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[Spicer]

Why do peoplle say grow some balls when they are soft and sensitive.
How about grow a pussy those things can take a pounding.


My wife just caught me blow drying my cock and asked me what i was doing....apparently
HEATING YOUR DINNER was not the right answer!"

[GSW]

I went up to a girl in the night club last night "Excuse me love, are you a brick layer?" I asked with a cheeky grin. "Why are you hoping to get laid?" she winked back. "No, it's just with that much make up on, you must be experienced with a trowel".

[GSW]

-Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
-Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.
- Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
-Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
-If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
-Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
-Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
-My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
-Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
-It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
-For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
-If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
-Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
-A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
-No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
-A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
-Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
-Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
-Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
-There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
-Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
-Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
-Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
-When you eat a candy bar or have a wonderful dessert, have a diet drink. The calories are cancelled out by the diet drink.
-I love deadlines...especially the 'whooshing' sound they make as they fly by.
-When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
-What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
-A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
-The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
-How can there be self-help 'groups'?
-Is there another word for 'synonym'?
-The speed of time is one-second per second.
-Is it possible to be totally partial?
-What is another word for 'thesaurus'?
-If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
-It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
-Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
-Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
-Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
-Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
-Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
-Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.
-Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
-Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
-If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.
-If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
-If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
-If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
-If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
-If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
-It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-Never buy a car you can't push.
-Never pet a burning dog.
-Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
-Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
-Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
-The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
-There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
-There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die'.
-When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
-If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

[munster]

Just found my wife's G-Spot.

Who knew her sister had it all along?

[crazyhorse]

Husband finishes reading the book "Be the man of your house', and says to the wife:

'From now on, my word is Law. YOU will prepare me a gourmet meal 2nite with a sumptuos dessert.
Afterwards we will have the kind of sex that I want. YOU will bathe me as I relax, towel me dry
then massage my feet and back. Then tomorrow, guess who will dress me and comb my hair?'

Wife says "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess!"

[Spicer]

My wife called me upstairs to the bedroom earlier,"Look what i've found in the cupboard,crotchless panties," she said as she seductively modelled them.
I didn't have the heart to tell the fat cunt it was one of my singlets.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore...a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!

[crazyhorse]

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Twink. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

[crazyhorse]

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......

[MSTRS:Me]

A recent survey has shown that 97.3% of men have no idea of how to turn the dishwasher on. I find that licking her nipples and a light fingering usually works a treat.

[The Singing Chef]

-Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle...

...-If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I doubt somebody texted that to you? I like it nevertheless.

[crazyhorse]

Mick walks into paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and wanking in front of a tractor. Mick says 'fucking hell Paddy, what ya doing'

Paddy says, well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attractor

[JakeTehMuss]

I was trying to remember who Rihanna's ex was, then it hit me.

[crazyhorse]

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

[Spicer]

A zookeeper gets raped by an elephant, and gets rushed to hospital for treatment. The doctor examines him and asks why his arse has been stretched out 11 inches,when an elephant's penis is only 5 inches wide...Weeping.the man repiles "Because the filthy bastard fingered me first!"

I was walking in London when it suddenly started raining,so i took shelter in a peekaboo sex shop.
I paid 50p and was confronted by 3 doors,reading;Blonde,Brunette or Black.I chose Blonde,only to be confronted by more doors,reading;Small Tits,Medium Tits,or Big Tits.I chose Big Tits,only to be cofronted by yet more doors! They read;Small Cunt,Large Cunt,or Wet Cunt.I chose Wet Cunt......And found myself back outside in the fucking rain!

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers trying to spice up her dead sex life.She puts them on with a short skirt and sits on the couch across from her hubby,At a strategic moment she crosses her legs.He asks "are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
"Yes" she says seductively. "thank fuck for that " he says "i thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

My next door neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line.
I nearly shit her pants!

I was in a pub last night and saw two large girls by the bar.They both had strange accents so i said "Hello Are you two girls from Scotland?"
One of them screamed "Its WALES you fucking idiot!"
So i immediately apologised and said "Sorry are you two whales from Scotland?"

[MSTRS:Me]

I don't see why black parents always name their children after such positive adjectives for them to live up to such as Destiny and Precious... surely names such as Nick and Rob are a bit more fitting.