Bad sexist jokes

[sugilite:Me]

What is the difference between a woman with pmt and a rabid rottweiler?









Lipstick

[Mikkel]

How do you define a kiwi gentleman?
A man who leaves the shower to take a piss in the sink!

Why do some blondes have bruises around their navels?
There are blonde men as well.

What's the difference between your motorbike and a blonde?
You don't lend your motorbike to your mates.

A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police, the man pokes his head out of the window and says "what seems to be the problem officer?" the cop looks bluntly at him and says "are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about 2 minutes ago?" the man let out a sigh "thank fuck for that i thought i had gone deaf!"

I obviously deserve a lot better then .... I don't have them!

Either someone ought to say "congratulations!" or "have another pie dear!"

[Mikkel]

Just fell over this one:

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.

[BIHB@0610]

I obviously deserve a lot better then .... I don't have them!

Via rep (at least it was green) .... "Not a 'proper' woman, then? *nasty snigger*"

Thanks

[Mikkel]

Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.

Woman inspires us to great things...and prevents us from achieving them.

Via rep (at least it was green) .... "Not a 'proper' woman, then? *nasty snigger*"

Thanks

HTFU girl - you better get used to those low stabs... Part of the charm here on KB

Remembering Monty Python it's actually rather funny.

Couple of good things to bear in mind:

Red rep means you got in their head.
When people start attacking information on your profile page it's a good indication that the good arguments are running low.

[DingoZ]

Difference between a woman and a washing machine.

Washine machine doesn't follow you around for three days after you dump your load in it.....







I am so going to hell......

[BIHB@0610]

Mishap of Words
These two guys walk into a bar, and they've each got a black eye... The bartender asks the first guy. "What happened to you?"

The first guy responds "I had a slight mishap of words with my wife.. You see, we were getting plane tickets, and the lady behind the terminal was REALLY big breasted and I accidentally said `Two pickets to titsburg please!' and I MEANT to say 'Two tickets to Pittsburgh!' and she hit me.."

The bartender looks at the second guy and asks. "And you?"

The second guy responds "I had a slight mishap of words also.. This morning, while I was eating breakfast, I meant to say 'Please pass the margarine' but instead, I accidentally said `You stupid bitch, you ruined my life'..."

[BIHB@0610]

Understanding Men

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

[MSTRS:Me]

Via rep (at least it was green) .... "Not a 'proper' woman, then? *nasty snigger*"

Thanks

I was. Did you miss the big shiteating grin behind those words?

[BIHB@0610]

Hehe ... thanks, I appreciate it now! Just nice to know who's taking the piss. Take all you like from now on (there's not much else left to take!)

Tampax have announced they are swapping the string on all Tampax for tinsel, but just for the Christmas period!

[Swampdonkey]

Why did the man cross the road?


...he heard the chicken was a slut

[Mikkel]

Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark!

Women are cute and cuddly - every man should own one.

How are women and high school phone policies similar?
Because they can be seen but not heard
Why do women live longer than men?
Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking.


Can't remember if this one was already posted here - but it made me laugh:

I married Mrs. Right.
Didn't know her first name was Always...

[ynot slow]

Oldy but goody.

A yank,an aussie and rangi were at the kingsgate in rotovegas having breakfast after they were all married the day before and starting the honeymoon.
The yank says to his wife"pass the honey honey",the aussie not to be outdone says"pass the sugar sugar",rangi never to be outdone says"pass the tea bag".

[Livvy]

I obviously deserve a lot better then .... I don't have them!

+1

Thank god for depo provera!

Just fell over this one:

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.

It's the penis. Sorry. That'll always be the reason.

I am so going to hell......

At least Mikkel will be there to keep you company.

Oldy but goody.

A yank,an aussie and rangi were at the kingsgate in rotovegas having breakfast after they were all married the day before and starting the honeymoon.
The yank says to his wife"pass the honey honey",the aussie not to be outdone says"pass the sugar sugar",rangi never to be outdone says"pass the tea bag".

Ohhh that's a good one.

Just another of the "men are like"s -

Men are like public toilets;
The best ones are taken and the rest are all either handicapped or full of shit.

[BIHB@0610]

Why do men want to marry virgins?
>> They can't stand criticism ....


How are husbands like lawn mowers?
>> They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How does a man keep his youth?
>> By giving her money, furs and diamonds.


Rules for Men...

1 The Female always makes The Rules.
2 The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3 No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4 If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5 The Female is never wrong.
6 If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.
7 If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8 The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9 The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10 The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11 The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.
12 The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13 The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14 The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
15 Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16 At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17 If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

Oh dammit, sorry, this is a joke thread - that one is for real .......