Finances in marriage meltdown

[Chickadee]

I have avoided getting too personal here and revealing details from my marriage. JRandom, there is no mystery man waiting to fill my boots or my missus come to that, we just can't stand each other anymore. I suppose that we have grown apart and now that both of us realise it's too late to do anything about. We have tried, but it's just made things worse. She has agreed to counselling, but to deal with the seperation not the issues that we have - oh well it's something. House will have to go on the market (fuck I might get a new bike out of this) and frankly it's over. She doesn't want to try, sticking to her way of life being the only way and thus leaving a 5yr old, 4yr old and 15month old without a full-time father. I must be a real shit!!!

Bytor having met you and your family I can say you're not a real shit, things obviously just aren't working out for either of you and she obviously feels it's time to call it a day (no point flogging a dead horse). Hope counselling to manage through and getting things sorted goes well. You're a great guy, and the fact you care so much for your kids means you'll always be a great Dad. It's better to have two parent's divourced/separated putting their kids first than having a hostile environment for parents and kids to exist in. Good luck with selling the house and sorting out parenting the kids.

Best wishes and hugs! Shame we're not around the block anymore for a cuppa, wish we could do more than PMs! I

[jrandom]

She doesn't want to try, sticking to her way of life being the only way and thus leaving a 5yr old, 4yr old and 15month old without a full-time father. I must be a real shit!!!

A real shit? Nonsense. Don't let it get to you. Anyway, even if you are, a little bit, it beats the hell out of being a doormat.



You'll be right as rain in a couple of years, and no kids were ever done any good by being stuck in a house with two parents who hated each other's guts. They'll be fine.

Regarding the indignant railing from various corners against my cynical comments about how these situations often go, I note that the need to see life through rose-coloured lenses, for... whatever reason, can sometimes be just as powerful as the disillusionment that results from unpleasant experiences.

Just a thought.



However, if your situation is relatively sane and civilised, Bytor, I'm pleased for you.

[Mom]

I probably had the least amicable end to my marraige possible. My ex lost the plot in a big way and things were really grim for all of us for a year or so until he steadied a bit. We all took advantage of court ordered counselling in an attempt to understand what was happening.

I was very concerned for the childrens emotional health, some of the things they heard and saw at Dads place were not good at all! I was reassured by the psychologist they were seeing that as long as one parent remained level in the breakup the kids would be fine. She reassured me that in fact the greatest emotional damage done to kids is when their parents remain together attempting to keep things going.


My kids are older now, they were 14, 12 and 9 when we split nearly 8 years ago, I can talk to them as adults now. We have had some really cool conversations on their recall of those times (not that we do that very often, we have all moved on) they all agree that the best thing that could have happened was for the marraige to end, they remember the shit that went down at the time, but the things that really stick in their minds were the things at home that led up to the end.

No point in prolonging the enevitable for anyone. There is no good time in a childs life for it to happen. If it is over, end it.

[jrandom]

Winston001 has good advice to offer and he seems, in my opinion, to have the most relevant experience to offer this advice.

Don't be silly, dude! As he himself pointed out, he's just a lawyer following a prescribed script, which he gets into trouble if he deviates from. Solicitors are not professional counsellors (in the sense that we're talking about here). With all due respect to Winston001, his experience relates to the law, not to the human psyche.

I direct your attention to the comments Mom records above from her psychologist at the time of her divorce.

wonder whether there's any point in even trying...

Of course there is!

50% of marriages may fail, but that still leaves the 50% that succeed.

Plenty of research has shown that married people are, on average, healthier and happier.

I, for one, have no intention of growing old alone.

Cynicism and hopelessness are two very different things.

[Winston001]

Don't be silly, dude! As he himself pointed out, he's just a lawyer following a prescribed script, which he gets into trouble if he deviates from. Solicitors are not professional counsellors (in the sense that we're talking about here). With all due respect to Winston001, his experience relates to the law, not to the human psyche.

It isn't possible to competently deal with family law issues without learning some aspects of psychology and counselling. It goes with the job.

The mistake people outside a separation make in these situations is thinking it is about money. About power and control. About winning a war. It can feel like that for the couple involved if one of them is out for revenge etc, but ultimately it isn't.

At the heart of the matter, it is about damaged relationships. Couples don't get together to share resources - you might as well go flatting. They have an emotional commitment and when one or both break that commitment, there is a lot of pain involved. Betrayal, loss of face, humiliation, frustration, anger......sadness.

So the key to a successful separation is for each person to retain their own dignity, and respect the other person. Damned hard, nearly impossible where there has been an affair, but it does happen. That is where counselling is invaluable - understanding yourself and the other person.

A home filled with tension is no good for anyone and some time apart at the very least can be wise. But if there is still affection for each other, what's wrong with trying to figure a way through the problems. In this case three young children may be glad of that.

[McJim]

Don't be silly, dude! As he himself pointed out, he's just a lawyer following a prescribed script, which he gets into trouble if he deviates from. Solicitors are not professional counsellors (in the sense that we're talking about here). With all due respect to Winston001, his experience relates to the law, not to the human psyche.

As a human being he has a wealth of experience upon which to draw as well as years of studying law!

I stand by by comments for my own reasons which I have no intention of divulging.

Bytor - come and have a holiday down here. Bring the kids - we can put you and your missus up at opposite ends of the house if you like. Get out of Auckland and discover New Zealand - all of you.

[kevfromcoro]

well...............thats it.............
just dropped my one of at the airport,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
thank fuck....................... one way ticket back to thailand.................................
never felt beter in my life......................................

[jrandom]

well...............thats it.............
just dropped my one of at the airport,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
thank fuck....................... one way ticket back to thailand.................................
never felt beter in my life......................................

Good lord, man, you go through LBFMs like I go through tasty meat pies.

[stify]

Good lord, man, you go through LBFMs like I go through tasty meat pies.

mmmmmm pies.....i like pies

oh an make sure all lines of credit are well cancelled(this is most important)...and anything ya signed has a note re the date of the financial split....the funniest things come back to remind ya of the past in an expensive an non repayable kinda way!!(an i got the reciepts to prove it)