London Tube Train Announcements

**Biff** · 22nd December 2004, 10:43

Stolen from another web site, apparently these are all genuine London underground train announcmenets:

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second

carriage, what part of stand clear of the doors don't you understand?”

******************

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon)

"Please let the passengers off the train first.

Please let the passengers off the train first!

Please let the passengers off the train first!!!

Let the passengers off the train FIRST!!!

Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care. I'm

going home."

******************

"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take

your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that

is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for

public transport and not a bin on wheels"

******************

"I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen,

this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgware Road.

Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."

******************

"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you

sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a

card. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between

Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our

destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line - simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off: Hi, my name's Gary. How do you do?"

******************

"Please mind the closing doors..."

The doors close... The doors reopen.

"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of

the train are called the doors. Let's try it again, shall we? Please

stand clear of the doors."

The doors close...

"Thank you."

******************

"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered

into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but

these people tend to come out pretty quickly... usually in bits."

**Lucyloo** · 22nd December 2004, 10:48

Having spent many years travelling on the tubes in London, I found that very amusing! Believe me, they DO say stuff like that!
Thank you!

**Yokai** · 22nd December 2004, 11:01

My fave one of those was:

Passengers are reminded that there is no smoking allowed on the train. I'm not going to leave the station until all cigarettes are extinguished. No - Hiding it in the palm of your hand doesn't work - YES you.... looking round to see where I am and hide isn't going to work

Now how do you feel? ...
(guy stamps out cigarette)
Thankyou ....
(train starts)

This was in 92 on the Northern line ... New trains - new security cameras... Coolness!

**Daisy Duke** · 22nd December 2004, 11:28

Very good Biff. As a matter of interest, how does a guy like you manage to hold down such a good job an earn so much money yet spend his entire day on the internet? I'd love to know you jammy git.

**Biff** · 22nd December 2004, 11:35

Originally Posted by Daisy Duke

Very good Biff. As a matter of interest, how does a guy like you manage to hold down such a good job an earn so much money yet spend his entire day on the internet? I'd love to know you jammy git.

a) I'll sack anyone that questions my "research"
b) I always have a work related document open at the same time just in case the CEO walks in
c) Being a talent scout for Playboy isn't classified as a job, more a hobby

**Ghost Lemur** · 22nd December 2004, 11:57

Originally Posted by Daisy Duke

Very good Biff. As a matter of interest, how does a guy like you manage to hold down such a good job an earn so much money yet spend his entire day on the internet? I'd love to know you jammy git.

I'd love to know if there are any positions opening. :spudbooge

**Biff** · 22nd December 2004, 12:03

Originally Posted by Ghost Lemur

I'd love to know if there are any positions opening. :spudbooge

Being a Playboy talent scout is a very tiring job. All those fit, horny hunnies needing attention. There is a position going for a stunt double though....it's an internal vacancy but still.....