I don't know what's happening in this country. You've got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare - you don't know whether to carry sweets or money.
How come the film 'White Men Can't Jump' isn't racist but, when I try to make a film called 'Black Men Can't Get Jobs', I get called a racist?
What do you call a black man who flies a plane?
A pilot, you racist bastard.
Remember a few years ago all that fuss about the French testing atom bombs in the Pacific? Most of the world was dead against it, but the French insisted that it was OK.
Strange, though, that they got very upset when the Algerians decided to test a few of their bombs in Paris.
I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.
She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
My mate is addicted to brake fluid.
But he reckons he can stop at any time.
I was booking in my luggage at Auckland and said to the booking desk girl, "can you send one of my suitcases to Rome, one to Paris and one to Los Angeles please?"
"I'm sorry sir, I'm afraid we can't do that," she replied.
"Why not? You managed it last fucking year."
My neighbours bought their little boy a drum kit a week ago. I went round there to see him earlier. What a noise he makes!
You'd think he'd never had a drumstick shoved up his arse before!
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a 10 pence piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious- looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the money to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue Department"
My girlfriend said because she's a woman she's good at doing two things at the same time.
I said "Well then, why is a threesome out of the question?"
My cousin's a lazy bastard - sits around all day doing fuck all, drinking, surfing the internet for porn.
Jeez, I wish I had an office job too!
A biker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The biker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."
An Army friend of mine has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years. He recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook tea with the other, dust with one foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her arse. She's a swiss army wife.
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best Friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent. Cats don't listen. Cats don't come in when you call and cats like to stay out all night. When they are at home, cats like to be left alone to sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat...!
What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
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Originally Posted by Swoop
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