flyingcrocodile46's joke thread

[flyingcrocodile46]

One morning a Council road repair crew crew reaches their job-site and realise they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew's foreman calls the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels...just lean on each other until they arrive."

[flyingcrocodile46]

A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "What's that?"

The mom answers, "A vagina."

And the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"

And the mom answers, "As soon as you grow up."

Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, "What's that?"

And the dad answers, "A penis."

So the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"

And the the dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work."

[flyingcrocodile46]

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two
spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs,"

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and
stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden."

[flyingcrocodile46]

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.


2. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation

3. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.


4. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


5. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.


6. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

7. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

8. Things are more like they are today then they have ever been before.

9. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.


10. Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.

11. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.


12. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.


13. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.


14. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.


15. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.


16. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.


17. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.


18. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.


19. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.


21. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

[Gubb]

Yeah, Pedophilia, Rape and Incest are the funniest things.

Dropkick.

[flyingcrocodile46]

1. If you're too open minded, your brains would fall out.


2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a
garage makes you a mechanic.


4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.


6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.


7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.


9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.


10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.


11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.


12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.


13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.


14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.


15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.


16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.


18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.


19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.


20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.


21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.


22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.


23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.


25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.

[awayatc]

In Austria that is not a joke....

[MIXONE]

I resent that.I used to work for the council and we underwent vigorous training on how to lean on a shovel correctly so as not to get bad posture.

[flyingcrocodile46]

Yeah, Pedophilia, Rape and Incest are the funniest things.

Dropkick.

Sorry.. you have the wrong address.. victim support is some place else.

[Gubb]

If your child had been raped, I doubt you would find this sort of shit funny.

[nallac]

i go by #8.
easier to get forgiveness than permission.........

[flyingcrocodile46]

If your child had been raped, I doubt you would find this sort of shit funny.

I don't think I'd be so embittered that I'd loose all perspective of humour. Nor would I let anything (no matter how bad) turn me into a long term victim.

I'm sorry if someone you know has been victimised... but I ain't responsible for it and I respectfully suggest that you don't let it rule the rest of your lives. If you're tender at the moment then take a bit of time away from public forums till you're ready to interact without getting emo.

[Gubb]

Honestly mate, if you find jokes about child rape funny, your obviously not the sort of well-adjusted person that i'm interested in ever having an actual conversation with. I suspect i'm younger than you, but considerably more mature. Grow up.

After the whole "pedobear" fiasco, I don't see this thread being around for particularly long.

Welcome to the swelling ranks of my ignore list.

[flyingcrocodile46]

Welcome to the swelling ranks of my ignore list.

Yeah!... sticking your fingers in your ears and squeezing your eyes shut is real grown up.

Funny I didn't see anyone jumping up and down about the inappropriateness of all the pics of young girls in suggestive poses that have been plastered all over the picture association thread on and off over the last few weeks... which is likely to be more inciting for deviants who fear they are subject to such whims than a string of text posted in a joke thread.

Ever noticed that those that protest the most on righteous matters tend to be the most prominent offending deviants?... We only have to look to the catholic church to see examples of such evil hypocrite's.

I have a clear conscience so I don't feel insecure about jokes in that vein... I guess that can't be said of all.

[flyingcrocodile46]

My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he
hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left tit." Kelly said. "And a
beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"