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Thread: Court Reports

  1. #1
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    Smile Court Reports

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
    Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
    now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
    these exchanges were actually taking place.
    __________________________________________________ __________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    __________________________________________________ __________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
    forgot?

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
    morning?

    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan!

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
    voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different
    attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    ______________________________________


    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Guess.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
    dead people?

    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would
    you like to rephrase that?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
    go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table

    wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________

    --- And the best for last: ---

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
    for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
    began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
    nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
    practicing law.

    May the bridges I burn light the way.

    Follow Vinny's MX racing on www.mxvinny.com


  2. #2
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    Bwahahahahaha, geez there some idiots out there!
    "I came into this game for the action, the excitement... go anywhere, travel light,... get in, get out,... wherever there's trouble, a man alone... Now they got the whole country sectioned off; you can't make a move without a form."

    Paved roads are just another example of wasted tax payer dollars.

  3. #3
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    Talking

    Quote Originally Posted by deanohit View Post
    Bwahahahahaha, geez there some idiots out there!
    Ai. Sure is. The "Voodoo" one has to be my favorite thou

    May the bridges I burn light the way.

    Follow Vinny's MX racing on www.mxvinny.com


  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Conquiztador View Post
    Ai. Sure is. The "Voodoo" one has to be my favorite thou
    When I read that one, damn if I almost woke the house up!
    I really liked this one:
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
    "I came into this game for the action, the excitement... go anywhere, travel light,... get in, get out,... wherever there's trouble, a man alone... Now they got the whole country sectioned off; you can't make a move without a form."

    Paved roads are just another example of wasted tax payer dollars.

  5. #5
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    .....

  6. #6
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    Hee hee

    Brain in jar and oral ones got me.
    We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
    Running over the same old ground.
    What have you found? The same old fears.
    Wish you were here. QWQ

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