How do you tell your kids you can't see them anymore?

**MadDuck** · 17th March 2005, 19:43

I will answer from a slightly different angle as I was on the receiving end as a kid. Be careful...be very very careful. Your daughter will soon be a teenager. Yeah it will be faster than you think.

Girls love their Dads and need them in their lives so publicly trashing your ex will not help. Neither will a nasty Court battle (dont matter how much or how good your lawyer is) because your ex will win as unfortunately for the shitty laws we have in NZ the woman always wins. Dont lower yourself to her level and your kids will respect that when they are older. Ok it hurts at the moment but stay in touch with them and you will be rewarded. If you are paying child support you ARE entitled to see them with an agreement from CYFS. It so gives me the shits that the fathers are seen as the bad party in break ups.

Good luck.
MD

**StoneChucker** · 17th March 2005, 19:43

Simon

I have nothing to say other than what has already been said. I just want you to know you can lean on us anytime you need to. It really upsets me to read about this, I can't even imagine how it must be tearing you apart. I don't think I could handle a partner being unfaithful

Mate, stick in there and don't give up. While slightly naive, I still believe that in the end, good prevails. You're a nice guy, and your kids deserve the best.

BEST wishes and thoughts.
Dave.

**toads** · 17th March 2005, 19:54

without knowing you or your partner at all, but knowing the "system" we live in regarding social justice etc, the status quo tends to favour the woman regardless of the situation, while It is true young children need the nuture of their mothers,they also need the love, support and company of their fathers it seems to me that it is grossly stupid to try and exclude or limit the involvement of a loving willing parent, and overall hugely detrimental to a child. This sort of policy is why NZ has so many solo parents.
The worst thing is your ex will regret her actions later on when the kids turn against her in their teen years, this will ironically be the time she will need you to back her up and support her.
Stick to your guns, be involved for your kids sake and don't bow down to the threats, fight to retain your rights as a parent.

**crashe** · 17th March 2005, 20:03

May I suggest that you go back to court and get it in writing throu the judge when you have access to the children. She must then obey the law. If she doesnt then that wont go in favour with the judge.

But like all of us we don't know all the circumstances.... that is between you and your ex.

But if you are paying maintainence then you are entitled to regular access. This is usually every second weekend and sometimes a wednesday night thrown in.

Whether to tell your daughter umm she is what seven years old tomorrow...
Personally I think 7 is a bit too young to fully understand what is happening... and do you want to lay all that onto a young child's shoulder.... thats a lot to ask of a young one. Keep up what contact you can with both your children.... until you go back to court.... keep a record of what dates you get to see them and for how long... and also phone calls.... all this documentation will be of use to the judge.

Only a judge can dictate what you are to discuss with a councellor and it has nothing to do with your ex.....
Your children should also have their own lawyer ordered throu the courts.

If all else fails, when the children get older (like teenagers) your ex can not stop you contacting your children... maybe then do it throu a neutral friend to pass on the letter to them....

These cases are hard on all involved. All the best.

**gman** · 17th March 2005, 20:05

dude that really really sucks big time.
i went thru a shitty split up got four kids too she tried everthing and went thru the courts aswell but after her third lawyer (they all got sick of her lies and bullshit) i finally managed to sort it out.weve got joint gaurdianship of our kids.
she cant move house or change the kids schools without my permission.
i had a really good lawyer and got legal aid to cover it all but the first $50.

its mostly ok now ..mostly.

i hope you get your trouble sorted out.

kids need their dad.
mine need me.

**pritch** · 17th March 2005, 20:24

You really do need a *good* solicitor. One who specialises in such matters and is good as well. You may also qualify for legal aid. You would have to check it all out as it applies to you.

Kia kaha

**750Y** · 17th March 2005, 21:35

sorry to hear of your predicament.
i have so many hard questions to ask but just can't go there.
i hope YOU have.
man do your best is all i can say...
good luck my friend.

**scumdog** · 18th March 2005, 06:10

Sad thing is that in the end your ex will be the loser when the kids realise they are being used like pawns to get at you, when they realise that as the grow older thay are very likely to turn their back on their mother.

Keep the dialogue open with your daughter and son.

DON'T lower yourself to the standard of your ex but instead make a real effort to show YOU did everything in the kids interest and never tried to 'get at' the ex in any form.

DON'T slag her off, particularly in public/public forums as it will bite you on the bum and she would use the slagging against you (and very likely twist your words to suit her case).

GOOD LUCK! and never say die.

**Sniper** · 18th March 2005, 06:33

Shit mate, Im really sorry to hear that. My heart and all my good wishes go out to you. I hope this sorts itself out.

Stu

**bungbung** · 18th March 2005, 07:13

Hi Simon,

My thoughts are with you, Gini and the kids. Stay strong.

Ola

**Maximus** · 18th March 2005, 07:34

Originally Posted by celticno6

Hey all.

In the latest family court debacle, my ex has demanded:

1. that I undergo psychotherapy with a psychologist
2. that she has the right to direct how I am to be counselled
3. that the psychologist reports back to her lawyer to ensure this is successful
4. that I pay for this out of my own pocket.

and:

5. that my access is suspended until I do so.

So, how do I tell my daughter that her mother won't let me see her any more?

Hey dude, I dont know you, but my heart goes out to you. When I was 19 my girlfriend at the time gave birth to my first (and only child so far) child. When she first told me that she was pregnant it was hard but I was supportive of whatever she wanted to do, and was more than willing to help out any way I could, be it $$ or whatever I would have done it!
After a few months she decides to break up with me, giving no specific reason or anything, she just packed up and moved to Invercargill. She then told me she wanted nothing more to do with me, ever and that I could not come to the birth, and I would never meet my child (a son). I tried to sort it with her at the time, but she would not back down, things got nasty.
I have never met my son, and probably never will unless he tries to find me?! What I an trying to say is that you need to fight to see your kids YOU ALREADY HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM they need you as much as you need them.
I urge you to fight and do everything in your power to overcome this. Good luck mate I hope everything is works out for you, my thoughts are with you.

**ghost** · 18th March 2005, 07:57

Dont know you from a bar of soap, but stand tall, speak the truth, live with honour and stay loyal to your values, you are not alone.

You will allway be their dad.

**riffer** · 18th March 2005, 09:14

Yippee a bit of good news!

According to my lawyer:

1. My ex cannot set terms for any psychotherapy;
2. She cannot be told what I discuss;
3. She cannot withhold access as it is court-directed.

As a couple of people have said, it's time to stop being so nice.

I have a legal right to access to my kids and I can, and will now, have the children picked up if I have to.

no more mr nice guy...

**ajturbo** · 18th March 2005, 09:34

hey matey..

i have only met you once...thanks to frosty...
but i know a good guy when i met them..

sure you are a office working geek...

but you needing psychotherapy?

i don't think so.
but then again .....you are a office working geek.. :spudguita

you are a great guy and your daughter must think the world of you to do what she is doing.....
don't be too concered about your son, luke only ph me once a year... he too lazy/buzy doing boy stuff.... when he is older( your son) he WILL want to know you, just keep the door WIDE open, send him letters OFTEN, even if it is just to say hi, tell him that you are there!!!!!!! and he will see her for what she is later... when he is old enough to want money for a m/c, he will be on your doorstep!!!

andy

**Blakamin** · 18th March 2005, 09:38

Originally Posted by celticno6

Yippee a bit of good news!

According to my lawyer:

1. My ex cannot set terms for any psychotherapy;
2. She cannot be told what I discuss;
3. She cannot withhold access as it is court-directed.

As a couple of people have said, it's time to stop being so nice.

I have a legal right to access to my kids and I can, and will now, have the children picked up if I have to.

no more mr nice guy...

Good shit....

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