The talking duck

[Swoop]

The Talking duck
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .














"Why the f**k would they want a plasterer??!"

[gunnyrob]

Bwahahahahaha!

[CB ARGH]

omg

10 chars

[EJK]

Hahaha...haha....ha... I... don't get it

Edit: Oooohhh!!....

[Bren]

That one was too good!!!! way too good!

[KiwiRat]

Mwah hah hah hah hah hah hah.

2 thumbs up.

[devo]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,


"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.


"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"


Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.


"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub... What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck.


"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him


"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous,"


says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.


"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,


"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"


Says the duck.


"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"


Says the barman.

"The circus?"


Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"


Replies the barman.

"The circus?"


The duck asks again.




with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
> .

> .


> .

> .

> .




"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"









--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Usarka]

Nice.

On the duck theme, and oldie but a goodie:

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating piece of shit duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[FJRider]

Duck walks into a bar ... orders aq beer.

Barman pours a beer.

Duck drinks the beer.

Barman asks ... how you going to pay for the beer.

Duck says ... put it on my bill .......

[Mully]

Alright, on ducks.

Small town country boy lives with his dad on their farm.
Farmer decides it's time for his son to learn about the birds and the bees, but they've got no money.
He gives the boy a duck and tells him to bargain with a "lady of the night" to accept the duck as payment.
Hooker feels sorry for him so agrees.
Afterwards, she says "Hey, that was really good. Let's go again and you can keep your duck"
Kid agrees and they go again.
Walking home, the boy wonders what he's going to do with the duck. Just then a car beeps going past him. The duck flies out of his arms and under the wheels of the car.
Driver gets out and says "Sorry about yout duck mate, I'll give you $20 to cover it".
Boy gets home, and the famer asks "How'd it go?"
Boy says "Great. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and twenty bucks for a fucked up duck"

[Smifffy]

A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver, informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he doesn't know what to do with them anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.

The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck barreling down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!"

"I did," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"

[Smifffy]

So, this guy has a pet duck and he goes to the movie theater to see a movie and brings his duck with him. He goes to the ticket window and says to the lady, "I'd like two tickets, one for me, and one for my duck."

The lady says, "I can't give your duck a ticket."

The man says, "What gives? This is my pet duck. I take him everywhere."

The lady says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you cannot bring that animal inside the theater."

The man says fine and walks around the back of the theater, unzips his pants, sticks the duck in there, zips up, goes back around front and buys one ticket.

He sits down to watch the movie next to some old ladies. He unzips his pants and the duck sticks his head out to get a little air.

The old lady next to him turns to her friend and whispers, "Hey Mabel, there's a pervert sitting next to me. He's got his thing out."

Mabel whispers back, "Just enjoy it dear. At our age we don't get to see many of those anymore."

She whispers back, "But I'm nervous. This one's different."

Mabel answers, "Oh really? What's so different about it?"

"It's eating my popcorn!"