Families at Christmas, Who'd have 'em...

[Fatt Max]

Yes, it’s that time of year when families all over the world come together to celebrate the Christmas season.

It’s a time for happiness, good will and the giving and receiving of gifts.

However, it can also be the time of year when there are more punch ups than all the Rocky films put together, people getting caught ‘playing away’ and the odd “Opps, I’ve followed through’ moment.

So, anyone got any good dysfunctional family Christmas stories to spread…?

For instance, in my lot Christmas has meant..

1. Uncle Robert admitting he was gay (it’s now Bob’s yer auntie in my family)
2. Cousin Stephen knocking the shit out of cousin Jimmy because he found out that he was shagging cousin Jean who admitted to shagging cousin Paul the Christmas before
3. Nephew Brian (7 and ¾ years old) thinking it would be great fun to stick the family cat in the oven “to see if it tasted like turkey”
4. My eldest brother who caused a huge fight after substituting all the insides of the Christmas crackers with condoms and pornographic playing cards. Both grannies were NOT impressed.

So, over to you my lovelies…..

[wbks]

Insest is ripe in your bloodline, huh?

[fire eyes]

hahahaha Maxx ..

Uncle M - Modern Day Maori Revolutionist, aiming to free all maori land from the hands of government inbetween having his antipsychotic meds & eating Ham.

Uncle P - who wears his shorts over his pants and shopping bags for socks, barely knows what day of it, wouldnt even turn up for xmas day if one of us doesnt go down and bang on his door and tell him to get into car, thankfully his always forgets to bring his bottle of whiskey.

Cousin J - who one year xmas morning went to get eggs from the local dairy and no one saw him for 3 years. Did a runner, his kids were really impressed.

Cousins R,T & T - all sisters who are completely jelous of each other and think theyr always right!

Love my family.

[wbks]

I don't think anyone really has a "normal" family these days... We've always had pretty shitt times of year around christmas for the last few years. Not really funny stories. Nothing like the cracker storie anyway... Elaborate on that one!

[Fatt Max]

I don't think anyone really has a "normal" family these days... We've always had pretty shitt times of year around christmas for the last few years. Not really funny stories. Nothing like the cracker storie anyway... Elaborate on that one!

Basically, my brother painstaikingly unwrapped all the crackers, took out the toys, hats and jokes etc and replaced them with condoms and a playing card from a pack of those porno playing cards. He then twisted the crackers back together and put them back in the box.

So, dinner is over and out come the crackers. The first one to pull was my mum and granny. ...CRACK...goes the cracker and an unwrapped condom flys out and lands on grans head. The dirty card drops into her trifle and she is looking at two chicks playing "Who Wants To Be The Rug Doctor?'. Almost immediatley my uncle cracked one with my cousin and another johnny went spilling across the table and the card landed in front of my cousin (who, by the way was only 6 at the time).

The card displays a graphic scene where a rather large african man is having his trouser snake attened to by two naked blonde ladies. My cousin holds it up and says "Dad, why are those women eating that man?" just as my gran lets out a huge shriek of shock (the last time she had a johnny so close to her face was down a tube station in the blitz).

My brother (who is steaming drunk by now) is fair pissing himself. Uncle and dad lay into him, I try and intervene and get a smack from another uncle, mum gets stuck in, the kids start screaming and gran physically shits herself with the shock.

So, after rapidly turning to La Grande Merd the party breaks up and that was that. Great fight....but granny did smell a bit...

That was Christmas 1991 I think. Bruv has never been allowed near the crackers again....

A1 entertainment for all the family...

[portokiwi]

I have christmas day off this year. first time in about 5-6 years.
This year we are going to have just the 3 of us ay home.
Should be strange lol.
My kids fly up boxing day for a month. Cant wait for that.
Lots of fun. for Gabby as I will be back at work again lol

[wbks]

haahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahah

hahahaha

hah
ahahahahahahhahahah I can just imagine that... Thats pretty fugin creative on your cousins part!

[Fatt Max]

hahahaha Maxx ..

Uncle M - Modern Day Maori Revolutionist, aiming to free all maori land from the hands of government inbetween having his antipsychotic meds & eating Ham.

Uncle P - who wears his shorts over his pants and shopping bags for socks, barely knows what day of it, wouldnt even turn up for xmas day if one of us doesnt go down and bang on his door and tell him to get into car, thankfully his always forgets to bring his bottle of whiskey.

Cousin J - who one year xmas morning went to get eggs from the local dairy and no one saw him for 3 years. Did a runner, his kids were really impressed.

Cousins R,T & T - all sisters who are completely jelous of each other and think theyr always right!

Love my family.

Jeez, sounds great. Where's my invite mate?

[Str8 Jacket]

Ha, Xmas is much easier when you dont talk to your family! I love Xmas day, how can you not love the day before Boxing Day Races!!

[vifferman]

I think my best Xmas was two years ago; my family missed me so my younger sister txtd me:
"Where are you?"
> "I'm right here"
"Where is HERE?"
> "Where I am".
"And where is that?"
> "In the airport lounge at LAX"
"Coming or going?"
> "Well, we're leaving from here soon, so I guess that means we're going somewhere...."

Yup, we escaped to San Francisco, Yosemite, and Los Angeles - completely avoided all the Xmas nonsense. No presents, no Xmas dinner (had an omelette in a French jazz cafe near Union Square).

This year, we decided (last Friday!) on a repeat performance, but this time we're leaving the Mutant Spawn behind. Sadly, we get to have two (2!) Xmases (one before we leave, and one when we arrive), due to that weird dateline/timewarp thingo...

Damned spoilsport vifferbabe made me phone my sister and mum and let them know we were going...

[Big Dave]

I just smile and be nice because it means a lot to my wife.

[Beemer]

My two sisters and brother stopped speaking to me when mum died last year and to be honest, I'm rapt! My brother drinks like a fish and gets all stupid and irritating, both sisters moan constantly about which one got the best presents and none of us really liked each other! Now there is no pretence - we don't see or hear from them and we don't miss them either!

This year we're having five Canadians here for the day instead - my husband's brother and his family are taking part in a firefighters exchange visit to Canada so we've invited the family living in his house. God knows it's got to be better than family!

[Oakie]

Well there was that Xmas when Mrs Oakie eventually went ballistic over her younger sister 'accidentally' repeatedly bending over in her short skirt with g-string showing me and my brother in law what she had. (Fortunately I have been able to un-see it with the passing of time). A very icy few hours were spent between the 3 sisters and their mother while us boys generally stayed as far away as we could.
Did result in a great bonk in the bathroom mid-afternoon though as a sympathetic cuddle for Mrs Oakie turned crazy...

[dipshit]

Thankfully i have to work over Christmas!

[Mom]

One of my funniest Christmas days was a few years ago. My then husband had a large family, with the mother from hell who insisted on a big family gathering. We used to all take turns. Fortunately it was not "my" turn to host.

My ex mother-in-law was a HUGE female. The amount of food prepared each year was obscene in the extreme, so fridge space was limited. Chickens were cooked the day before and put in gravey to be reheated on the day

Chicken is out of fridge making room for who knows what, obviously too long as they were rotton and foul smelling when reheated

We sit M_I_L in behind the table, and as we are all taking our seats, she simply disappeared from sight her chair collapsed under the weight, I can not make eye contact with anyone, while she is picked up and a reinforced chair provided.

Settled once again, we call the kids inside, one of them comes in to say the driveway was flooded, yes indeed the toilet had backed up and all sorts of "things" were floating by the back door, so no toilet operating and a houseful of people. Brother in law was dark as.

Finally sitting down to eat, father-in-law breaks out 2 front teeth off his plate annoying hell out of the dragon. We eat, send the kids out to play, my eldest takes a cricket ball in the teeth and removes a couple of her teeth, brother-in-law is on the phone yelling at a plumber, mother-in-law is yelling at hubby for breaking his teeth, my child is crying and bleeding.

Sister-in-law opens another bottle of bubbly and the pair of us sat out on the front steps laughing like hell (we could not leave anyway as the mess was so disgusting out there, the boys were "cleaning it up"