Share your txt jokes

[R650R]

Repost from FB

Really concerned my mother in law might get picked up in Ice raids.
She lives at 386 West street and Elm and goes to work at Walmart at 7am every morning

[Bikkie]

A farmer went to a
local bar and ordered a
glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next
to him said, "How about
that? I just ordered
champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence"
the farmer said. "This is
a special day for me. I
am celebrating."

"This is a special day for
me too, I am also
celebrating," said the
woman.

"What a coincidence!"
said the farmer. As
they clinked glasses he
added: "What are you
celebrating?"

"My husband and I have
been trying to have a
child and today my
gynecologist told me
that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence!"
said the man. I'm a
chicken farmer and all
last year my hens were
infertile, but today they
are all laying eggs
again."

"That's great!" said the
woman, "How did your
chickens become
fertile?"

"I used a different cock,"
he replied.

The woman smiled,
clinked his glass and
said, "What a
coincidence!"




Called my boss earlier
and said I won't be
returning to work
tomorrow because I
have vaginal issues. He
said, "For fuck's sake
you're a man." I replied
"Yes but you're a cunt."




There I was, sitting at
the bar, staring at my
drink when a large,
trouble making Biker
steps up next to me,
grabs my drink and gulps
it down in one swig
"Well whatcha gonna
do about it?" he says
menacingly-As I burst
into tears. "This is the
worst day of my life." I
say."I'm a complete
failure.I was late to a
meeting and my boss
fired me.When I went
to the parking lot, I
found my car had been
stolen and I don't have
any insurance.I left my
wallet in the cab I took
home.I found my wife
with another man and the
dog bit me." "So I
came to this bar to
work up the courage to
put an end to it all. I
buy a drink, I drop a
capsule in and sit here
watching the poision
dissolve.Then you
show up and drink the
whole thing! But
enough about me.
How's your day going?"



LEVELS OF STRESS

You pick up a
hitchhiker, a beauiful
youny girl.Suddenly she
faints inside your car
and you take her to
hospital.
NOW THAT'S
STRESSFUL.
But at the hospital, they
say she is pregnant and
congratulate you that
you are going to be a
father. You say that you
are not the father, but
the girl says you are.

THIS IS GETTING
VERY STRESSFUL.
So then....you
request a DNA test to
prove that you are not
the father.After the
tests are completed, the
says that you are
infertile, and probably
have been since
birth. You are extremely
stressed but relieved. On
your way home, you
think about your 3
kids, NOW THAT'S
STRESS!




FIVE DEADLY TERMS
USED BY A WOMAN:

1.Fine: This is the word
women use to end an
argument when she
knows she is right and
you need to shut-up

2.Nothing: Means
something and you
need to be worried.

3.Go Ahead: This is a
dare, not permission, do
not do it.

4.Whatever: A woman's
way of saying screw you.

5.That's Okay: She is
thinking long and hard
on how and when you
will pay for your mistake.

BONUS WORD: Wow! This
is not a compliment, she's
amazed that one person
could be so stupid.




THINGS THAT ARE
DIFFICULT TO SAY
WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE
VERY DIFFICULT TO
SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anticomstitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transsubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE
DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE
TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married

2. Nope, no more booze
for me

3. Sorry but you're not
really my type

4. No, I don't want to see
your fanny

5. No my cocks fine as it
is I don't want you to
suck it

6. No please don't sit on
my face I've got asthma.






MY FIRST TIME!
The sky was dark. The
moon was high. All
alone just her and I . Her
hair so soft. Her eyes so
blue. I knew just what
she wanted to do. Her
skin so soft. Her legs so
fine. I ran my fingers
down her spine. I didn't
know how but I tried
my best. To place my
hand upon her breast. I
remember my fear. My
fast beating heart. But
slowly she spread her
legs apart. And when
she did I felt no
shame. As all at once the
white stuff came. At
least it was finished. Its
all over now. My first
time MILKING A COW!

Yes I know what you was
thinking! send this to all
your dirty minded friends

[Bikkie]

TOUNGE TWISTER:

How many buds can a bud packer pack till a bud packer can't pack buds.

( see if you can say it 5 times fast without fucking up LOL )




Teacher: "Billy, if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Billy: "None, the others would fly away."

Teacher: "The answer is four but I like the way you think."

Billy: "I have a question for you Miss. There are three women eating ice-cream cones, one is licking, one biting and one sucking. Which one is married?"

Teacher nervously answers
"The one sucking."

Billy: "The answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."




Last night we played a game where we gave each other nicknames with
Bird Theme. I was an owl "clever". Pete was an Eagle "good hunter".
Oh and you were a Thrush "an irritating cunt."




My car failed it's mot. It needs work on the suspension, brakes steering and bodywork.
I said to the mechanic "do you do shocks?" he said "yeah, it will be about 3 grand to get
it back on the road"




"LEARNING CHINESE"

69: Two Can Chou.

That's Not Right: Sum Ting wong.

Are You Harboring A Fugitive?: Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See Me ASAP: Kum Hia Nao.

Stupid Man: Dum Gai.

Small Horse: Tai Ni Po Ni.

Did You Go To The Beach?: Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped Into The Coffee Table: Ai Bang Mai Ni.

I Think You Need A Face Lift: Chin Tu Fat.

It's Very Dark In Here: Wai So Dim?

I Thought You Were On A Diet: Mun Ching?

This Is A Tow Away Zone: No Pah King.

You Are Not Very Bright: You So Dum.

I Got This For Free: Ai No Pei.

Please Stay A While Longer: Wai Go Noo?

Stay Out Of Sight: Lei Lo.

He's Cleaning His Automobile: Wa Shing Ka.

Your Body Odor Is Offensive: Yustin Ki Pu.




Texting For The Over 40's and 50's
The kids have all their SMS codes like WTF, LOL and PMSL etc.
So here are some codes for the more mature:

ATD=At The Doctors.

BFF=Best Friends Funeral.BTW=Bring The Wheelchair.

HGBM=Had Good Bowel Movement.

WTL=Where's The Lubricant.

ISMSA=I've Shit My self Again.

WTFMT=Where The Fucks My Teeth.




For some time, many of us have wondered who is 'Jack Shit?'
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Shit"
Well, thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Shit
is the only son of Awe Shit who married O Shit, the owners of Knee Deep n Shit Inc.
In turn Jack Shit married No Shit. The couple had 6 children:
Holy Shit, Give a Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit, and the twins Deep Shit and Dip Shit. Deep Shit married Dumb Shit , a high school dropout.
After 15 years, Jack and No Shit got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became No Shit Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Shit-happens.
Bull Shit traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa Shit.
So tell me now you don't know Jack Shit!


NEW DRINKING
WARNING JUST RELEASED:
Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice
will ruin your liver. Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth...There you have it!!! ICE is fuckin lethal. Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice, just drink it straight !!! Forward this immediately. You could save a life!!! And don't forget what it did to the fuckin Titanic!!!




Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every plant survives thirst, but a cactus can. Not every retard can read, but look at you having a go!!!!!!!
Today is International Nutters Day. Please sendan encouring message to fucked up friends, just as I have done. I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals or shit yourself. You hang in there cuo cake, you're fucking special, you're my mate!!!! Look at you smiling at your phone!!!!




ADULT SCRABBLE...................
Rearrange the letters to spell out an important
part of the human body which is even more important when erect.

P N E S I

People who wrote spine became doctors...

The rest are sadly the sort of people that make up my friends.




WALLET SCAM WARNING!
In Woolworths, whilst packing shopping into the car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old East European girls , in tight tiny tops They wash your screen with tits hanging out and ask for a lift to the next shop as payment.
On the way they strip and go down on each other.
Then 1 climbs in front and sucks you off while the other nicks your wallet!
I had mine stolen last Tuesday and Wednesday. twice on Thursday and again today.

BE CAREFUL!!




Heard my Neighbour shagging for what seemed ages last night, moaning, groaning
and banging the headboard off the wall!...Turns out her elderly mother had fallen
over, cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help...Feel a bit guilty about the wank now.




An old man and his grandson went into a bookies. The boy asks his grandad if he could put a bet on.
"If you can touch your arsehole with your dick, you can have a bet. says grandad.
"I can't" says the lad.
"Well, your not old enough then."
So the boy goes next door, buys buys a scratch card and wins 50 Grand! His grandad suggested they split the winnings 50-50.
"Can you touch your arse with your dick?" asks the boy.
"Yes!" shouts grandad.
"Well, go fuck yourself then."




He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face.
As his girlfriend moved forwards the backwards.....
forwards then
backwards....
back and forth..
back and forth..
In and out..
in and out..
Her heart was pounding
faster, her face was
getting flushed and she
started to grunt and
groan.
Then she let out one
almighty scream!!!
"I can't park this fuckin car! You do it!




Guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Triple scotch on the rocks fast."
Barman says, "You had a bad day?" Guy says, "Fuck yeah my 5 year old son got the neighbours 18 year old pregnant." Barman asks,"Fuck how is that even possible?" Guy replies,"The liittle shit poked holes in my condoms."




I thought my new girlfriend might be."The one"...but after looking throuh her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a french maids uniform and a policewoman's uniform I've dumped her. She obvously can't hold down a job.




This story is about 4 cunts, named Everycunt, Anycunt, Nocunt and Someothercunt, one day, there was a job that needed doing, and Someothercunt was asked to do it, Everycunt was sure Someothercunt would do do it, but Nocunt did it.
Everycunt got shitty cause it was Someothercunt's job.
Nocunt didn't realise that Anycunt could have done it. It ended up with Everycunt blaming Someothercunt and Nocunt doing what Anycunt could have done. I think I work with these cunts.

[Bikkie]

Rocky the rooster was the meanest, biggest rooster in the world and spent his time beating the shit out of all the animals on the farm.
One day he picked on the farmyard cat, unfortunately the cat beat the shit out of him.
The moral of the story is: No matter how big the cock is, the pussy can always take it.




The wife asked me what I was doing on the
computer last night. I
told her I was looking
for cheap flights. "I love
you!" she said, then she
got all excited, un-zipped my trousers and gave me
the most amazing blowjob
ever.... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before




A son asks his dad the difference between theoretically and realistically.
Dad says that's hard, but I have an idea. Ask Mum if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million.
Mum says yes. Dad says. now ask your sister if she'll sleep with the postman for 2 million. Sister says yes.
Well, there you go son that's your answer, theoretically we're sitting on 3 million but realistically we're living with two sluts.