It's Monday - let's have a smile

[Biff]

Some old, some new:


Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "dam".


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A jumper-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:

"A beer please, and one for the road"

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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

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Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

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"Doc, I can't stop singing "The green, green, grass of home"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

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Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly

"I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you" said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!"

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've herd this bullshit before

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well" says the vet "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy".

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the topshelf. And he said, "no, the steaks are too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

He was pulled in by a strong currant.

*******

A man walks into doctor's office.

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.

"It's... um... well... I have five penises. "replies the man.

"Blimey! says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove."

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

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Two fish are in a tank

One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

[Riff Raff]

*GROAN*

[Biff]

i did say smile - not laugh

[Storm]

har de har har

[Skunk]

[Biff]

ok, so the original posting was lame. In an attempt to appease those I've caused to yawn, scowl or otherwise here's a list of questions and observations that I come up with when trying to sleep at night.

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

2. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

3. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

4. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

5. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

6. I doubt, therefore I might be.

7. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

8. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

9. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

10. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. A fool and his money are soon partying.

13. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

14. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

15. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

17. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

18. If the No.2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still No.2?

19. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

20. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

21. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?