I had my first
parachute jump
today and I was
terrified.This guy
srapped himself to
me and we jumped
out.As we
plummited he said
"So how long have
you been an
instructor?"
I had my first
parachute jump
today and I was
terrified.This guy
srapped himself to
me and we jumped
out.As we
plummited he said
"So how long have
you been an
instructor?"
I've just been to
the army recruitment
office and asked for
sercice in Iraq or
Afghanistan.The
recruitment officer
said that they are
both war zones.
Extremely hostile
enviroments.
where you will be
hated.There will
be lots of
screaming and
people trying to
kill each other on a
daily basis and
whatever you do
will go
unappreciated
have you any sort
of training for
this? Yes sir I
replied I live with
teenage
stepdaughters!
I hate it when
people can't let go
of the past,,,,...Debt
collectors are the
worst.
I found the pot at the end of
the rainbow.Too bad the
lepechaun had already fucking
smoked it.
So apparently
RSVP'ing back to a
wedding invite
"maybe next time"
isn't the correct
response.
Apparently the average person
has sex 89 times a year.
This is going to be a fucking
brilliant week.
My grandfather
just died.In a way
I'm quite proud of
him.He died
having sex with
my grandma,he is
93 years old and
was getting his
thing on.Anyways
my grandma said
"We were doing it
on sunday
morning because he
could use the
church bells to
pace himself.I
think he would be
alive today if an
icecream van
hadn't gone past."
Life advice for the ladies:
If you're running late and
you says it's
because you were masturbating,men
won't even care about the 'late' part.
If you have ever sat in the
toilet at work and
wondered how long you
can sit there before
someone searches for you,
the answer is 47 minutes.
My girlfriend told me
she hoped I had
something planned for
Valentine's Day.I
said,"I'm working on it."
and she smiled,which
was weird as I thought
she would be upset that
I'm having to work on
Valentine's Day.
I told my girlfriend
last year."For
Valentines Day,I'm
going to give
you the sun,the
moon,and the
stars," she was so
excited,until she
unwrapped her
new telescope,which
I am currently using
to find a new
girlfriend.
I said to my
missus,"If I ask
you what you
would like for a
Valentine's Day
gift,you'd just say
nothing,wouldn't
you?" "Yes." she
replied."Ok then,"
I answered,"You
might as well
have your present
now then."
The difference between
the marfia and the
goverment is that the
mafia makes a profit!
My lad is in his
first proper
relationship,I
was trying to
give him the
advice about
women that my
dad gave me.I
said,"Never think
you can win an
argument with a
woman by using
logic,that never
works." "Even if
you are right,
never prove it
because she will
then punish you
for proving her
wrong and you
will wish you had
just given in."
"And finally you
can never win on
a single point
because women
always get
Historical." He
said,"Surely you
mean Hysterical"
I said,"No son
they bring up
every fucking
thing you have
done wrong in
your entire life."
Not all men want
a relationship just
for sex.We want
sandwiches and
washing done
too.
Tips for girls dating
cannibals.
1.Avoid giving head.
2.Clarify what eat your pussy means.
3.Never allow his mates to come
round and spit roast you.
The missus asked
me to be more like
Liverpool during
sex."What the
Fuck" I said,
"Well,you stay on
top for ages then
come 2nd she
replied.
Some bastard just
pinched a pair of my
wife's knickers off the
washing line.She's not
bothered about the
knickers but she wants
the 12 pegs back.
An 8 year old girl went
to office with her father
on "Take Your Kid to
work day." As they
were walking around
the office the young girl
started crying and
getting very cranky.
Her father asked what
was wrong with her.As
the staff gathered
round,she sobbed
loudly "Daddy where
are all the clowns that
you said you worked
with?"
Last night I went to a
bar and the most crazy
thing happened.Some
chick got her nipple
pierced in front of me
On an unrelated
subject...I suck at
darts.
Big truck=small dick
thus
small car=big dick
we also know that
big shoes=big dick
therefore
small car+big shoes=huge dick
So CLOWNS.....
Some people are
like clouds.
When they
disappear,
it's a
beauiful
day.
I call my wife the
preying mantis
because at any
time without
provocation she
may bite my
fuckinh head off.
What do panties and nail
polish have in common?
They both come off
with alcohol...
A nurse walks into a
bank exhausted after a
20 hour shift.
She pulls an anal
thermometer out of her
pocket and tries to
write a cheque with it.
She looks at the cashier
and says,"Well that's
fucking great,some
arsehole has got my
pen."
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