Spending time apart: how much is appropriate?

[Xaria]

I Canged jobs from having Friday - Saturday off to having Saturday - Sunday off. The hardest thing for me was not having my one day all to myself.

[Hawkeye]

This is the reverse of that situation. She spends all day dealing with customers yet still goes out regularly with girlfriends during weeknights and sometimes both days on the weekend. Adding to this, a weekend getaway with a girlfriend would happen at least twice a month.

So who is the other man?

[MotoGirl]

So who is the other man?

Are you joking or do think it's a serious possibility. I have my own opinion but I want yours!

[ManDownUnder]

And if they don't "prefer being together" because every weekend is spent apart, what does that say about the relationship?

On the face of it - very little. It all depends on WHY they are apart. Everyone needs alone time balanced off with couple time, or couple time balanced off with alone time. When one, other or both feel a lack of one of those needs being met then there's a problem. To prescribe the right amount is like prescribing the best bike for everyone.

Needs are different, one size does not fit all.

This is the reverse of that situation. She spends all day dealing with customers yet still goes out regularly with girlfriends during weeknights and sometimes both days on the weekend. Adding to this, a weekend getaway with a girlfriend would happen at least twice a month.

Which might be an extrovert satisfying her social needs, or someone avoiding her significant other for whatever reason. Only she will know that. From the info presented here I don't think there's a reasonable way to form a valid opinion on the matter

[Swoop]

Nah, I'm pretty good at it.

I am quite sure that there is an entire thesis waiting to be written, on supermarket shoppers and shopping.

I have developed an appreciation as to why concealed handguns are not permitted in NZ...
If females can multi-task, why can't they park a fucking shopping trolley in a position that DOSEN'T block the aisle?
/rant.

[CookMySock]

She needs to be assured that him going away for the weekend does not mean he doesn't love her. And she needs to accept that he needs time on his own.

No. Sorry. She needs to unconditionally believe that he DOES love her, completely forget about any idea to the contrary. It is not reasonable or fair for him to offer his undue amounts of continual reassurance that he loves her, when she uses "evidence" like this question his commitment. This is her insecurity at play, and it will damage the relationship if she does not keep it in check.

The reverse also applies - He must accept, that large amounts of time spent with with her, do not compromise his independence or his freedom.

The ONLY path to growth is US getting past OUR fears and insecurities - not us getting what we want from others.

Are you joking or do think it's [another man] a serious possibility. I have my own opinion but I want yours!

Please don't even hint at that. You might be right or you might be wrong, but either way there is a massive amount of pain to be had there. No matter how tempted you are, please don't do it.

Steve

[Skyryder]

I have always found the longer time apart the better the re-union.


Skyryder

[awayatc]

Done a few 3 month trips away....
But am every year at least 6 months away....
Cellphone and Iridium phones now mean you can talk anytime anywhere.....
Not to long ago away meant no phone .. nothing.
Am older now so do cushy 4 week trips away only....
and then 4 weeks off...
Wouldn't have it any other way.

[owner]

I spent 4 months away from Bikern1mpho. But we talked everyday and night
My point is you can be away from someone and still be in touch.

Im off to auckland for a week now. I hope she rings me

[klingon]

... It is not reasonable or fair for him to offer his undue amounts of continual reassurance that he loves her, when she uses "evidence" like this question his commitment. This is her insecurity at play, and it will damage the relationship if she does not keep it in check.

I totally agree and was certainly not suggesting that he should offer "undue amounts of continual reassurance." Just that they should sit down and talk about it and find out where the problem is. I suspect the problem lies with her interpreting his absence as rejection - exactly the insecurity you refer to.

[slofox]

Partner and I have what might be called a stable relationship in that it has lasted ten years so far. But we do not live together and never have. We live at opposite ends of the city. (Be nicer to live closer actually). I think if we lived together we would not last - we both like our own space and are both fiercely independent. BUT - we dance together so spend a lot of hours together in practice halls or having lessons or at competitions or travelling to places to compete. For us the dance thing is important although having said that, we did have four years off the floor and still managed to stay together. We talk daily and in are fact quite closely bound together. But we don't have to be physically together all the time for the relationship to stay strong.
Not all relationships are the same. There ain't no "one size fits all...."

[Burtha]

As per most, different strokes for different folks.

Hubz and I have been together for over 15 years.
Sure, we can drive each other nuts at times but once we had to spend the most of 7 weeks apart once and we HATED it (when moving country & jobs finished at differing times).
We are too much in love and too close as best friends to not be around each other doing stuff all the time.

Its all based on the love / friends ratio.
You can love someone with all your heart and still only need a little amount of time to be completely happy & content with them.
We have just worked out that we love doing almost everything together and what we don't, we compromise / plan out individually or whatever ie; when I go on a ride with the ladies he watches sports! .

Hope the chat went well.

[LittleJohn]

It's not how long or often you are away its what you do when you are together that makes or breaks a relationship.

I'm in the military and spend months at a time away, every year. During these times away I cannot ring you e-mail everyday, sometimes once a week is all you get. That is a fact of my job and a way of life that we both live with. Wouldn't have it any other way but it is hard on our kids.

When I'm here we spend a lot of time together (not every minute of every day). We try and do things as a family and have very similar hobbies which is good. In saying that a day at home could be me in the garage and the missus doing something in the house all day, so although we are at the same place we are not "together".

We do however have a very strong relationship, good communication and a desire to be with each other. I believe that people blame a failed relationship on things like not spending time together when it isn't that at all but the desire to be together no matter what.

[Oakie]

We've probably had no more than 5 nights apart in the last 6 years.

We don't really have individual circles of friends though so the only thing that sees us apart is when wifey goes visiting her mum by herself.

[MotoGirl]

I had a chat with one half of the relationship and was told that the woman apparently goes away because the stress at home is too much for her to bear. (The person I spoke to is the one causing her the stress.)

People handle stressful situations in different ways but I struggle to understand why anyone would remain in the relationship if the partner is causing that much strain that you can't be around him.

This "getting away from it all" has been happening since they first met so it's not like they were madly in love before the stress began. She chose to get involved with him knowing he had a problem that wasn't resolved.