Aircraft logs

**zadok** · 4th August 2005, 23:03

Welcome to K.B laddie.

**Firefight** · 4th August 2005, 23:06

Originally Posted by Blackadda

Airline pilots

After every flight, Quantas Airline pilots fill out a form, called a
"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the
solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. (This one's great, too!)
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

yep, been here before, but always good to see it again, nice one, and welocme to KB.

F/F

**Blackadda** · 4th August 2005, 23:10

Thanks guys, first time looking at the site and I'm impressed. Thopught I'd start with a joke then see how she goes. Here's another one for you rviewing pleasure.

Men Are Just Happier People

But what else can you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

**Wolf** · 5th August 2005, 10:19

Originally Posted by Blackadda

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

Not quite true - you do if you want a shit and there are some urinals that you don't want to stand too close to even with boots on - you feel like standing at the door and aiming at the stall (after all, it looks like the last ten occupants did...)

Welcome to the KB gargre, Blackadda.

**feistyredhead** · 5th August 2005, 10:27

Originally Posted by Wolf

Not quite true - you do if you want a shit and there are some urinals that you don't want to stand too close to even with boots on - you feel like standing at the door and aiming at the stall (after all, it looks like the last ten occupants did...)

Welcome to the KB gargre, Blackadda.

well at least you have a gun to aim

for us it is squatting i rather do it in the great outdoors behind a bush...which i have done oh a long bike trip..at least it does not smell like shite and looks even worst!

and welcome to this twisted little place where oddly enough i fit in

**Wolf** · 5th August 2005, 10:45

Originally Posted by feistyredhead

well at least you have a gun to aim :

The rural church held its annual picnic in a paddock of one of the nearby farms. Pretty soon a rather naive pretty-young-thing found herself cut short and had to take a rather long and uncomfortable walk across several paddocks to reach the village so she could use the toilet at the church hall.

On her way back to the picnic she encountered a young man from the picnic relieving himself on her side of one of the bushes (i.e. hidden from view of the other picnickers) and remarked "My, that's a handy thing to take to a picnic."

**Sniper** · 5th August 2005, 11:17

Welcome mate and bloody brilliant

**Wenier** · 7th November 2005, 20:27

Now these are some actual maintenance problems that have been put in the Flight log by pilots in the US air force. The problem is what a pilot wrote and the Solution is the response from an engineer.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't"
Solution: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable Level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 FPM (foot per min) descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Enigne found on right wing after brief search."

**nudemetalz** · 7th November 2005, 20:32

The student in his primary trainer was flying a solo cross-country. He lost his way and before he finally ran out of fuel he decided to put it down on a road. With hardly any cars on the road he managed to coast his aircraft into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"

The attendant just looked at the pilot.

"I bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a refuel," said the pilot.

The attendant replied: "True, most pilots use that airport over there."

**N4CR** · 7th November 2005, 20:38

Came across one last week...

"Crack in right spat."

"Yay" I think, probably won't be flying if the main 'rod' thing is cracked (the important one you land on...).

Turns out it's just the smallest part of the plastic fairing which is pretty useless in general.

Oh well... good to know though.

**nudemetalz** · 7th November 2005, 20:45

I love this one....
(apparently a true story)

Two airline mechanics were working on a 747 when lunchtime came. Rather than leave what they were doing, they just took their lunch break while sitting in the cockpit. While they were eating lunch, one mechanic bet the other that the landing gear would not retract if he pulled the gear lever up.

He lost the bet.

**Wenier** · 7th November 2005, 21:33

Originally Posted by nudemetalz

I love this one....
(apparently a true story)

Two airline mechanics were working on a 747 when lunchtime came. Rather than leave what they were doing, they just took their lunch break while sitting in the cockpit. While they were eating lunch, one mechanic bet the other that the landing gear would not retract if he pulled the gear lever up.

He lost the bet.

I think youll find that that might be a bit of a tale as if there is any decent amount of maintenance being done then there'll be locks in that stop the gear retracting. Although there are cases where pilots have done that, there's a friendship aircraft here in blenheim that had its gear retracted while on the ground.

**Swoop** · 8th November 2005, 07:30

Most useless things in aviation...
Air in the fuel tank,
Altitude above the wing,
Runway behind you...

And THE most dangerous thing... a pilot with a set of tools

WOOHOO! got rid of that damn L-plate!