Tuesday jokes thread!

[Swoop]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil!


I think testing cosmetics on animals is wrong.
Even if my dog does look fucking hot with lipstick on…


I took a taxi home from the pub last night.
The wife went fucking mental and made me take it back.


I went to the doctor and asked if he could give me something for persistent wind.
He gave me a kite.


My father in law handed me a note on my wedding day saying, "Goods delivered are non-returnable."
I handed it back and said, "Contract void if seal is broken."


My wife was in the bathroom covering her face in cream. I asked her what she was doing and she said, "Just trying to make myself beautiful."
A couple of minutes later I saw her wiping it off. "Giving up already?" I asked.


After three years of marriage, me and the wife had our first real fight last night.
I called my dad for advice on how to fix things.
He told me to apologise and admit I was wrong.
I was really looking for advice on how to dispose of the body.


Two weeks ago I got my drivers license taken off me. Then last night I got stopped by the police and they asked to see my license.
I wish the pricks would make up their mind!


If you find you can keep your head whilst others around you are losing theirs, you may want to land your helicopter somewhere else.


Sex is just like a game of snooker.
If you want to sink the pink but the red is in the way, you've got to go for the brown.


Barack Obama claims to be half white and half black.
Why is he not stripy like a zebra then?


When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.


I quit my gym this morning because one of the instructors started shouting at me,
"Come on man, you've got to want it! Come on push. You can do it."
I hate being disturbed when I'm having a shit!


I called our local Paranoia Society today.
The guy who answered the phone said, “How the fuck did you get this number?"


My wife always claims that women are smarter than men.
Bollocks. When have you ever seen a man with a shirt that buttons up the back?


The Queen and the Pope are on stage together a huge charity event. Obviously, they've both done this sort of things many times before, so to make it a little bit more interesting the Queen says to the Pope, "How about a wager? I bet I can make every British person in this crowd go wild with just one little wave of my hand."
The Pope agrees and the Queen waves her hand. Sure enough, the Royal wave elicits rapturous applause and cheering from all the Brits in the crowd.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock than him, says to the Queen, "That was impressive. How about another wager? I bet I can make every Irish person in this crowd go crazy with a nod of my head. But it won't just last for a minute. This joy will last for months and be talked about for years."
The Queen is sceptical. "One nod of your head? Show me."
So the Pope head-butts her.


My psychiatrist has said I am an apathetic psychopath.
I would kill him, but I can't be bothered.


Is it possible the Koran had a typo and what they actually get is a 72 year old virgin?


My wife's been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out though.


I ran downstairs when I heard my gran screaming. She was kneeling on the floor clutching her chest. I thought she was having a heart attack or something.
Turns out she was just kneeling on her tits.


It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me, I had no idea he was Catholic.


I got into a fight last night and the guy pulled a razor out.
He would have used it too, if he'd found somewhere to plug it in.


I went down to the local Brothel after work.
They had a sign on the door saying, "Beat it - we're shut."


Women: what do you call a magic wand that can make a man disappear?
A home pregnancy test.


I organised for Stephen Hawking to give a lecture at my College.
He turned up ten minutes late and then talked for twenty minutes longer than planned.
He doesn't seem to have any concept of time.


I went into town this morning because I heard there was going to be a lesbian demonstration outside the town hall.
It was shit. It was just fat ugly women with banners.


My wife wants to start taking driving lessons.
I'm not going to stand in her way.


Last night I called my wife a lazy fat bitch.
I've not seen her since.
The doctors say my blindness is common with blunt trauma injury, but should improve.


I was at my brother's side the night he died.
I remember his last words to me: "I won't dip my headlights until they do."


What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

And what do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?
Someone who knocks on your door and tells YOU to fuck off.


My wife has a black belt in cookery.
She can kill with one chop.


My mate's new Green Party girlfriend is a big nature lover.
Pretty fucking generous considering what nature's done for her.


Being married is like being in the witness protection scheme.
You get new clothes, a new home, a new hair cut and you're not allowed to see your old mates any more.


I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when an airport employee asked, "has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "if it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and added, "that's why we ask, sir."


I was studying myself in the mirror the other day.
My wife came in and said, "don't worry, love, they're just laughter lines."
I didn't think my bollocks were that funny.


Camilla bought Prince Charles a bookmark for his birthday.
It's to stop him bending the pages over.


If walking is supposed to be so good for you, why does my postman look like Jabba the Hut?

[Swoop]

A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."





Viagra and Prozac have just launched a new drug together.
Apparently, if you don't get a fuck, you won't give a fuck.

[Mully]

What's with the Tuesday jokes on a Monday??

[LBD]

What's with the Tuesday jokes on a Monday??

Started yesterday...Sunday

A Kiwi bloke, Aussie bloke, an old maid and an attractive lass were sharing the same compartment on train journey. When the train went into a dark tunnel there was a loud SMACK! and when the train came into the daylight again, the Aussie bloke was holding the side of his face with a large red welt developing.

The Old Maid was thinking, cheeky Aussie, must have tried to grope the young lass who took exception and smacked him one.

The Young Lass was thinking, that cheeky Aussie must have tried to grope me but got the Old Maid by mistake and she smacked him one, good on her.

The Aussie Bloke is thinking, That damn Kiwi, must have had a Grope at the young Lass who thought it was me so she smacked me one.

The Kiwi bloke is thinking...Can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack the Aussie again....

[Swoop]

What's with the Tuesday jokes on a Monday??

It's a tradition thing... I'm going for a Treaty of Waitangey claim later this year.
It was posted up on a Sunday anyway.

[Disco Dan]

I saw a dog humping a cabbage in the garden.... perhaps he thought it was a collie.

[paturoa]

Worst Pick Up Lines:

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

...I was thought it was only another 10 beers away??

Nice legs...what time do they open?

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

[peasea]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a

stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet

he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Dave: - Scuse me, no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er mmm well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself,
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually Active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive, thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker!

[LBD]

A duck wlks into a bar, climbs up on a stool and orders a drink...the bartender tells him to get out...We dont serve ducks in here, and so he leaves.

Next day the duck does the same again with the same response and again leaves

Third day exactly the same but this time the bartender say this is the third time I have told you..if you try it again I will nail your bill to the counter.

Fourth day the duck climbs up on the stool and say to the bar tender....Got any nails? no was the answer, good I have a drink then.

[paturoa]

It must stil be Tuesday somewhere on earth....

Q ... What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Vaccum Cleaner?

A ... The location of the dirt bag

[LBD]

Okay, that duck joke did not work, lets try this one...

Duck walks into a bar climbs up on the stool and orders a drink, and the bartender gladly obliges. When he comes back with the drink and has placed it down reaches out to shake hands and introduces him self as Bob. The duck says gidday Bob, I'm Heuy...
How was yer day Heuy?
Not Bad, raining which is always good, in and out of puddles all day....

A second duck walks in the bar and same scenario, orders a drink and introduces him self as Dewy.
How was your day Dewy? Dewy replied..."I've been havin fun in the rain, in and out of puddles all day..."

Third duck walks in the bar and climbs up on the stool and orders a drink. When the bar tender comes back he introduces himself and says "You must be Lewy, how was your day..."

The duck replied...My name is not Lewy its Puddles and I have had a shit of a day....

[Swoop]

The Age Gap

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

PS. Have I posted this already??