Aircraft logs

[Madmax]

From the web site of the
Institute of Scientfic and Technical Communicators

http://www.istc.org.uk


Whoops
Aircraft maintenance, 2001
Below are problems allegedly noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight, plus the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem Solution
Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

No 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
No 2 propeller seepage normal - No 1, No 3, and No 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Something loose in cockpit.
Something tightened in cockpit.

Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Evidence removed.

DME volume unbelievably loud.
Volume set to more believable level.

Dead bugs on windshield.
Live bugs on order.

Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Cannot reproduce problems on ground
.
IFF inoperative.
IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
That's what they're there for.

Number three engine missing.
Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Aircraft handles funny.
Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

Target Radar hums. Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

[Sniper]

Hehe, seen those before but nicely done

[bugjuice]

yeah, ditto.. but always love a laff..

I also remember a slanging match one heard over the radio. A small aircraft was waiting to taxi out and was given permission, then quickly revoked as a larger aircraft was making a bit of a hectic approach. The smaller aircraft voiced his disgust at the decision, but held all the same.
The large aircraft finally hit the deck and made some comment to the lighter aircraft about learning to fly a 'real' aircraft like his instead of the crappy little thing he was in, to which the guy in the smaller aircraft commented that all he needs is for him to make another landing like that, and he'd have enough parts to make another 'little' aircraft..

I've completely spoilt it, cos I can't remember exactly how it goes, but I could imagine it was funny at the time.. anyhoo, if anyone has it floating around, post it so I don't look a complete dick goin on about nothin...

[Biff]

Seen before, but brilliant none the less, and the one I had was apparently courtesy of Qantas.

[**R1**]

LMAO, have seen it b4, i think the one i saw had ........


mouse seen in cockpit.
Installed cat.

[MSTRS:Me]

Yep (Qantas) Also included these

Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Evidence removed.

Suspected crack in windshield.
Suspect you're right.

Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Took hammer away from midget.

[SkOrM]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken

The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, QANTAS is the only major airline that has never had an accident
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Wolf]

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

Wish we could do that.

Frequently we'll get emails along the lines of "Staff member has forgotten password" or "Please close staff member's account" with no further explanation (like the name or, better, login name) and it is always so tempting to email them back and just say "I have changed a staff member's password" just to see if they ring us back in panic to ask whose password was changed.

Bloody "Kiwi Host" course - ruins all our fun. Apparently we've got to be nice to the idiots and take time out of our day correcting their deficiencies.

[Waylander]

Been posted a long time ago but worth the reposting as it's still funny.

[Firefight]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken

The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, QANTAS is the only major airline that has never had an accident
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Yep, a good one, I guess you have seen this at some stage Marty ?

F/F

[Mooch]

On the subject of planes check out this landing video (No Crash)
http://www.big-boys.com/articles/planelands.html

[placidfemme]

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

LMAO

*gives the hammer back to the midget*

[Madmax]

have a look at this site
http://www.milk.com/wall-o-shame/

[Madmax]

check out
shameful treatises
conspiracy

[Blackadda]

Airline pilots

After every flight, Quantas Airline pilots fill out a form, called a
"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the
solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. (This one's great, too!)
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.