The Computer says no!

**martybabe** · 30th March 2008, 18:55

I like my Computer and kiwi biker,they've been a lot of comfort to a lonely pom abroad but my particular steam driven model is always taking the piss. I swear It's a moody Fugger!

I don't normally ask for help but if there are any computer whizz kids out there that speak English that can shed some light on today's particular p.c. Tantrum for me , I would be very grateful.

Every time I turn it on it says : puter is low on virtual memory, please hang the fuck on while it makes some more! Why, only half the memory is being used.!! and if you know why what do I do about it?

Secondly ; It's refusing to acknowledge my digi camera.The cameras sat on the desk in front of me all plugged in but the computer says nah. It's uploaded loads of photos from this camera before, I usually get a lil pop up box saying; what do you want to do with these pix but no, nothing, Nada.

p.s. I've adjusted my stool and cleaned the speakers but it doesn't seem to have helped.

I know this is a boring thread and if I had any mates I'd ask them but I wanna upload my photos and the temperamental b'stard wont let me.

Please help,in words an old techno retard can understand. Thank you.

**Maha** · 30th March 2008, 19:03

Ok, what you will need requires very little outlay...
One small tin of flammable liquid ie: Turps or something similar
One naked flame exponant ie: Match or Ciggy Lighter
Directions are as follows...Douse pc with Turps or something similar, and ignite with Match or Ciggy Lighter.
Best done outside for obvious reason close to a water outlet ie: Hose.
Before undertaking this proccedure, make sure Contents Insurance has not lasped...

**Usarka** · 30th March 2008, 19:08

Originally Posted by martybabe

p.s. I've adjusted my stool but it doesn't seem to have helped.

thats why you cant work it out! for god sake man don't hold it in.

**martybabe** · 30th March 2008, 19:10

Originally Posted by maha man

Ok, what you will need requires very outlay...
One small tin of flammable liquid ie: Turps or something similar
One naked flame exponant ie: Match or Ciggy Lighter
Directions are as follows...Douse pc with Turps or something similar, and ignite with Match or Ciggy Lighter.
Best done outside for obvious reason close to a water outlet ie: Hose.
Before undertaking this proccedure, make sure Contents Insurance has not lasped...

Bwahaha, don't tempt me dude, I'm on the edge with this fugger!

**Zuki Bandit** · 30th March 2008, 19:14

Not very helpful, but very satisfying!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZLCoYrmZwk

**martybabe** · 30th March 2008, 19:18

Originally Posted by Usarka

thats why you cant work it out! for god sake man don't hold it in.

Fuggin hell, this is already the funniest thing I've read today but it don't help. ok ' wheres the "I imput 3 million code squiggle doobies per hour " people when ya need em.

**CookMySock** · 30th March 2008, 19:20

Originally Posted by martybabe

Bwahaha, don't tempt me dude, I'm on the edge with this fugger!

HIT IT!! QUICK! STRIKE WHILE THE IRON'S HOT !!!

DB

**martybabe** · 30th March 2008, 19:32

Originally Posted by Zuki Bandit

Not very helpful, but very satisfying!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZLCoYrmZwk

Oh shit I didn't realise the cameras were watching me.

**ynot slow** · 30th March 2008, 20:10

Put some wheels on it and tow the fucker at 160km behind ya ,well was good towing a washing machine at 70km behind an Anglia 20ys ago.

**Spuds1234** · 30th March 2008, 20:43

Cant fix your digital camera problems as I dont know anything about them however I can possibly shed some light on your virtual memory problems.

To increase the size of your page file (virtual memory) follow these instructions:

1. Press the Windows key + Pause Break key (or right click on your my computer icon and select properties)

2. Select the "Advanced" tab then in the "Performance" part select "Settings"

3. Select the "Advanced" tab again, then under the part labeled "Virtual Memory" select "Change"

4. Select "Custom Size" and change the "initial size" to something like "1024" and the "maximum size" to "2048"

5. Click "Set"

6. Click "OK", "OK", "OK" You should be back at your desktop and good to go.

If you want I can take a stab at fixing your USB problem. But first I would suggest trying a different USB port. You may have to unplug your keyboard or something to do it, but all your doing is seeing if your computer will recognize you camera in a differerent port not trying to get the pictures off at this stage. Its all about trouble shooting baby.

**smoky** · 30th March 2008, 21:03

Originally Posted by martybabe

I like my Computer it's been a lot of comfort to a lonely pom .... Every time I turn it on it says : puter is low on virtual memory, please hang the fuck on while it makes some more!

Sounds to me like you have an Amish virus in your computer, you just need to do a ‘search files’ to find all your .exe files, and then delete them one by one.

Your computer won’t give that message any longer after that – you may not be able to do anything any more with your computer after that – so it should give you more time to ride your bike

And stop trying to turn your computer on – that’s way to kinky

**scrivy** · 30th March 2008, 21:10

Originally Posted by Zuki Bandit

Not very helpful, but very satisfying!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZLCoYrmZwk

Hardcase video mate!!

Also, try this one!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lj4Uv...eature=related
F@cken cracks me up!!

**martybabe** · 30th March 2008, 21:15

Originally Posted by Spuds1234

Cant fix your digital camera problems as I dont know anything about them however I can possibly shed some light on your virtual memory problems.

Its all about trouble shooting baby.

Yees, Thanx mate, I'm on it.

**martybabe** · 30th March 2008, 21:23

Originally Posted by smoky

Sounds to me like you have an Amish virus in your computer, you just need to do a ‘search files’ to find all your .exe files, and then delete them one by one.

Your computer won’t give that message any longer after that – you may not be able to do anything any more with your computer after that – so it should give you more time to ride your bike

And stop trying to turn your computer on – that’s way to kinky

Blimey smoky, I've got the time to ride just aint got the weather. had me nose pressed to the window all day waitin for it to dry up. Thats why I'm trying to sort out this blooding puta thing.

The computers about the only thing I can turn on these days and even thats pretending to have a headache.

**martybabe** · 30th March 2008, 21:45

Yeah, spuds 1234567, your the man. Followed your instuctions to the letter and that anoying message has farked orf into the cosmos.

Top bloke !!!!!!! xxxxxxx

Needless to say a virtual beer (Bling) is on its way.

Right just gotta find an alternative hole for my thingy. USB, us puta boffins call it.