Joke Thread #6482292

[MSTRS:Me]

This is for all those afficianados of the Fart esp. RiffRaff

[MSTRS:Me]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when
one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them: "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them: "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."
The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?"
"Oh, yes, let's," she replies!
"But let's change positions," she continues. "This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."

[Storm]

This is for all those afficianados of the Fart esp. RiffRaff

Thank you for lightering my day immeasurably. I havent laughed till I cried for too long. Well done that man

[MSTRS:Me]

just checking....

[Blakamin]

how did ya know???

[MSTRS:Me]

Just a feeling, you know. Seems we should trust our intuitions?

[Sniper]

Clever Senior Citizen and the Policeman

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring."I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

[Sniper]

Father Explains Condoms to Son

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

[MSTRS:Me]

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over
ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship"
he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to
rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him,
"Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it,
takes a long drag and says,
" Oh me heaven Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?"
she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands
it to him He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says,
"Oh shite, tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs
down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long
has it been since you've played around ?" ... exposing much of her body .
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs,
"Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there! "

[vifferman]

Coupla pix:

[Skunk]

Jamaican Kinder Egg

[BNZ]

Fo ShIzZlE mY nIzZlE
iT's ThE bIg NePtIzZlE
WiTh ThE sNoOpY-d-O-dOuBlE-gIzZlE

And no, I don't know what the hell that means

Why does snoop dawg carry an umbrella?

Because of all the drizzle.

[Skunk]

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here." Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? Ill handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry- I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

[Krayy]

A blond cager is stopped by a traffic cop while driving the wrong way up a one way street.

"Didn't you see the arrows?", the officer asks.

She looks at him amazed and says, "Arrows? I didn't even see the indians!"

[MSTRS:Me]

A firefighter is working on an engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog & her cat.
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks", the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer & notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."