flyingcrocodile46's joke thread

**flyingcrocodile46** · 11th May 2008, 00:36

A blind man, enters a Lesbian Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool, and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, the blind guy
yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ? "The bar
immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that
joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is
blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and She's a weight
lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The
blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

**flyingcrocodile46** · 11th May 2008, 00:37

Blow job Etiquette ( By a woman )

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is
not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get' it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just YOU
can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high school girls- if your that desperate, go jerk off and leave
me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth,
don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my
behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to
speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the
moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2
about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care
about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is
inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

A Man's Rebuttal

1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will. 2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot
easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and
be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on period, stuffing something in your mouth is
the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up.
6. Speaking of which, if are bleeding for five straight days,
you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste , but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. 9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better. 11. Caress the ass, too. WE like that.
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat and looking for
some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep". 13. I If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

**EJK** · 11th May 2008, 00:37

you can stop with the Jokes n Humor spree lol

**flyingcrocodile46** · 11th May 2008, 00:38

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when
one little boy says, "My Daddy smokes, and he can
blow smoke rings."

The second little boy pipes up, "Well, my Dad smokes,
too, and can blow smoke out of his ears."

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, "My
Dad can blow smoke out of his butt."

"Really, have you seen it?" reply the boys.

The third boy responds, "No, but I've seen the
tobacco stains on his underwear."

**flyingcrocodile46** · 11th May 2008, 00:40

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for
some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused,
explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant,
and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would
like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who
looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of
underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

**flyingcrocodile46** · 11th May 2008, 00:43

Originally Posted by EJKDDORAI

you can stop with the Jokes n Humor spree lol

Jokes???.. what jokes? I'd been given the impression that these posts were all taken seriously.... I wish you people would make up your minds

**flyingcrocodile46** · 11th May 2008, 00:47

Finally--a math trick for people who will follow directions!
.

Try this... it works!! Don't cheat by scrolling down or it *won't*
work!
.

STEP ONE:
Pick a number between 1 and 100.
Multiply it by 5.
Add your age minus the number in family.
Divide the number by 10 rounding to the nearest decimal.
Write down the number on one side of a piece of paper.
.

STEP TWO:
Pick another different number between 1 and 100.
Multiply by 1998.
Add the number in your family and subtract your age.
Divide the number by 10 rounding to the nearest decimal.
Write down the number on the other side of the piece of paper.
.

STEP THREE:
Take the first 2 digits of your home phone number and add them to the
last 2 digits of your work number and multiply by 365.
Write the number on a new sheet of paper.
.

STEP FOUR
Take the number of pets you have and add it to the number of children
you have, then multiply this number by your age.
Write the number on the second sheet of paper
.

STEP FIVE
Fold the first page in half.
Now fold the second page.
Place them side by side.
Now pick up the two sheets - sheet one in your left hand and sheet two
in your right hand.
.

NOW....
.

Find a bin/drawer and place the sheets in it....
.

Scroll down...
.
.
.
.

Now using both your hands...
.

Scroll down...
.
.
.
.
.
.

slap yourself around the head while repeating:

"I'm a stupid person who wastes too much time on junk like this."

**flyingcrocodile46** · 11th May 2008, 01:05

These two brothers both get married on the same day and both couples go
to the same exotic island for their honeymoon. On the first evening the
brothers are briefly left alone and they start wondering about how many
times they'll have sex that evening. They decide to have a little
competition and they agree that they'll tell each other how many times
they managed by using a code.

The following morning both couples have breakfast together. The waiter
comes over and asks what they'd like to eat.

The first brother replies, "I'll have FOUR slices of toast please," and
he smiles subtly at his brother.

The second brother says, "I'll have SIX slices of toast please... And
can you make three of them brown."

**flyingcrocodile46** · 11th May 2008, 01:06

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were
running late, and a lot of time passed.

Finally, one woman turned to the other. "You know, I've been sitting here
so long, my butt fell asleep!"

"I know," the other woman replied. "I heard it snoring."

**flyingcrocodile46** · 11th May 2008, 01:08

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the
condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well,"
he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I
want
the condoms because I think tonight's "THE" night. We're having dinner with
her
parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get
lucky
after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better
give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later
that
evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks
if
he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but
continues
praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told
me
that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers,
"You
never told me that your father is a pharmacist."