When is it too soon?

[Swoop]

I thought the Olympics had taken care of Coronation St.

[alanzs]

+1.

I won't YELL my response like alanzs just did, but this is very, very true.

Far too many women are completely limp and naive about this stuff, and wander through life letting complete arseholes make use of them because they don't realise that things can and should be better than that.

Hopefully Lonely_wolf will wise up and grow up in short order (without turning into a crass, up-herself bitch, which seems to be what happens when women over-react and err in the other direction).

"Self care" is a thought that comes to mind. First, take care of yourself Lonely. Even in airplanes they say how if there is a problem and you need the oxygen mask, put it on yourself first, then help those near you.

Its a long process that you'll work your whole life in doing. Its called growing and reaching your full potential. Its very cool, its what makes life so awesome. We aren't programmed for one thing, we have free will and can choose to change our selves and make ourselves whatever we want. Slowly, generally prompted by pain, change can occur. Now you know this. The rest is up to you.
Carry on....

[Lonely_wolf]

I do agree with those of you who have spoken about needing to sort myself out first. I know why this has happened and I think I know what I need to do to sort it out. The only problem is that it is something that keeps happening.

I have had some serious stuff (unspeakable) happen in the past which is why I keep ending up in abusive relationships (not physical but definitely mental). I seem to always start out just trying to have fun and then end up getting emotionally involved. I then have trouble ending things with the said person because I don't want to hurt their feelings, this allows them to get away with "murder".

It is something that I do need to sort out for myself and it is something that needs to be put forward in all my relationships to prevent anyone being in the dark about anything. I believe that trust comes from telling the truth and being open. No relationship is whole without trust, friendship or more.

[alanzs]

I do agree with those of you who have spoken about needing to sort myself out first. I know why this has happened and I think I know what I need to do to sort it out. The only problem is that it is something that keeps happening.

I have had some serious stuff (unspeakable) happen in the past which is why I keep ending up in abusive relationships (not physical but definitely mental). I seem to always start out just trying to have fun and then end up getting emotionally involved. I then have trouble ending things with the said person because I don't want to hurt their feelings, this allows them to get away with "murder".

It is something that I do need to sort out for myself and it is something that needs to be put forward in all my relationships to prevent anyone being in the dark about anything. I believe that trust comes from telling the truth and being open. No relationship is whole without trust, friendship or more.

It's because you are aware of yourself, you should consider getting some professional assistance, so that the unspeakable stuff that happened to you doesn't keep you leading a health full life. As you untangle the damage which has plagued you, you will keep from acting in the same way, again and again and again. If you don't do something to change you, nothing changes, in you.

You'll probably find out that the unspeakable stuff that has happened to you, has happened to many people and that with the proper assistance, you CAN go on to live a great life, free of the torments of your past.

I know about this, I truly do.

[Lonely_wolf]

I have been through counseling and most recently had a court session with the offender. These things have not helped at all. In fact, both have probably made matters worse!

[mstriumph]

and i don't think they be back until they create another account. But they not as smart as they think they are

good move - well done, Mods!

[mstriumph]

LOL, she or he is taking up the last 4 or so pages in pd

unfortunately, some of MY profound utterings have disappeared with it .... should i be crushed?

[MyGSXF:Me]

I do agree with those of you who have spoken about needing to sort myself out first. I know why this has happened and I think I know what I need to do to sort it out. The only problem is that it is something that keeps happening. I have had some serious stuff (unspeakable) happen in the past which is why I keep ending up in abusive relationships (not physical but definitely mental).

I would SERIOUSLY suggest you pay a visit to "SVS" (Stopping Violence Services). They run a VERY good Women's Education Course, which will provide you with life changing information!!!!!!! Nothing will change in your relationships until you change your own beliefs/thoughts/behaviour patterns.

I have been through counseling and most recently had a court session with the offender. These things have not helped at all. In fact, both have probably made matters worse!

You are entitled to change your councilor at any stage! You are not obliged to stick with the same one if you feel it is not working for you. SVS will also offer you 10 free sessions for free!! Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom & lay all your demons on the table, DEAL with them & HEAL them, before you can move forwards!

Rebounds do not work! & another partner cannot "heal" you. Only YOU can do that!

[rottiguy]

Morels are 100% subjective so just go with what you feel is right, if you "like" this other guy just tell him you have some shit to deal with first and then you can get on with getting on with it

This is kinda one for the girls but a guys point of view would be helpful also. I have posted this question on other sites and also asked all of my friends but us "crazy" speedfreaks seem to think different to "normal" people.

Long story short, I broke up with my partner about two weeks ago and want to know when it is morally ok to start dating again?

We knew each other for 10 months and have been serious for the latter 8 of those. He became really controlling and wanted to rule my life. He wouldn't even let me talk to other guys in the end! The day that I left him, he got really violent (I won't go into any details), and I ended up having to get the cops involved.

Now I know someone that I get on really well with, I feel more myself with this guy than anyone I have ever met before. I told this guy not so long ago that I just wanted to have a really good mate and nothing more. Ever since then, he has completely backed off saying that he wanted to wait for things to "cool down" before seeing me again.

So, what do I do? Any advice from anyone?

[idleidolidyll]

When is it too soon

thinking about this question a little more i'd have to say this:

bugger morals! go out and shag some lucky guy and get the ex out of your system

don't swap names or numbers at all and never see him again

you'll be a legend forever

[Number One]

unfortunately, some of MY profound utterings have disappeared with it .... should i be crushed?

Never fear many of us DID get to enjoy them

[alanzs]

I have been through counseling and most recently had a court session with the offender. These things have not helped at all. In fact, both have probably made matters worse!

There is no quick fix to problems that took years to develop. The good thing is that you are aware that you aren't who you want to be. Knowing there is a problem is a big step in taking care of it.

Kinda like a person that is really overweight. It didn't happen overnight and the changes won't either. But, with courage and a lot of determination, you can change.

If you took your bike to a mechanic and they didn't fix it to your specifications, you'd take it to another mechanic, true? Same with getting help for your emotions. Keep looking.

I have a coffee mug that has a great quote on it. Its from the Iron Butt competition, where you ride across the US (or other loong, loong distances) as fast as you can. It says "Never say die."

As you can see, I'm a bit of an optimist. Try it, you may like it.

[Jorja]

If you have to ask if it is too soon, it possibly is. Only you can answer that question.

If you are worried about what other people might think, don't.

The only advice I will give is when you have been in a relationship like you described, sometime it is easy to expect the new person in your life to react or treat you the same way. We become programmed to expect certain behaviour. Be patient, get to know him well first and deal with any left over effects from the last relationship first.

[jrandom]

I have had some serious stuff (unspeakable) happen in the past...

Ahhh. All becomes clear.

Girls with histories like yours should come with a full disclosure and a warning notice in bold letters, not to mention an entrance examination for any guy who's interested in you.

No disrespect intended. It's the truth.

Also - it's not unspeakable. Treating it as such is part of the problem. Childhood sexual abuse is horribly common and horribly under-reported.

I seem to always start out just trying to have fun and then end up getting emotionally involved. I then have trouble ending things with the said person because I don't want to hurt their feelings, this allows them to get away with "murder".

It's not your fault, m'dear. You're choosing the wrong guys - there's a particular sort of male out there who's good at pushing buttons that you shouldn't have, but do.

I think perhaps the soundest advice might be to ask yourself why you feel you need them at all. Self-sufficiency in life, both materially and emotionally, is a vital skill.

I fully retract my earlier remarks about just gettin' out there and havin' a shag. Dreadful advice in your case.

it is something that needs to be put forward in all my relationships to prevent anyone being in the dark about anything. I believe that trust comes from telling the truth and being open.

Bang on.

Also, re. counselling, I've seen it do great good, and I've seen it achieve nothing.

The difference is, as far as I've been able to tell, in the attitude of the victim. All 'counselling' or any other type of psych therapy is is a framework and an enabler for you to heal yourself in. (Not to mention that some counsellors are just downright useless, and it can take a while to find the right one to work with.)

If it's not time for that to happen yet, then maybe it's just not time. Maybe you need to grow a bit older first, who knows.

But, frankly, I have difficulty with the idea that you'll get any good out of being involved in sexual relationships with men at this stage in your life. Forgive me if that sounds judgmental. I don't know you; I'm only speaking from my own experience.

But all this 'new guy, old guy' stuff sounds to me like a complete red herring. I don't think you're likely to find anything positive with any of them. And I would seriously question the quality of your judgment in regards to whomever you're thinking of moving on to and your reasons for wanting him.

Solitude does not have to mean loneliness. Give it a try for a while. Focus on yourself.