Share your txt jokes

[Bikkie]

What is the
difference between a
limp dick and a
refugee? One iS hard
to get in,the other
one hard to get out.

[Bikkie]

I just walked into
a local liberal
ran bookstore
and asked for
Trump's new
immigration
book.
The owner said
"Get the fuck
out."
I said,"Yes
that's the one."

Patient:"Hey doc,I would
like to get rid of my love handles"
Doctor:"You sure would
look funny without
your ears."

[Bikkie]

The Mafia have decided to get into
online crime to keep up to date.
They have a new app called
Pay-up-pal.

What's the difference
between a dog and a fox?
About six beers.

[Bikkie]

What's the most
intelligent thing to
come out of a woman's
mouth?
Einsten's cock....

New sexual practice.
'The Mini Van: Two in
the front and as many
as you can fit in the
back.

[Bikkie]

1 caught mt 14 year old
son having a wank.I
told him "If you do that,
you'll go blind." He
replied "Can I do it untill
I need glasses?"

( saw this on the back of a females car )

If you are going to ride
my arse at least pull
my hair.

[Michaelpum]

One "yank" that thanks you for the explanation.

Sounds like something similar to our Starbucks?

[Bikkie]

Women's Quote Of The Day:

"Men are like a
fine wine.They all
start out like grapes,
and it's our job to
stomp on them and
keep them in the dark
until they mature into
something with which
you'd like to have
dinner with."

Man's Counter-Quote Of The Day:

"Women are like
a fine wine.They all
start out fresh,fruity
and intoxicating to the
mind and then turn
full-bodied with age
until they go all sour
and vinegary and give
you a fucking
headache!!"

New relationships are
like joining a gym.In
the beginning there's
so much hope.

[Bikkie]

A word to the wise
chaps.If you borrow
your wifes car to go
dogging in and don't
want her to find out,
for fucks sake
remember to unplug
the dashcam.

Is marriage a lottery?
No-in the lottery,
the odds of being
made happy are only
1 in 45 million.

My wife is a sex
object.......eveytime
I ask for sex she
fucking objects!

[Bikkie]

"So Paddy," said Mick. "Did you
remember to put your clock
forward like I said?" "I did that."
replied Paddy."But I won't be
doing it again." "Why not,Paddy?"
"It tipped off the mantlepiece and
smashed tp pieces."

[Bikkie]

Had to go visit the
sperm bank a few
days ago....The
woman behind the
desk asked me if I
"could you please
masturbate in the
cup" I replied "Well I
am pretty good but
I'm not ready to
enter any
tournaments yet."

[Bikkie]

Mama said,"Life is like
a box of chocolates...
you never know what
you're gonna get."
Well every box of
chocolates is required
to list each one on the
back or on that little
tag attached to it both
for people with nut
allergies and also to
entice customers with
their unique
selections.So do one
Forrest.

What takes up 18
parking spaces?
9 woman drivers.

The police claim I
didn't pass my
Breathalyzer.I know
for a fact I did.It was
in their car when I
overtook it doing
130 mph.

New Divorced Barbie
comes with all of
Ken's accessories.

A prostitute new to
the game was told by
her pimp,"No sex for
the first 7 days just
wanks!" She asked...
"Why only
wanks?"...Her pimp
said..."Union
rules!...you gotta
work a week in
hand!"

Social Housing,
where anti-social
people live.

YGOLOHCYSP:
Reverse psychology

My gay neighbour
empathetically only
gives loans to those
suffering from issues
of sexuality.He's a
tender bender
gender lender.

Faceboook are
launching a dating
app that's going to let
users choose between
five genders.Well,
I'm all for equality
and think it's about
time they included
the other three
genders-Attention
seeker,Mentally ill
and In denial.

I went to the chemist
to get some lube.
"We don't have any,
Have you tried
Boots?" I said,
"I want to
glide in,not fucking march in!"

I answered an advert,
"Wanted,someone to
stroke my long
golden hair and to
enjoy long walks on
the beaches or
through the woods.I
want to have dinners
with you and spend
all night cuddled up
to you.I want to gaze
at you as you sleep,I
will be there for you,
to help guide you
through your life."
Anyway,I'm picking
up my golden
retriever puppy next
week.

That moment
when you slide the
condom on and
look at yourself in
the mirror with a
massive hard on.
Then you tell the
chemist,"I'll take
it."

[Bikkie]

Just saved a
fucking fortune on
Christmas shit.
Bought an old
stags head and
stuck in on the
front room wall.
Told my kids the
reindeer are dead
and Santa can't
get round,but I'll
make sure they
get some nice veal
steaks for
Christmas day.

Theresa May
might as well
become a
Jehovahs
Witness.They
don't have a party
at Christmas
either.

It was the night of
Christmas Eve and
the missus who
had plumped up
over recent years
was feeling horny.
She whispered in
my ear,"Fist fuck
me on the dinning
table in the
kitchen,I want it
so bad." So we
went downstairs
and she laid back
first on the
table,feet flat and
legs at 10 past 2.
After kifting her
gut away I was
anle to see her
dripping gash.It
was so wet that
my fist slid in with
ease but as I
popped it in I
noticed my 5 year
old son in the
door way.He
looked at me with
my fist buried
elbow deep in this
soggy crevice,
then went to the
fridge and got out
a bowl of pork
mince.He popped
it into my other
hand and said
"Mum uses this
when she's
stuffing the
turkey."

"Do you know
why we don't
celebrate
Christmas?" this
Jewish father
asked his little Yid.
"Is it because we
are the meanest
cunts on the
planet and make
the scottish look
like spendthrifts?"
he replied.

Stay politicallly correct this
Christmas by
buying your child
an action gender
fluid doll,
Complete with
machine gun,
rocket launcher,
penis,breasts,
make up and a flat
500 with
eyelashes.

Befor you laugh
at children who
believe in Father
Christmas,
remember,there
are adults who still
believe in Jose
Mourinho...

We used to have a
girl nicknamed
Rudolph at school
not because she
had a red nose
because she used
to go down in
history,

My lad has come
to me and asked
for transformers
for Christmas.Now
I don't mins the
expense.I mean I
can pick them up
at KmaRT FOR LIKE
$50.But what on
earth does a 5 year
old have that
needs to run on
110v.

[Bikkie]

With so many beauiful
friends to wish a Happy
New Year to I thought
I'd get the ugly ones
out of the way first.
Happy New Year to
you!

Wishing you and family
good health and good
fortune for 2019 take
care guys and girls.

2019 is at the door...
..Remember.Life is
short,break the rules,
forgive quickly,kiss
slowly,love truly,
laugh uncontrollably,
and never regret
anything that made you
smile,Send to all the
people you love and
don't want to lose in
2019 even me....if
you get 3 back your a
great friend.

Before the sun sets
on 2018 Before the
memories fade Before
the network gets jammed
and Before I get drunk
and lose my phone I'm
wishing you a very
Happy and prosperous 2019

[Bikkie]

I was going to
make some New
Years resolutions,
But that just
perpetuates the
idea that we
should try to
improve ourselves.

Simon Cowell
blames New Year's
Honours snub on
Panama Papers
leak.Queen says,
"Not true-it's
because you're a
cunt."

New Year
resolution for
2019 is to get
over my erectile
dysfuncyion.I
don't think it'll be
hard.

I took my wife's
Christmas present
back to the shop
today and got her
a bigger size,the
girls thought it was
funny as fuck.
They've never had
a scarf returned
before.

Wife: "I have
blisters on my
hands from the
broom."
Husband: "Well next tine
take the car stupid
cunt!"

Little known fact,
before the
invention of the
crowbar,crows
had to do their
drinking at home.

Mary had Dyslexia.
She also had a
stammer.So Mary
never had a Lamb.
She had L L
Llama

Jack and Jill went
up the hill to
smoke a little grass
He wanted a shag
She was on the rag
So jack fucked her
up the arse.

They say that
people can no
longer live without
facebook,twitter,
or other social
media,and get
genuine anxiety if
you take away
their mobiles or
laptops,even for
an hour.There's
even a term for it.
FOMO fear of
missing out.No
it's sadder than
that.Fatuous.
Obssesive.Morons
Online

I can't believe
June Whitfield is
dead.Her
Christmas Day
speech was only
days ago.

Dyslexics are
teople poo.

I'm going to go
rob a bank
tomorrow.I plan
on dressing up in a
clown wig and
make up and only
wearing a thong
and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat
and a can of
fluorescent paint
in one arm and,
while in the bank,
I'm going to fuck
the goat and
throw the paint
over the walls,all
the time ripping
up pages of a
phone book and
swearing my head
off.After getting
the money,I'll
take a shit on the
floor and piss
everywhere.I then
will escape in a
van shaped like a
giant pink cock.
Let's see
Police Ten 7 stage
a reconstruction of
that fucker.

[Bikkie]

Happy New Years!
Wishing you 12 months of success
52 weeks of laughter
365 days of fun
8760 hours of joy
525600 minutes of good luck
and 31536000 seconds
of happiness.