MadBikeBoy's guide to social etiquette (the not list)

**madbikeboy** · 24th August 2008, 12:13

I love my partner, she's just perfect, but she can't help being related to a bunch of rich people. It was MadBikeBabe's (sorry Vifferman, blatant plagarism there) grandmother's 87th birthday yesterday, so off we toddled to the little soiree being held at a nice posh house - I had to meet my partner there, so I ended up bringing scoot.

I did all the right things for the correct impression, I made sure Scoot was nicely washed and polished, I wore a clean t-shirt with few swear words, I shaved, I even made sure that my AlpineStars jacket didn't have bug roadkill.

I think my first clue was when entering, the conversation stopped, and three guys who looked like an advert for Ralph Lauren made a beeline for me to ask me if I was in the right place...

So, I thought I'd put together a little guide for etiquette for making good impressions around rich assholes.

1. Finger food means your pinky finger needs to be extended, this is difficult when you put three or four items of food in your mouth at the same time, so practice first.

2. Being surrounded by bored rich housewives (and their hot daughters) tends to piss off all the gentlemen in the room. But the rich housewives can be of fun (after a few bottles of bubbly, the conversation turns into sexual inuendo about positions and riding).

3. Dress code is important. A suit and tie is essential apparently. A close second is a polo shirt with "slacks" by a noted gay designer like Ralph, Calvin, or maybe Hugo. I was fashionably dressed in jeans by Diesel, shoes and jacket by AlpineStars - it is important to fit in.

4. When talking to rich people about their Merc AMG, BMW M, or Lexus - don't using the words "useless" and "slow". It also seems that wheelstands are not high on the list of priorities for bluebloods, maybe they breed the balls out of rich people in the same way French people have no balls.

5. Rich people are too important to wipe their own asses, so they have garden hoses installed in their toilets to wash all those important little places. I'm convinced that it's some thinly vieled need for sexual contact for the housewives, there's no other explanation for the length of time it takes them to go potty... Oh, the advice bit - there is a button that says stop, it takes some looking for but it is there.

6. Leaving the party. It is important to thank the hosts, and smile to all the people you taked with. Visiting the food table immediately before leaving is considered rude, but taking a big assed doggie bag from the cute waitress is just fine if you organise it about 20 minutes before your escape. And it's important not to start up the scoot with the pipe facing a posh merc - when it's rich it leaves a bit of soot, and it'll be tough for the posh guy's valet to remove it. Also, it's not considered cool to wheelstand, or to sit housewives on the bike and rev it a bit. Ahem.

I hope you can make use of this little guide, I think my advice has worked a charm because I have been told not to visit again. Excellent.

MBB.

**chanceyy** · 24th August 2008, 12:20

.. thanks for that .. brilliant

your right ya girlfriend can not chose her family but sounds like she is pretty down to earth ..

**madbikeboy** · 24th August 2008, 12:23

She's from the "poor" part of the family, so she thinks it's full of tossers as well. She is very good at managing the whole social graces thing without being pretentious or talking in that posh tone of voice that must be taught at private schools.

Madbikebabe is definitely a keeper!

**rachprice** · 24th August 2008, 12:23

hahahaha poor you!
I hate pretentious rich people, nothing like thinking you're better than someone because you have more of something (not always by your own hard work either!)

**madbikeboy** · 24th August 2008, 12:28

Originally Posted by rachprice

hahahaha poor you!
I hate pretentious rich people, nothing like thinking you're better than someone because you have more of something (not always by your own hard work either!)

It seems ironic to me that the most pretentious ones are the ones who have married into money. Plus most of them lease their flash cars, or live on their credit cards. I own everything I have, and I've worked hard for it. When I'm an old guy, I'll still be happy to sit on the back deck and talk shit with my friends.

**SixPackBack** · 24th August 2008, 12:28

Originally Posted by madbikeboy

I love my partner, she's just perfect, but she can't help being related to a bunch of rich people. It was MadBikeBabe's (sorry Vifferman, blatant plagarism there) grandmother's 87th birthday yesterday, so off we toddled to the little soiree being held at a nice posh house - I had to meet my partner there, so I ended up bringing scoot.

I did all the right things for the correct impression, I made sure Scoot was nicely washed and polished, I wore a clean t-shirt with few swear words, I shaved, I even made sure that my AlpineStars jacket didn't have bug roadkill.

I think my first clue was when entering, the conversation stopped, and three guys who looked like an advert for Ralph Lauren made a beeline for me to ask me if I was in the right place...

So, I thought I'd put together a little guide for etiquette for making good impressions around rich assholes.

1. Finger food means your pinky finger needs to be extended, this is difficult when you put three or four items of food in your mouth at the same time, so practice first.

2. Being surrounded by bored rich housewives (and their hot daughters) tends to piss off all the gentlemen in the room. But the rich housewives can be of fun (after a few bottles of bubbly, the conversation turns into sexual inuendo about positions and riding).

3. Dress code is important. A suit and tie is essential apparently. A close second is a polo shirt with "slacks" by a noted gay designer like Ralph, Calvin, or maybe Hugo. I was fashionably dressed in jeans by Diesel, shoes and jacket by AlpineStars - it is important to fit in.

4. When talking to rich people about their Merc AMG, BMW M, or Lexus - don't using the words "useless" and "slow". It also seems that wheelstands are not high on the list of priorities for bluebloods, maybe they breed the balls out of rich people in the same way French people have no balls.

5. Rich people are too important to wipe their own asses, so they have garden hoses installed in their toilets to wash all those important little places. I'm convinced that it's some thinly vieled need for sexual contact for the housewives, there's no other explanation for the length of time it takes them to go potty... Oh, the advice bit - there is a button that says stop, it takes some looking for but it is there.

6. Leaving the party. It is important to thank the hosts, and smile to all the people you taked with. Visiting the food table immediately before leaving is considered rude, but taking a big assed doggie bag from the cute waitress is just fine if you organise it about 20 minutes before your escape. And it's important not to start up the scoot with the pipe facing a posh merc - when it's rich it leaves a bit of soot, and it'll be tough for the posh guy's valet to remove it. Also, it's not considered cool to wheelstand, or to sit housewives on the bike and rev it a bit. Ahem.

I hope you can make use of this little guide, I think my advice has worked a charm because I have been told not to visit again. Excellent.

MBB.

Top result madbikeboy. I assume the rejection of a return visit is a result of dirty sex in the basement with one [or perhaps several] of the snooty housewives.....

**PirateJafa** · 24th August 2008, 12:32

Originally Posted by SixPackBack

Top result madbikeboy. I assume the rejection of a return visit is a result of dirty sex in the basement with one [or perhaps several] of the snooty housewives.....

Nah, it's to buy the poncy males time to acquire several brand new Ducatis, and the matching Ducati leathers and Ducati helmets and Ducati caps and t-shirts.

**Ocean1** · 24th August 2008, 12:33

Originally Posted by rachprice

I hate pretentious rich people

Ohyez.

Almost as insufferably arrogant as all dem avaricious po' people.

**madbikeboy** · 24th August 2008, 12:39

Originally Posted by SixPackBack

Top result madbikeboy. I assume the rejection of a return visit is a result of dirty sex in the basement with one [or perhaps several] of the snooty housewives.....

With my partner cheering us on? Nope, wouldn't touch one of the housewives with yours...

**brendonjw** · 24th August 2008, 12:50

Rep given, a good read on a sunday morning

**SixPackBack** · 24th August 2008, 12:51

Originally Posted by madbikeboy

With my partner cheering us on? Nope, wouldn't touch one of the housewives with yours...

Wouldn't touch them with mine you say?....hmmm perhaps if I turned up in person said snooty slappers could get a peice of SPB......in person!

TXT me the address

**beyond** · 24th August 2008, 13:25

Thanks for the funny read mate.

Reckon I might just fit in by the sound of it. Mind you, riding a naked means a few more bugs than they would like to see while fingering their auderves.

**Swoop** · 24th August 2008, 14:51

Love your work, mate!

Originally Posted by madbikeboy

I even made sure that my AlpineStars jacket didn't have bug roadkill.

There is the problem... you didn't iron your leathers and get a knife-edge crease on the seams!

Originally Posted by madbikeboy

5. Rich people are too important to wipe their own asses, so they have garden hoses installed in their toilets to wash all those important little places.

Is that what they are for? I thought it was some weird drinking fountain.

Fuck. Where is the Listerine?

**ynot slow** · 24th August 2008, 15:26

Hey really the reason for finger food is that they(arrogant wankers)have no room for food because their tongues are so far up their mates arsehole their tongue is around the tonsills.