Spending time apart: how much is appropriate?

[Hoon]

Marrried 3 years. I spend on average one weekend a month away from my wife. On top of that the occasional trip or course may see me disappear for 2-3 weeks maybe once/twice a year. The longest we spent apart was 4 months when I was overseas. In fact during our first year of marriage I think I was absent for over half of it.

The wife doesn't like me going away but I love it (what I'm doing while away not the being apart bit).

[CookMySock]

I had a chat with one half of the relationship and was told that the woman apparently goes away because the stress at home is too much for her to bear. (The person I spoke to is the one causing her the stress.)

Owch. Sounds like he is going to have to cool it. It will be easy for her to push his buttons until he responds, and then say its all his fault, and then leave again. It's poor behaviour on her part to just walk out though. It's not like she is going to suffocate or anything, regardless of how it might feel like it.

[....] I struggle to understand why anyone would remain in the relationship if the partner is causing that much strain that you can't be around him.

Usually because the relationship resembles a previous relationship with a dominant negative parent. In her current relationship, she is able to renegotiate this old dynamic and address a childhood issue by wresting control of this new relationship from her man, and now conducting it on her terms. Unfortunately, without his clinginess the current scenario would be unworkable, and with it, it is unworkable. They both have a massive, massive mountain to climb.

This "getting away from it all" has been happening since they first met so it's not like they were madly in love before the stress began. She chose to get involved with him knowing he had a problem that wasn't resolved.

Yup. It's called an Imago Match. Every relationship is sort of based this way (quite a few are not) but they vary hugely in the level of intensity, from the slightly annoyed, to the murderously possessive.

Steve

[Burtha]

If its been like this from the beginning, it might be baggage on her part ie; expecting things from him that aren't him?

The click is either there at the beginning really or not. After that, when "the honeymoon is over" and reality sinks in is when you start realising that the other person farts, and has a multitude of annoyances that you can either live with and love as a whole package or you don't.

Personally, I still love my snorring, fluffy, stubborn hubby!

Has he come to any conclusions as to what he is going to do about it (long term that is)?