Yes I lied...

[FJRider]

For the past 7 years I have been in a relationship with a lady that has serious medical conditions. This means constant medical supervision/treatment. This was never a "live in" relationship, I had my place... she had hers. Thus , I got sleep as did she. Her unwellness placed great strain on her mental health, which did not help my own. The result of her problems led her to attempt suicide by way of medication (prescribed drugs) overdose late last year, whilst at my home. This was attempted in my bed, whilst I was present in the house. Ambulance called ... ETC. A couple of nights in hospital.... pills taken off her, medication given for one week at a time... She gets counciling, I get.....

Being a regular member online, on site, for a while, found KB an escape from my problems. The topics discussed on site, matched the variety of personalities/opinions of members. We are all different... (I expect no arguement there.)

Late last year,on a topic of loneliness/homesickness, one post from one member struck a chord. My reply by PM got a reply from her. My own experience of such matters was explained... as was my method/opinion of dealing with such issues. What followed was communication via PM's, E. mail, texting, and Live messenger. Her courage to attempt a new start in unfamilar territory to what she had in the past, astounded me... and still does.

Over the past few months, our friendship developed. As much as it could being 2500 km's apart. Her issues were those I had, or had at some stage in my life. our opinions were like, and strong feelings to each other were admitted.

But my honesty as to the correct "status" of my existing relationship was sadly lacking (Understatement of the year). My own inexperience in dealing in close personal experiences, led me to lie, to mislead, to falsify my personal status as such, to her. Actions I totally regret, and wholeheartedly apologize...

Her resulting action to refuse to be in contact with me is understandable. When her laughter brought tears to my eyes, after her time of low morale, the tears are now my own... due to my stupidity and deceit.

The sad fact is... as ALWAYS... you do not realise what you have, untill you have lost it... and I miss her. And I love her.

I am familar with the comments in other threads of similar topic... and expect to get similar here. As a self proclaimed smarty-pants, and have attracted the ire of some, feel free to take a shot. Make it a good and fair shot... I have been known to shoot back. I have awarded green bling to intelligent sensible posts in the past, red to a literal few that were not so.

Comments please...

[Conquiztador]

We all do fuckups. The thing is not to do the same again. There are so many new ones to do.

I have more then once had that shit done to me. By the ones who after I found out become ex'es. And also by others who had let me believe that there was nobody else in their lives. Probably why I am bad at gifts as I hate surprises...

Clearly your thread here has one purpose: To try and mend what you destroyed. But if that is what you are looking for, then go back up to my first three sentences, as you need to have sorted the ill girl out of your life first if that is what you want to do. People who have problems do not need you to add to their shit.
Just deal with it!

Pick one of them and give 100%. Nothing else is good enuf.

Good luck.

[Trudes]

We all do fuckups. The thing is not to do the same again. There are so many new ones to do.

I have more then once had that shit done to me. By the ones who after I found out become ex'es. And also by others who had let me believe that there was nobody else in their lives. Probably why I am bad at gifts as I hate surprises...

Clearly your thread here has one purpose: To try and mend what you destroyed. But if that is what you are looking for, then go back up to my first three sentences, as you need to have sorted the ill girl out of your life first if that is what you want to do. People who have problems do not need you to add to their shit.
Just deal with it!

Pick one of them and give 100%. Nothing else is good enuf.

Good luck.

Agree completely.
If you want a relationship with KB lady then you have to end it with the other lady first. Her finding out you've got feelings for someone else while you're still together could tip her over the edge, so do the right thing and be there as her friend to help and support her, but sounds like an unhappy situation that it's time to move on from.
KB lady, if you're reding this, we all make mistakes, sounds like FJRider was in a sticky situation, yes he should have been honest with you, but sometimes it's hard and mistakes do happen. If you have feelings for him, give him a chance to explain properly to you.
Good luck mate.

[pc220]

Mate we all do dumb shit, its how we deal with it that matters. Its easy for something quite innocent in interwebby land to come back and bite you in the real world. You seem to have the strenght of character and morals to know what you need to do. Good luck with it.

[Number One]

I agree with Trudes and Conquistador.

Other than that all I have to say is this....

[Badcat]

For the past 7 years I havebeen in a relationship with a lady that has serious medical conditions. This means constant medical supervision/treatment. This was never a "live in" relationship, I had my place... she had hers. Thus , I got sleep as did she. Her unwellness placed great strain on her mental health, which did not help my own. The result of her problems led her to attempt suicide by way of medication (prescribed drugs) overdose late last year, whilst at my home. This was attempted in my bed, whilst I was present in the house. Ambulance called ... ETC. A couple of nights in hospital.... pills taken off her, medication given for one week at a time... She gets counciling, I get.....

Being a regular member online, on site, for a while, found KB an escape from my problems. The topics discussed on site, matched the variety of personalities/opinions of members. We are all different... (I expect no arguement there.)

Late last year,on a topic of loneliness/homesickness, one post from one member struck a chord. My reply by PM got a reply from her. My own experience of such matters was explained... as was my method/opinion of dealing with such issues. What followed was communication via PM's, E. mail, texting, and Live messenger. Her courage to attempt a new start in unfamilar territory to what she had in the past, astounded me... and still does.

Over the past few months, our friendship developed. As much as it could being 2500 km's apart. Her issues were those I had, or had at some stage in my life. our opinions were like, and strong feelings to each other were admitted.

But my honesty as to the correct "status" of my existing relationship was sadly lacking (Understatement of the year). My own inexperience in dealing in close personal experiences, led me to lie, to mislead, to falsify my personal status as such, to her. Actions I totally regret, and wholeheartedly apologize...

Her resulting action to refuse to be in contact with me is understandable. When her laughter brought tears to my eyes, after her time of low morale, the tears are now my own... due to my stupidity and deceit.

The sad fact is... as ALWAYS... you do not realise what you have, untill you have lost it... and I miss her. And I love her.

I am familar with the comments in other threads of similar topic... and expect to get similar here. As a self proclaimed smarty-pants, and have attracted the ire of some, feel free to take a shot. Make it a good and fair shot... I have been known to shoot back. I have awarded green bling to intelligent sensible posts in the past, red to a literal few that were not so.

Comments please...

hey.
good on you for coming clean, especially in a place so public.
that takes strength.
my lovelife has been a clusterfuck too.

what doesn't kill us makes us stronger - right?

keep sight of your value, bud.
act in a way you can be proud.
it's working for me - slowly.

K

[ital916]

For the past 7 years I have been in a relationship with a lady that has serious medical conditions. This means constant medical supervision/treatment. This was never a "live in" relationship, I had my place... she had hers. Thus , I got sleep as did she. Her unwellness placed great strain on her mental health, which did not help my own. The result of her problems led her to attempt suicide by way of medication (prescribed drugs) overdose late last year, whilst at my home. This was attempted in my bed, whilst I was present in the house. Ambulance called ... ETC. A couple of nights in hospital.... pills taken off her, medication given for one week at a time... She gets counciling, I get.....

Being a regular member online, on site, for a while, found KB an escape from my problems. The topics discussed on site, matched the variety of personalities/opinions of members. We are all different... (I expect no arguement there.)

Late last year,on a topic of loneliness/homesickness, one post from one member struck a chord. My reply by PM got a reply from her. My own experience of such matters was explained... as was my method/opinion of dealing with such issues. What followed was communication via PM's, E. mail, texting, and Live messenger. Her courage to attempt a new start in unfamilar territory to what she had in the past, astounded me... and still does.

Over the past few months, our friendship developed. As much as it could being 2500 km's apart. Her issues were those I had, or had at some stage in my life. our opinions were like, and strong feelings to each other were admitted.

But my honesty as to the correct "status" of my existing relationship was sadly lacking (Understatement of the year). My own inexperience in dealing in close personal experiences, led me to lie, to mislead, to falsify my personal status as such, to her. Actions I totally regret, and wholeheartedly apologize...

Her resulting action to refuse to be in contact with me is understandable. When her laughter brought tears to my eyes, after her time of low morale, the tears are now my own... due to my stupidity and deceit.

The sad fact is... as ALWAYS... you do not realise what you have, untill you have lost it... and I miss her. And I love her.

I am familar with the comments in other threads of similar topic... and expect to get similar here. As a self proclaimed smarty-pants, and have attracted the ire of some, feel free to take a shot. Make it a good and fair shot... I have been known to shoot back. I have awarded green bling to intelligent sensible posts in the past, red to a literal few that were not so.

Comments please...

I feel for you bud, that is being caught between a rock and a hard place. I may be a young wipper snapper but I have been in similar sorts or situations. Hopefully like the others have said this woman you love sees that you meant her no harm but only did what you did out of not knowing what to do.

I hope that she comes around and realises you are a top bloke, feeling like that dont just die away and she is probably just as unsure of what to do.

Have a big man hug from me

I hope everything works out.

[Taz]

But deep down you knew it would end like this..............

[AllanB]

Armed with a load of smart arse comments, all ready to post, I paused and reread your heart felt post.

I know, I know this is not the KB way - I should have skim read the post then ripped into him with comments of 'treat em mean, keep em keen' etc and made ample use of the word 'gay'.

But I got to thinking - this shit happens. I tell you, there is nothing worse than meeting someone and having them tell you their entire life history in full colour, high definition detail. How many partners they have had, which one had a hairy bum, why they all ended, all the way back to the time Great Uncle Ralph was caught in the wood-shed with the very leggy but underage maid.

One often 'adjusts' the details of ones life to suit the current situation, without the forward vision to see where such adjustments will end up in the future.

Personally I think if you believe there is a future in the relationship you should go with your heart. Sometimes you need to cut loose the baggage and think about your own future.

Either that or buy a new motorcycle - that usually makes you feel good

[YellowDog]

Well other people’s relationships are really easy to sort out. It is our own that are near on impossible. Trying to make a relationship work that just cannot and should not is not a good idea.

Well it takes us guys a lot longer to grow up than it does for ladies and this is just part of your growing up process. I don't want to stereotype you (or your upset lady) here, but you have just behaved and you are behaving how guys do. We like to keep our options open and be ‘the man’. Men also generally don’t like being on their own, hence keeping one door ajar before the other closes. And you are now stereotypically sulking.

You had no idea of how your feelings would develop with this new lady who is unlikely to be happy that you are broadcasting this to all as a way to try and show your personal feelings. Did you actually lie? Well I suspect not, you just omitted to mention certain facts. You found a soul mate and you opened up to each other liking what you found. As your relationship took its unexpected course you started to wish you had played it slightly differently at the start. BUT this relationship may not have developed in the way it has if you had played it a different way.

The facts are straightforward. You were unhappy in your relationship and perhaps subconsciously, your heart was looking for something more fulfilling and less of a bind. Does anyone believe you did not deserve to find a better life? I doubt this very much.

Did you know that one of the most common causes of a delayed relationship break up is his or her pet? You could do it to the person but not to the loving cat or dog because they don’t deserve it. I have been there and done that. I still have his photo on the wall (wife doesn’t mind). This is not a very good excuse really. Life is tough and a non committed relationship makes it a great deal tougher than it should be.

So, regarding your existing lady, only you know your feelings here. All I would say to you is that on the odd occasion when I have (regrettably more than once) found myself discussing suicide with potential candidates, your natural instinct is to try and talk them around and look for positive aspects of their lives. The first thing I say is, “well if you want to kill yourself, have you considered who you would want to find you?” – Here I am just trying to establish who in their minds is deserved of this harrowing ‘never to go away’ life affecting experience. Do you hate anyone that much? Do you consider that no one would mourn you? – WELL YOU WERE HER CHOSEN ONE without discussion or warning. Clearly what you had or have from both sides is not enough.

So back to the present day predicament: No you can’t just wind back and change a few things to make it all OK again. Females are far more complex creatures than guys.

You need to adjust your expectations of how you can potentially put this right. My experience says that our feline friends harbour memories of conceit and betrayal forever. They don’t have grading scales like guys do. So you need to be able to change 'conceit and betrayal' to 'misunderstanding and decisions made under extreme duress. Turning over a new leaf and moving on like it never happened is just not an option.

So the solution is simple:

1. Sort out your relationship with your sadly unwell lady.

2. Tell your former soul mate and potential new life partner that you are very sorry that you have upset her in this way. Tell her how emotionally torn you were feeling to make you behave the way you did. Let her know your true feelings and how you would like things to work out.

3. Wait for her to come to you.

It’s easy. Some things just weren’t meant to be. If you push too hard to try and smooth things over, you will always be a huge disadvantage in any future relationship that you and she may have.

50/50 relationships don’t work and neither do 90/10 relationships. If you can make this into a 60/40 relationship, you will be there. So what I am saying is that you also need to be prepared to walk away if the terms are not right.
This newer lady may seem like the ideal life partner, but this could be a ‘the grass is always greener’ situation. Clearly she has already passed your ‘Is she a Bunny Boiler’ test. Do yourself a favour and square all the bases before jumping in head first. Get her to tell you and try to understand her feelings towards you.

Remember this hurt that you presently feel - AND DON’T PUT YOURSELF IN THIS POSITION AGAIN.

Affairs of the heart eh!

[Number One]

Personally I think if you believe there is a future in the relationship you should go with your heart. Sometimes you need to cut loose the baggage and think about your own future.

Either that or buy a new motorcycle - that usually makes you feel good

I agree with both those sentiments!

There are times when we all want to appear baggage-less even if for only a short time....hope things work out

[FROSTY:Me]

Dude You are talking to the WRONG people.The person to talk to is the lady or should I say ladies in question.
(unless of course this IS your final resort to get ya message to her)

[mdnzz]

Dude You are talking to the WRONG people.The person to talk to is the lady or should I say ladies in question.

I agree with frosty on this one FJ, yea you have ballsed up big time and you should be talking to them.

I have been in this situation first hand except it went the other way and my wife and I separated.

We actually now have a better relationship that I came 'clean' and talked to her about how I felt and where the relationship was heading.

We have daily contact and she is good friends with my current partner.

1ST rule, never get close to another when your in a relationship of any sorts, and yes emotional relationships are just as important to women as physical, more so for some.

2nd, you don't really need to come to a forum to get any advise over your situation.
You know inside what is right and wrong.
Time to make the hard choices that only you can make.

I have empathy for your situation but alas I offer no sympathy for your own misgivings.

[Ms Piggy]

You are a brave man to be so honest.

It sounds like the relationship with your current g/f has been strained and difficult and you've never been willing to fully commit because of all those tensions (that's an observation not a criticism). So (like others have said) I suggest you break it off with her if that's truly how you feel - that's being honest...however, I also suggest you don't tell her it's because you've met someone else - if her state of mental health is delicate hearing that could be very detrimental, sometimes omitting all the facts is kinder (on very rare occasions only) for the other persons well-being. I think at times honesty can in fact be brutal to the person receiving the message, so think carefully about what you say.

Keep trying to communicate with the KBer woman and who knows. It may be that you'll not be able to ever mend things with her, but (here's an awful cliché) it sounds the person you need to really be honest with is yourself and sorting you out.

[Mom]

Sometimes when you are personally in a dark place it is so wonderful to find an empathetic person to lean a little on. Online/distant type relationships make it so easy to unburden yourself and fully engage in the support and love you are getting from this relationship. It makes your own situation just that bit more bearable. All too often this leads to cloudy jusgement and makes it so easy to simply gloss over certain truths in an effort to continue to get your needs met. I have no doubt that this is not actually a thought out process mind you, more a not thought about thing if you understand what I am trying to say. Not that important at the time to be entirely black and white, this might not be going anywhere anyway, this is just a way for me to make myself feel better.

You suddenly find yourself in a place where you have backed yourself into a corner that you cant get out of without coming clean and really opening up and being totally truthful to this distant lover. For even is there has been not physical aspect to the relationship, emotional love is what you have been experiencing. The person on the other end of this relationship has no idea that you are covering anything and is understandably angry and upset when truths be told.

You can not put it right, it happened. All you can do now is put things where you know you need them to be for you. If that means ending your current relationship, do it. If that means asking to be forgiven for your past ignorance to your distant lover then do it. Apologies are useless in situations like these. You need to acknowledge to her what you have done, tell her the whole truth. You need to let her know you understand how hurt she must be and ask her to try to forgive you. You need to do that soon and then let it be. Time will tell if you really have met the partner of your dreams in this woman, dont harrass her, dont bombard her with contact, just honestly state your case and hope she has the courage to continue. Then you have some big decisions to make, you are either in or out of the relationship, and make a commitment to it.

Good luck with it mate. You are nto the first person that has made such a balls up, and you certainly wont be the last.

Take care eh.