Thursday Joke

[Biff]

An aircraft was about to crash, on board were 5 passengers. Ronaldo the Brazilian footballing genius, Kofi Annan secretary general of the UN, George (dubya) Bush, the Pope and a school kid. Unfortunately there were only four parachutes.

"I am the worlds greatest footballer, my death would be a devastating blow to millions", proclaimed Ronaldo who promptly put on a parachute and jumped from the plane.

"As secretary general of the UN, my job is to help make decisions that save millions of lives every year", stated Kofi Annan who then grabbed a parachute and jumped form the plane.

" I am the president of the most powerful nation in the world" stated George Bush. " My death would result in an increase in terrorist activities resulting in the death of thousands of innocent civilians all around the world", he claimed, before grabbing a parachute and jumping from the plane.

This left the pope and the school kid. "I am an old man" stated the pope. " I have lived my life, you should take the parachute in order for you to live out the rest of your natural years" said the pope smiling at the young school kid.

" Don't worry", said the school kid.” There are two parachutes left. That idiot of an American president just jumped out of the plane with my school bag".

Justice?

[thehollowmen]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Yeah I hear the worst marriage jokes cause I've got my wedding in two weeks..


Q. Why is Christmas like work?

A. Because you run around and do the hard yards while a
clown in a suit takes all the credit!


Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day. They
both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted
to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect bre,asts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity" The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen took a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shook
it up, and gargled. Then, she spit into the toilette and
pulled the lever.

The angel said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about?" "I
show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She simply gargled and she got in. Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," said the angel, "but even in heaven, a
royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."


Finally

The one question IQ Test...

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating
the action of brushing teeth, he successfully expresses
himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before you answer.






He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."

If you got this wrong. go on home, call it a day.

[MSTRS:Me]

FINALLY A CHAIN LETTER THAT I LIKE!
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor fucking 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send his email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy Bunny in the magazine! What a bunch of fucking bullshit.
So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Ceaser in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2005, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
Fuck them!
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly fucking amusing. I've seen all the 'send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a Nickel from some omniscient being forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:
(scroll down)
Make a wish!!!
Keep Scrolling
No, really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!



STOP!!!!


Wasn't that fun?

Hope you made a great wish

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:
Send this to 1 person:
One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people:
2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Send this to 5-10 people:
5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

Send this to 10-20 people:
10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.
Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.
Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do.
So this is how it works... Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, s he died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.

This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.



Chain Letter Type 4
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.Send it to all your friends.
FRIENDS:

A friend is someone who is always at your side.

A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes.
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs.
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English...no, sorry that's the cleaning lady.
A friend is NOT someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again!
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, wh ose only savior is the 5 cents perletter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?
Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you'll find all your knickers missing tomorrow morning!

[Skunk]

A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes.
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs.

Hey - stop describing me!

[Sniper]

Hahaha, hehe, stop, my stomach hurts, haha

[Artifice]

A Wag who was known as a practical joker and who had played the most diabolical tricks on his mates, was about to get married himself. He was in a word "nervous". Was Revenge nigh...
He was in a sweat when the Vicar announced "Is there any reason...", But despite his fear the wedding ceremony and the reception also went without waterpistols or rude telegrams. They even made it to the hotel without incident.
Next morning the groom called for room service "This is Mr Smith rm 13, I'd like to order breakfast for two."
At this point a voice from under the bed said "Make that five!".