Joke Thread #6482292

[MSTRS:Me]

This report just in. Note - the names have been changed to protect those involved.
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and TwoWheeledMember stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, ThrowerOfPotatoes popped out in front of her and shouted.
"STOP! Have you got proof of registration?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. He nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, SlimeyCanine stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"

[Ogri]

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health hotline :

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophreic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press. Remember you are never alone.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number,
date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory
loss press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy
to
talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You
won't be crazy forever.

[Ogri]

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.





He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."



The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car.



Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."




So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.


IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS?








OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON








SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.

She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!

[Ogri]

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aeroplane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting
in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the
edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax
and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines,
secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"You know,
Bob,one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

[Ogri]

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.











Employer's response:......


Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

[Blakamin]

Must see if the boss will hire her as the new office girl.....

[RiderInBlack]

"Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"

Got to give that one to my nursing friends

[StoneChucker]

Wat kan ek sê? (What can I say?)

[Joni]

Wat kan ek sê? (What can I say?)

The sex caller was a clasic!!! Very funny Dave. Although I dont know if I should be offended...

99.9% of the people on KB wont get this... but anyone who has encountered the "Afrikaner" culture will understand all too well...

Good on ya Stoney, you made made me laugh tonight...

[saiko]

I can report that not all F's are fake. I have made a rigourous examination of a pair of 14 F's , and they are completly natural

I can offer my services for a second opinion

[StoneChucker]

The sex caller was a clasic!!! Very funny Dave. Although I dont know if I should be offended...

99.9% of the people on KB wont get this... but anyone who has encountered the "Afrikaner" culture will understand all too well...

Good on ya Stoney, you made made me laugh tonight...

Wat sal hulle nie kry met jou koeksister?

[Skunk]

Wat kan ek sê? (What can I say?)

Excellent!

Wat sal hulle nie kry met jou koeksister?

Huh?

[Joni]

Huh?

Dont even ask... He's being ummm rude!!

[StoneChucker]

Dont even ask... He's being ummm rude!!

Aww... "You must spread some reputation around before giving to Joni again"... Well, it's the thought that counts

You're right though, 99.9% of people on here will find it funny for the accent part, but miss the good 'ol SA meaning/humour

[MSTRS:Me]

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"
His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.
Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:

'You've Got Male'!"