Apparently, when OJ Simpson comes out of prison, the buffalo bills have offered him a new job, given his experience of being a wide receiver whilst inside.
I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.
Obviously, I can't afford her but I thought it would be a cheap night for you.
My wife died yesterday. She was involved in a car crash.
It wasn't the impact that killed her. Neither was it the windscreen that she hit at 30mph. And when she hit the screen her internal organs kept going until they hit her rib cage. Amazingly, this didn't kill her either. What killed her was the bullet I fired into the car seconds before she crashed. The lying, cheating bitch.
Six retired blokes are playing poker at George's house when Burt loses $1000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
George asks, "Who's going to go and tell his wife?"
They cut the pack, lowest card loses. Harry draws a two and loses. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, and not to make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet - discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me," he says.
He goes over to Burt's house and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Harry answers, "Your husband just lost $1000 and is afraid to come home. He's has asked me to come and apologise."
"You tell him I said drop dead!" says the wife.
"Ok, I'll go tell him," says Harry.
When Barack Obama was performing his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.
I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.
I'm getting quite concerned about what my kids are hearing in the playground.
This morning I caught my daughter imitating sex acts with her Barbie and Ken dolls.
I told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that."
She replied, "Don't worry, Dad. He's doing her up the shitter!"
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
I met a fourteen-year-old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, sexy and flirty, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?
I tried mugging an old aged pensioner yesterday.
I said, "Give me all your money now, bitch, or you're geography."
"Don't you mean history?" she replied.
I said, "Don't try to change the subject!"
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