Joke Thread #6482292

**Sniper** · 23rd March 2005, 16:12

Did you read in the newspaper about the 4 foot tall fortune teller who escaped from jail and the newspaper headlines ran:

Small medium at large

**Wolf** · 23rd March 2005, 16:33

Guy gets a call on his cell phone while driving. he answers it to hear his wife's frantic voice telling him to be careful - she's seen on the news that there's some idiot driving the wrong way on the Motorway.
"One idiot?" He says incredulously. "There's hundreds of 'em."

**Sniper** · 24th March 2005, 11:21

Criminally STUPID

THAT'S JUST GOOFY

In Cranberry, Pa., a man walked into Gordon's Mini Mart wearing a mask of the Disney dog Pluto and demanded money, but the clerk laughed him out of the store. Meanwhile, in Tsu, Japan, a 31-year-old man wearing a monkey costume tried to rob a con-venience store, but when he tried to take money from the cash register he couldn't grab it with his "paws."

TURN THE OTHER CHEEK

In Van Buren, Ark., Mark Thompson stole a car stereo from a car parked in front of a tire store, then decided to moon the empty store. He then fled, not noticing that his wallet had fallen out when he'd dropped his pants. Police found it later, along with another piece of evidence: a rather large "butt print" on the store's window.

DOOFUS du jour

In Charlottesburg, Va., Raymond Caldwell walked into a jewelry store on Valentine's Day and asked to look at a couple of diamond rings. While the clerk was getting them, Caldwell stuffed an engage-ment ring and two wedding bands into his pocket and ran from the store. He then went home, gave the rings to his girlfriend and proposed to her. When she found the rings didn't fit, Caldwell told her to take them back to the store to have them sized. She did, and after the clerk recognized the rings, police were called.

WHAT TIPPED YOU OFF?

In Moorhead, Minn., a man with a license plate that reads "TIPSY" was arrested for DUI, while in Hong Kong, Ho Heng-chau, 20, was found guilty of drug possession on a day when he chose to show up in court wearing a T-shirt that read "COCAINE" across the front.

SUPERSIZE YOUR SENTENCE

A Marathon, Fla., man, arrested following a fight at a local bar, told the arresting officer that if he drove him to McDonald's he would buy him two cheeseburgers in exchange for his release. He's now charged with trying to bribe a police officer

**MSTRS:Me** · 31st March 2005, 09:30

Nelsons ships confront the French at Trafalgar

Nelson “Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all despatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules It could save your life."
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that the government plans on legislation making it compulsory, sir."
Nelson: "In that case, kiss me, Hardy."

**MSTRS:Me** · 3rd April 2005, 16:23

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!

**Skunk** · 5th April 2005, 14:25

Matthew Porter, 25, was arrested in a Texas golf course carpark and charged with possessing marijuana. Porter didn't have the drug on him - but his dog JD sure did, reports the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. A police search of Porter and his pals came up empty - until JD emerged from an ornamental pond with a large plastic bag full of marijuana in his mouth. Tail wagging, the labrador dropped the bag at Porter's feet. Porter had tossed it into the pond as police approached.

**Hitcher** · 7th April 2005, 16:52

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a supermarket bag?

One's white, plastic and dangerous around unsupervised children. The other holds groceries.

**MSTRS:Me** · 13th April 2005, 10:09

As long as the first & last letters are in the right place, the brain can make sense of it. Believe it or not you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. ! Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt

**Wolf** · 13th April 2005, 11:02

Originally Posted by MSTRS

As long as the first & last letters are in the right place, the brain can make sense of it. Believe it or not you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. ! Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt

Partially correct - we also use the shape of the word a lot - which is why people like WINJA who type all caps are hard to read: caps rob the words of their distinctive shape, turning all words into "rectangles" of varying length, forcing us to slow down. "DOG" is a short rectangle, so is "BOG", they look similar enough to force the reader to slow slightly. "dog" and "bog" look different enough to be read quickly.

Guidelines for making "readable publications" warn against over use of caps as the average reader "tunes out" or becomes frustrated. Effective for occasional bits (like headings or important points) where you want the reader to slow down and take notice of what you're saying.

Mega$loth use all caps in their EULAs to slow you down and prompt all but the most anal-retentive to give up in frustration part way through (the bit where you agree to hand over your first born child and be lowered slowly into a vat of boiling acid is near the end of the EULA where it won't be read by most people.)

The following is the same mangled text but in all caps and, while still readable, is not as easily scanned as the mixed case version.

I CDNUOLT BLVEIEE TAHT I CLUOD AULACLTY UESDNATNRD WAHT I WAS RDANIEG THE PHAONMNEAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID AOCCDRNIG TO A RSCHEEARCH AT CMABRIGDE UINERVTISY, IT DEOSN'T MTTAER INWAHT OREDR THE LTTEERS IN A WROD ARE, THE OLNY IPRMOATNT TIHNG IS TAHT THE FRIST AND LSAT LTTEER BE IN THE RGHIT PCLAE. THE RSET CAN BE A TAOTL MSES AND YOU CAN SITLL RAED IT WOUTHIT A PORBELM. ! TIHS IS BCUSEAE THE HUAMN MNID DEOS NOT RAED ERVEY LTETER BY ISTLEF, BUT THE WROD AS A WLOHE. AMZANIG HUH? YAEH AND I AWLYAS THOUGHT SLPELING WAS IPMORANTT

**Sniper** · 13th April 2005, 11:20

Wow. Thats intersting theology Wolf, thanks

**MSTRS:Me** · 14th April 2005, 13:06

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger.
When men notice they should try not to yell at their spouses.

My name is Bob.
Let me relate how I handle the situation with my wife, Sharon. When I took "early retirement" in May, it became necessary for Sharon to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we needed.
It was shortly after she started working more that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from golf or fishing about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half hour or so before she starts dinner. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get dinner on the table.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. Now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening. I'm willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but, unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things, like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.
Also, if I had a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Sharon is starting to complain a little, occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.I also remind her that,
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn.I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks.I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her break by the
hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sharon on a daily basis.
I'm not saying that my ability to show this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women can become, as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article,
I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

Signed, Bob

**Sniper** · 14th April 2005, 13:29

Oooooooooooo, hehehe

**Gremlin** · 15th April 2005, 02:42

Sensitives might want to steer clear of 2. If your sensitive about the others, then don't tell me

**bear** · 15th April 2005, 10:53

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a
headache."
His wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

**MSTRS:Me** · 15th April 2005, 11:02

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."
He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales." He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."