Two women and a bike

[BIHB@0610]

I'm a Mum of three - and having suffered some loss of my own I can sort of understand the panic your Mum feels (right or wrong) at you taking off motorsickling on the other side of the world. She has lost two people very close to her, but she's transferring her fear and loss to you. That's not necessarily healthy. Be strong, you have to live your own life. Do what is in your heart, and it will be good for both of you.

I can almost feel her panic to keep you close, and safe, and under control. A bit of distance will heal that for her - and when you get back she'll love sharing your adventures!

Go for it chick, the world is your oyster

[mv.senna]

OMG lovie, sounds like you and i have identical situations, and mum's (apart from the loss bit).

I think all mum's are the same ay. They will always worry about us on our bikes - it's what they do. It 's how you manage them to minimise the worry factor is the thing.

I bought my first bike 8 years ago, took 3 mths to tell my parents, and when I did, my mum cried for nearly 2 days. It wasn't til one of my cousins (who rode) reassured her that I knew what I was doing on the bike, and was safe, and that the bike was in top condition etc that she was able to cope with it a bit better...

I'm not sure how long you've been riding for, or your history. I've had a couple of minor off's - so Ma's really only marginally more ok with me riding even now, but she knows that I love my bike; and that i ride wearing the proper gear, as safely as poss, with people who do the same. She's met the crew I ride with - which was important to her, and we arrange sometimes to meet her and my dad somewhere for lunch on a ride. These days, if I'm going to visit, I phone her about an hour after I've left already so that I turn up way earlier than she'd expect - same thing if I've had a quicker trip home than expected! lol. minimise the worry factor. lol

My mum's come to deal with it in her own way, in her own time (tho I think sometimes its by putting fingers in the ears yelling "I can talk louder than you can" lol). But ultimately (afta a chat over margarita's one nite) she has recognised that riding my bike is categorically the thing I love doing most in the world (apart from drinking coffee lol!) and I won't stop riding by choice.

So, if sitting your mum down and having a good natter over some margarita's doesn't work for you the same way it did for me, then you could always point out that statistically speaking european drivers are heaps better than kiwi ones!

Good luck matey...and good on you for considering/respectin yr ma's feelings.

[slowpoke]

Sounds harsh, but you are your own person and responsible for no-one. You are not responsible for her pain.
Yup, your mum has experienced some pain AS HAVE MOST OF US, but the fact that she is tugging on the heart strings is probably a result of the inadvertent "training" you have probably given her in the past. The fact you are so acutely aware of her feelings says a lot about your interaction with each other and the dynamics in the relationship. Your empathy is to be applauded but this day should have come 10 years ago.

Life isn't measured by the number of breathes you take but by the moments that take your breathe away.....sappy but true.

Pulling out of the driveway, with your partner, in your new Ford Focus is one thing....but sitting astride a bike and wrapping your arms around your loved one for the first time is one of those moments you'll remember in 50 years time on your death bed.

[MaxB]

Just ride your ride. Put it this way, if your Dad was still with you how do you think he would feel if you compromised your way of life for him? Wouldn't he want you to be happy?

As an aside a friend of ours has just got her life sorted with a new house, car, good schools family close by etc. and was finally looking forward to a life without the kids when #1 son tells her shes becoming a grandmother at 34 years old. It took her an hour to deal with it and then she swung into action. Fiancee is moving in next week. As she says live life for now, not later.

[Bikernereid]

I have always been a free spirit and have done what I want and when I want. My mum has always been extremely supportive, has been the best and has put up with a lot from me over the years. She is basing her fears on my being the black sheep of the family and being a bit of a head case!!

I have decided that compromise is not a dirty word and have chosen to not buy a bike until the other half arrives. This way both Shane and I can talk to my mum and just explain in person where we are going and the bike we will buy. I think she is getting her head around that I am not buying my perfect bike but am going for the sensible option, so this can only help.

Life is about being considerate of and sensitive to other peoples feelings. My mum means the world to me and if I can buy a bike without up setting her then that is the most important thing. I have travelled all round the world, she has been great so I think I will do a some of you suggested and send her regular pics so that she can see I am ok and having a great time doing what I love and with the man I love.

[Joni]

Tell her what I told mine: "I know you are really worried, but I cannot stop living because of something that may happen in the future, this is something that I really want and will make me very happy... I hope you will support me, no matter how difficult it is for you to undertsand"

My mothers eyes welled up, she said "fine" and hugged me.

[Bikernereid]

I am the same. My dad said you never lie on your death bed wishing you had worked more and that you should never have regrets. I have managed to do what I want; travelling, changing career and going back to uni etc and so far I really don't have any regrets. And like you I do not want to die having any regrets and not showing my other half around Europe would be a huge regret.

I am sure things will work out and that once my mum has got over my car crash she will be ok with the trip and the bike.

Personally, my biggest fear has never been that I'll end up under some 18 wheeler on a freeway somewhere. Its more that I'll be on my deathbed someday, and wishing I'd done that great thing I always dreamed of doing, whatever it might be, when its all too late to make it happen. I couldn't imagine anything worse than that.

You have a choice about what you do with your life. Equally, other people have a choice about how they react to that, and that is outside of your control. You cannot be responsible for someone else's fear, even if its someone close to you.

[ManDownUnder]

As has been said - I think the whole staying in contact thing is the big one. I can see your Mother has a genuine fear - she sounds like she's lost a lot and understandibly that's going to impact her feelings about you and a bike.

Stay in touch with her, same time every day etc. Put a card in your wallet - in case of emergency call xxx xxx xxx (Mum) etc etc etc. Do every thing you reasonably can to keep her involved, and assure her you are safe

[motorbike.ventures]

A little late but my two cents:

Let your mom know that you realize a motorcycle is not the most safest thing on earth, but that you are going to take all possible measures to make it safe. i.e. all the gear all the time, not driving while tired or drunk, etc.

I always say, I could live a boring life and never ride, and still get hit by a car crossing the street one day.

But perhaps if you tell her that you are not going to be doing crazy things on your bike, that you plan to ride safe and come back in one piece might help.

Also, I agree with above that contact might help her in this case so that she does not worry.

Enjoy your trip!

[buellbabe]

Its nice that you and yr mum are obviously really close but you're 34! Ok so I am not a mum and infact I am completely unqualified to comment cos my folks were the complete opposite!

But for what its worth I reckon you need to follow your own heart...a motorbike tour with yr man will be an experience you will never forget...trust me on this...DO IT!

[Jaxi]

Hiya, I don't have kids and my Mum was always cool about me riding bikes, so can't comment on your main issue, but I would say that although regular contact would be reassuring for your Mum, making it the same time every day could be a bit dangerous.

Even if it was a quick txt at 3pm each day, you may be out of mobile range or having so much fun on the road that you forget about the time!!! Mum then gets worried for no reason (hopefully no reason!).

Have you been riding for a while or are you pillioning with your partner? Maybe if this is all new to your Mum then once she sees you in all your gear, getting out there on a few day trips etc it won't seem so scary to her.

Have an awesome trip!!

[mstriumph]

.............when are you old enough not be be considered your mother's little girl and to go against her wishes?

..................So how can I try and pursuade my mother that just cos I was in a car crash it is not the end of the world if I buy a motorbike?

first question -
you are NEVER old enough to disregard your mother's wishes

second question -
tell her you love her, appreciate her concern and wouldn't do anything to willingly hurt her ...

but tell her that you have just as much chance of being bowled over whilst crossing the street on foot, or by being run into by another car whilst driving a replacement car, as you do of being knocked off a bike

tell her that you can only do what YOU can to keep yourself safe but there's always the chance of some OTHER road user doing the wrong thing

and tell her that to live a life wrapped in cotton wool is no life at all

then tell her its something YOU really want to do but, if she feels THAT strongly about it, you won't .... and YOU'LL HATE HER FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE!!!

no charge

[McJim]

My dad just said "Don't come running to me if you break both your legs then." 'nuff said.

[n0regret5]

hey - as a cool thread bump, i have 'no regrets' tattooed on my chest, just below my collar bones. i try to live everyday by it..not many people understand. life is meant to be lived..i'm sure if you chuck her on the back of a nice comfy cruiser and took her for a quick belt she'd love it! my nan at 94 went on the back of my brothers chopper just a while back (its a triumph saint with 42deg of rake and thusly a 5foot front end) and absolutely loved it..now she asks me all kinds of questions about my bikes.

just another opinion..:-)

[Hanne]

The first trip I went on was around the South Island when I was 17 and my Mum was also really worried about me. I did text her quite often (like, every day) but the point about no signal is a valid one becasue when we got to Fox Glacier and had no signal she did get quite worried about not hearing. I think the first time there will always be more worries, but once you come back safe and sound the next time will be easier and, as has been mentioned before, it will be really good for your mum to see that she can let go and see you go into 'risky' situations and still come back. (Since that first trip I have been solo to Napier and back with little contact home and Mum was way more confisent that yes, i would be coming back)

The other thing I did was send postcards which was cool because they took a while to arrive so there wasn't the anxiety associated with the instant services (eg. texting) but I could still keep my family at home updated.