Share your txt jokes

**WristTwister** · 26th June 2016, 22:38

Originally Posted by Bikkie

The average man walks 900 miles and drinks 20 gallons of beer per year meaning the average man gets 45 miles per gallon.

If he could do 1000 miles, he'd be a keeper.

He'd be the man who would walk 500 miles and he would walk 500 more, just to be the man to walk 1000 miles to fall down at my door.

**Virago** · 26th June 2016, 22:47

Originally Posted by WristTwister

If he could do 1000 miles, he'd be a keeper.

He'd be the man who would walk 500 miles and he would walk 500 more, just to be the man to walk 1000 miles to fall down at my door.

**Laava** · 26th June 2016, 23:29

Originally Posted by WristTwister

If he could do 1000 miles, he'd be a keeper.

He'd be the man who would walk 500 miles and he would walk 500 more, just to be the man to walk 1000 miles to fall down at my door.

So, a doormat?

**Bikkie** · 2nd July 2016, 05:48

My Thai girlfriend says,a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship,but I still wish she didn't have one.

**Bikkie** · 9th July 2016, 06:24

"It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaisam all have the same god,and he's telling them all different things."

"American sex shops are the most bizarre.They sell these inflatable dolls,but they also sell just the head-supposedly for people to drive along the highway with."

"Marriage is a wonderful invention:then again,so is a bicycle repair kit".

"Suicide...bombing,there's a bright idea.Everytime there's a bang,the world's a wanker short."

"My definition of an intelllectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."

"Never trust a man,who when left alone with a tea cosy...doesn't try it on."

"The human race has been set up.Someone.Somewhere,is playing a practical joke on us.Apparently,women need to feel loved to have sex.Men need to have sez to feel loved.How do we ever get started?"

"I worry about ridiculous things.You know,how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning...That can keep me awake for days."

**Bikkie** · 17th July 2016, 06:09

So I am going in for surgery this week. I've decided I am going to run for parliament,so I'm getting my foreskin sown back on,because to be a politician you have to be a complete DICK.

In art class at school,I was taught that black is a shade,not a colour,which must mean that black people aren't coloured they are shady.

**Bikkie** · 30th July 2016, 05:34

I thought I saw the wife out in the back yard this morning,jabbering away to herself.But it was just the wheelie bin lid blowing up and down in the wind.

Spent a couple of hours at the wife's grave this morning.Bless her heart,she thinks I'm digging a pond.

Bloke sat in his armchair shouts to his wife,"When I die I'm leaving everything to you love".She shouts back,"You already do you lazy bastard"....

I've just got back from the world blindfold masturbating championships...........I've no idea where I came!!....

A girl told me;if I can get her pussy wet I could have sex with her......So I pissed on her cat.

**YellowDog** · 11th August 2016, 22:49

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike

**Bikkie** · 13th August 2016, 06:28

The wife says I'm tight!,so to prove her wrong we went out for tea and biscuits! It was quite exciting as she's never given blood before.

**Bikkie** · 6th October 2016, 08:11

I went to the doctor's today,he said I was to avoid saturated Fat....! That's it then,no more shagging her in the shower.

**Bikkie** · 6th November 2016, 04:51

I was walking along the beach the other day,with my Mackintosh laptop slung over my shoulder,when the strap broke,and it fell into the ocean.Now it's a Dell [ Adele ] rolling in the deep.

I was sexually active at 12....it's now 12.15 and my arm is killing me.

It must be time to check my credit card statement.The wife just offered me a blowjob.

I sent my girlfriend out to buy a dominatrix outfit. ...She came back with a wedding dress.

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.Paddy says,"Are you on foot or in the car?" Billy says,"In the car." Paddy says,"That's the quickest way."

**Bikkie** · 12th November 2016, 04:51

Did you hear about the new bimbo flavoured icecream?....Hopehepokesme...

Women reach their sexual peak after 35 years.Men reach theirs after about 4 minutes.

**Bikkie** · 4th December 2016, 05:28

What is the best evidence that Microsoft has monopoly?
Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.

My wife said to me that if she jingled my bells,she'd promise me a white Christmas.

Why is Christmas just like your job?
Because you do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

My wife set a limit on how much we can spend on each other for Christmas.
It's a $100 on me and $500 on her.

I asked a girl if her name was jingle bells,because she looked like she'd go all the way.

How do you know that Santa is a man?
No woman wears the same attire every year.

I've had enough of Christmas.All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for.And what happens Christmas morning?That fat fucker with a beard gets all the credit!!!
Still I suppose its my fault for marrying her....!!

I've got a New Years resolution this year,I'm giving up smoking and masturbation.It's going to be hard though,I'm a 20 a day man.......and I smoke like a chimney.

The only thing more romantic than twelve roses on a piano is tulips on an organ.....

A wonderful song told me to Deck The Halls....So I did.Mr and Mrs Hall were not happy.

An honest politician,a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were talking when they all noticed a $5 bill on the floor.Who picked it up?
Santa of course the other to don't exist!

Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

**Bikkie** · 10th December 2016, 04:52

I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.

What did the maori boy get for Christmas?
Your bike.