Know any good lawyer jokes?

**Badjelly** · 28th January 2009, 10:40

For reasons I would prefer not to divulge, I am in need of a few pithy and witty lawyer jokes, suitable for being delivered by someone who is not very good at telling jokes at a social occasion where quite a few of the guests are drunk. (In other words, must be short, but don't have to be good.)

Sure, I could Google it, but I'm sure the combined resources of KB can deliver me higher-quality results.

PS: jokes pertaining to the situation where one lawyer marries another would be particularly appreciated.

**Virago** · 28th January 2009, 10:51

Search the Jokes and Humour forum for "lawyer", you'll find a few.

**Hitcher** · 28th January 2009, 12:04

"Good" lawyer? Now that's funny.

It was that cold in Wellington yesterday I noticed, when I went out for my lunchtime walk, that all of the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets.

**Oscar** · 28th January 2009, 12:06

Whaddya call a dead lawyer?

A start...

**Oscar** · 28th January 2009, 12:07

Why don't sharks bite lawyers?

Professional courtesy...

**Goblin** · 28th January 2009, 12:31

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...t=Lawyer+Jokes

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...ad.php?t=34362

**Badjelly** · 28th January 2009, 13:45

Originally Posted by Hitcher

"Good" lawyer? Now that's funny.

Good-lawyer jokes, bad-lawyer jokes, either would be fine, just so long as they're good lawyer jokes.

Originally Posted by Hitcher

It was that cold in Wellington yesterday I noticed, when I went out for my lunchtime walk, that all of the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets..

**Winston001** · 28th January 2009, 14:16

Unfortunately I think you'll just have to look for some other subject - like blind Polish plumbers. There are no lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't understand them - and other people think they are true stories......

**Swoop** · 28th January 2009, 14:25

The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and I want to have anal sex with your 14 year old daughter."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

Three surgeons are washing up in the Surgeons' Lounge one evening, when they start discussing their favourite patients.

The first surgeon says, "I like operating on Germans." The others ask why. He says, "They're wonderful... You open them up, and everything is exactly as in the schematic. There's no guess work."

The second says he enjoys operating on Japanese. The others ask why. "You open them up, and everything is colour coded. It's that simple."

The third says he enjoys operating on lawyers. The others ask why. "It's amazing -- you open them up and find only two moving parts: a mouth an an asshole... and they're interchangeable!"

What happened when the lawyer took Viagra?
He grew taller.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.

I told this girl I met last night that I'm a lawyer.
Well, I do have three court cases coming up next week.

**Drunken Monkey** · 28th January 2009, 14:33

Did you hear the one about the clumsy female lawyer?

She dropped her briefs!

**MsKABC** · 28th January 2009, 15:44

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be."

"Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."

"Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."

"Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it."

"Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it."

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it."

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!"

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

**MsKABC** · 28th January 2009, 15:46

Why does the bar prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

**nadroj** · 28th January 2009, 16:33

Try http://www.amazingjokes.com/

**Fatt Max** · 28th January 2009, 18:49

Imagine the scene, it's D Day and the allied forces are mobbed up on the beaches in France.

The officers decide to put the lawyers up the front.

Why the lawyers? asked the enlisted men

Because when we say 'Charge' we know they will......

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of sick?
The bucket