Share your txt jokes

[Bikkie]

Just had a good night out down the pub so I jumped in a taxi and said,"Take me to where I can get my cock sucked for a tenner mate."
But gutted when he took me to our house.

I was browsing pornhub and saw an ad that read:"BBC fucks Asian in the arse" I thought to myself,"That's a little harsh for not paying your TV licence.

Fun Fact: Shaquille ONeal,Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods shared the same nickname in high school....Nigger

You know you're getting old when:Watching Babestation.A gorgeous girl in a skimmy little French maid's outfit pushing a Hoover around bending over provocatively.
And all you think is,"We used to have a Hoover like that one."

I was angry when I stumbled across an online dating profile my wife had put up.
The lying bitch is not fun to be around.

[Bikkie]

I asked a chinese girl for her number.She said,"sex! sex! sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said,"Wow!" Then her friend said,"She means 666-3629"

For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen,remember that's where the knives are kept.

[Bikkie]

The Beach Boys walk into a bar
'Round?" "Round?"
"Get a round?" "I get a around?"
"Get a round...."

Paddy and Murphy,come across a girl who's bike has a flat tyre.
Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.
A few minutes later Paddy passes Murphy on the girls bike.
"What the fuck happened?" asked Murphy.
"Well I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off lies on the ground and says,take what you want big boy!
"So I took the bike."
"Good on ye" says Murphy.
"I'm sure the knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway."

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
The presenter said,"This is a very rare set,produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists
who operated in London at the turn of the last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks!" Paddy replied.

[Bikkie]

What's the difference between weed and pussy?
If you can smell weed from across the room,you know it's Good.

[Bikkie]

I started a boat business in the attic.
The sails are going through the roof.

I just kicked off down the local doctors because I didn't want a gay doctor examining my prostate.
I said I'm sorry but it's my arse on the line and I don't want a cock up.

I find this offensive.There's a black man in my family tree.
He's been dangling off it for some time now.

My wife said that next time we have sex,she wants me to fill her hole with ectasy.
I told her she'd have to wait for a month.
Give the dealer time to import that much.

[Bikkie]

How do you milk sheep?
Release another iphone.

Just found out that i'n allergic to condoms.
Guess that explains my itchy bum hole then.

Why do pantyliners have wings?
Because they couldn't call them flaps.

[Bikkie]

My new girlfriend asked me if I'd had sex before....Apparently
"not with people" was the wrong answer.

This time last year my wife ran away with my best friend.
Fuck I miss him.

Two old woman meet up in a cafe one morning.
Margaret says to Ethel,"Did you come on the bus?"
Ethel replies,"Yeah,but I made it look like an asthma attack."

My girlfriend wanted something long and flowing for our wedding so I pushed her in the River Thames.

Why is it that when someone working behind a bar thinks I've had too much to drink,they won't serve me anymore?
Yet........Macdonalds would never stop serving fat cunts........

[Bikkie]

Oral B. The slutter,lesser known member of the Spice Girls.

A Catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest,"I'm pregnant"
He asks,"How did this happen my child?"
She says,"I think it must be the second coming!"
The priest shocked by this reply asks,"What makes you think it is the second coming?"
She replies,"Because I swallowed the first!"

I caught my neighbours dog having a shit on my front lawn this morning so I put it in his letterbox.
Well,not all of it.
Just the legs and tail.

We were driving through the welsh countryside when my little girl said,"Look at that strange animal daddy,man at the back sheep in the front,"

[Bikkie]

A sign above the door where I work says,"Once you go black you never come back."
You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium.

[Bikkie]

Now with a woman as the new Doctor Who,the crew will have nicely ironed clothes.

The BBC have announced that Doctor Who will be replacing the sonic screwdriver with the sonic Dildo.

So the new Doctor Who is a woman.
Bet she'll keep bringing up the past

[Bikkie]

I'm a big fan of the art of mime.
Whenever I see a mime artist performing in the town square,
I always make sure I put my hand in my pocket and throw in some invisible money.

I bought R.kellys new album yesterday.
There was a warning sticker on the cellophane.
It read: "Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children."

A man goes to his doctor complaining of a golf ball in his anus,the doctor said,"It's in a fairway!"

Paddy's wife came home after a long day at work and said,"I'm fucking sleepy."
"How could you? he demanded.Cheating on me with a dwarf."

[Bikkie]

Went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week.
The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics.
So I stopped going.

[Bikkie]

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer that was near by,"What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said,"I think you should try the ATM in the lobby."

[Bikkie]

The singer Cliff Richard has been suffering from much online abuse.
He's got himself some spying,talking,tweeting,stalking,living trolls.

My boss came up behind me today just as I was watching an online video of a bloke getting sucked off by a blonde.
He snapped,"Do you think I pay people to do that?" I answered,"You're not the best looking guy so probably."

Here's my best chat up line,try it yourself when you next get the chance,go up to her and say:
"Hi,my name is Gerald,but everyone calls me Dick"
She will say,"How do you get Dick from Gerald?"
I reply "Just ask nicely."

I like my women like I like my computer.
Turned on,on my lap and virus free.

BMW has announced that the new 9 series will have a 'self park' option.
How about self not indicating self pulling out into traffic when there is no gap self tailgating and flashing headlights.
This would then allow the BMW driver to use their iphone almost uninterrupted more time to pose like the cunts they are.

[Bikkie]

I went to a mate's wedding and I whispered to a bloke next to me
"Isn't the bride a right ugly bastard."
"Do you mind? That's my daughter you're talking about."
"I'm really sorry,I didn't know you were her father"
"I'm not.I'm her mother you cheeky cunt!!!

My mates are really annoyed with me right now just because I lost the pub quiz.
Apparently the drone isn't the national bird of syria.

My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.
Despite begging and pleading with her,she's adamant she won't move out before then.