Joke Thread #6482292

[Riff Raff]

Wat kan ek sê? (What can I say?)

Bloody excellent. Now if only I could remember enough Afrikaans to write something really witty... oh well I'll just have to Fart next time I see you.

[MSTRS:Me]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Mary led off. "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly."My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events." "Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the
classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny. "Tooth brushes?" echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing.
'Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

[MrMelon]

A young man is pulled over for speeding. Looking at his rough hair and ragged clothes the policeman asks how he is going to pay the fine since he obviously hasn't got a job. "But I have got a job", the young man replied. "I am a rectum stretcher". "What does a rectum stretcher do?", asks the policeman. "Well", said the young man, " I start with my fingers, and then one fist, and then two and keep on like this until it is six foot". "What would you do with a six foot asshole asks the policeman". "Well", replies the young man casually, "you stick
him on the end of a bridge, and give him a radar gun".

[Al]

There's an old man who goes into a bar and looks at the biggest, baddest, meanest biker and says, "I saw your grandma last night." The biker gives him a look and turns away. "I saw your grandma naked last night." The biker once again gives him a look and turns away. "I fucked your grandma last night..." says the old man. "Dammit grandpa, go home!"

Al

[Al]

The Probing Doctor!

This chick walks into a doctors surgery and the nurse tells her to take
off her clothes and that the doctor will be with her in a minute so she
does.

The doctor walks in and take off his coat and starts to feel between her
thighs. He asks "do you know what I'm doing now" and she replies "your
checking for menopause" and he says "very good".

Then he starts feeling her tits and he asks her "do you know what I'm
doing now" and she says "checking for breast cancer" and he says "very
good".

Then He jumps on her and starts rooting her and asks if she knows what
he's doing know and she replies "contracting genital herpes cause that's
why I came to see you"


Al

[Eurodave]

There were these 2 hookers standing on a street corner... one says to the other "Tonights going to be a good night, I can smell cock in the air!" the other one replies "Oh sorry... I just burped"

[Eurodave]

The Taxman visits this prostitute & asks her why she put down 'farmer' as her job description, she replies " well I raised 500 cocks last year"....

[Eurodave]

THE MATING CALLS OF COMMON BIRDS;

CHICKEN, cheep cheep

OWL, whooo whooo

ROOSTER, cock a doodle do

BLACKBIRD,Come on Rangi f*&k me up the arse

[Eurodave]

Wot do you get when you cross Micheal Jackson & Arnold Schwartzenegger??


Micheal Wazzanigger!!!

[Eurodave]

Customer:
"excuse me, but how can this tiny little handbag cost so much?"

Sales asst; "Its made of foreskin ,madam ,when you lick it, it becomes a suitcase!!"

[Skunk]

A dedicated UAW (United Auto Workers) union worker was attending
a convention in Las Vegas and, as you might expect, decided to
check out the local brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame,

"Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off
down the street in search of a more equitable and hopefully
unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a
brothel where the Madame responded,

"Why, yes sir, this IS a union house."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?
"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the UAW man said. He looked around the
room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would sir," said the Madame, then gesturing to an
obese elderly woman in the corner, "… but Ethel here has
seniority."

[MSTRS:Me]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They
approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the petrol pump's haughty
attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently,
"Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I
will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!"
But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the
desert, where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the
other one and said,
"What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was
so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during all my
travels through the galaxy,
it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then
stick into his own ear, don't mess with him!"

[Skunk]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them:
"In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a
doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention."

[Eurodave]

How did the butcher introduce his wife?





Meet Patty

[MSTRS:Me]

The Blues manager sends scouts out round the world looking for a
new player to hopefully win them the Super 12 again. One scouts informs
him of a talented young Iraqi winger. The coach flies to Iraq to watch
him, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to play
for the Blues.

Two weeks later, The Blues are 30-0 down at home to the Crusaders
with only 20 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi winger the nod
to go on. The lad is a sensation, scores 6 tries in 20 minutes and wins
the game for the Blues. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches
are ecstatic, and the media love the new star. When he comes off the
field he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day playing rugby for
the Blues.

"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we
were 30-0 down, but I scored 6 tries and we won. Everybody loves me, the
fans, the players and the media, they all love me".

"Great," says his Mum, "now let me tell you about my day".

"Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were attacked
and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, all while you
were having a great time".

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his Mum "Its your fault that we moved to South
Auckland in the first place!"