop".

[burden2]

My mate caught me sniffing his sisters knickers while I was having a wank. Lets just say it made the rest of her funeral very awkward.

[Spicer]

15 blokes chase a maori thru McDonalds & beat the shit out of him.A witness was asked why he didn"t help.He said,to be honest i thought 15 was enuff!

Maori-English translations: The dole=payday,Bum=Dad,School=nap time,Foreshore=for sure,Treaty=free shit,Bro=him/her,Pedofile=uncle.Jail=retirement plan

Mesage from WWW.Adult Dating.Com...Your dating ad has been on our website for 19 years now without any reply! Do you want us to try 1 week without a pcture?

[scroter]

women eh! boob jobs, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini lines and legs waxed... And they wont take it up the arse cause it HURTS

woman in labour screams at her husband "you did this to me" husband replies "well I recall asking to stick it up your arse but you said it might hurt to much"

[crazyhorse]

I said to wife, right you sexy thing, upstairs now. She looked at me n said "ooh, you kinky bastard" I said 'no, seriously, the rugbys starting, now fuck off'

[one fast tl1ooo]

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.'

She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you?'

'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heater off while I'm out.'

[crazyhorse]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.....



The next year, I didn't buy her a gift..



When she asked me why, I replied,



"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"



And that's how the fight started.....

[Hinny]

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

[crazyhorse]

I asked my wife,



'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'



It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.



'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!'



she said.



So I suggested,



'How about the kitchen?'



And that's when the fight started...

[marie_speeds]

Lady goes to GP complaining of discharge. Doctor says " Take off your undies and hop up on the table" He feels around for awhile then asks "How does that feel?" She replies" Farken Lovely but the discharge is from my ear"

[crazyhorse]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.


She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds...'

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.


And then the fight started...

[one fast tl1ooo]

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"