Share your txt jokes

[Goblin]

Ever noticed how a woman drives her car every day and never washes it, yet she washes her vagina every day but never uses it?

[MSTRS:Me]

If I take the car keys away, will she start washing the car?

[Goblin]

Nah, that's your job.

[crazyhorse]

Felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised 7 guys then dropped the microphone on his foot and said "fuck me!"

What happened next will haunt me forever!

[Spicer]

A boy writes a letter to santa asking for a brother, he gets a reply back 'send me your mother'

You know that every woman has a little maori in her in her pants, curly hair. fat lips, goes on strike once a month and only works when it wants to.

[crazyhorse]

So, there was Paddy lying back on the sofa having a lovely wank.

And those stuck-up pricks from Harvy Norman called the cops...............

[Smifffy]

We got out our xmas stuff last night and found a parcel from last year. U Shouldv'e seen the kids faces when they opened it!! poor kitten!!!!

[Spicer]

I went to the doctors today and he told me i'm a paranoid racist-well he didn't actually say that,but i knew what the black cunt was thinking!

My wife kicked me out because she caught me measuring my cock.It just reaches the back of her sisters throat

Last christmas my girlfriend bought me a penis extension.It was then that i knew that how shallow she really was.

[crazyhorse]

With hindsight I should have posted my facebook status as: "I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford" rather than "I've just fucked my 13 year old Escort"

[MSTRS:Me]

I woke up this morning at 8 and just knew something was wrong. Got downstairs and the wife was face down on the kitchen floor not breathing. I panicked, didn't know what to do...then I remembered McDonalds serve breakfast until 10:30


Was asked to go and see my ex-girlfriend today. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Police weren't too pleased. I was only meant to be identifying the body.


I must have really pissed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation on her when we were having sex. She's been lying there for five days now giving me the silent treatment.

[Spicer]

S-L-A-P! ure now my bitch.The national pimp off has begun! Pimp others before they pimp you! You can pimp anyone except ure pimp. Ure mine so start pimping.

Man joins the Navy.After a while he asks shipmates 'wot do u do 4 sex around here?' He's shown a wooden barrel with a hole in.Not impressed he tries it anyway and loves it.so tries again the next day and the next. "Can i do this everyday?" ":Not wednesdays" "Why?" "Wednesday is your day in the barrel!

In 1872 the Aussies invented the condom using a sheeps bladder.However in 1873 the kiwis somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.

Similarities of BRA and BAR both have same letters both are drinking zones both have restricted time of opening and closing and when both are open men go crazy

[Genie]

TAMPAX have announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel..this is for the christmas period only!!

[crazyhorse]

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you don't slow down and pay attention, you could slide into the asshole in front of you!

BE CAREFUL THIS XMAS!!

[Spicer]

CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED! APPARENTLY U TOLD SANTA U WERE GOOD IN BED AND HE DIED LAUGHING.THANKS ALOT ARSEHOLE!

This xmas,lets put mistletoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our fuckin arse.

The mating call of a kea? keeaa! keeaa! The mating call of an owl? hooo! hooo!! The mating call of a blackbird? 'Go on Rangi give it to me up the arse'

[crazyhorse]

Nothin worse than after having sex, looking down and seeing that soggy used condom hanging from your cock.......particularly if you weren't wearing one when you started!