Share your txt jokes

[jim.cox]

Q: How do you milk sheep?
A: Release a new iPhone!

[Bikkie]

Another utterly crap birthday party at my brother's house yesterday.
I know he's a Bomb Disposal Technician,but does it really take 4 hours to open each present?..

I beleive whites should be separate from blacks,otherwise,everything in my laundry comes out grey.

NEWS:Colorado marijuana tax revenue exceeds $500 million.It's generating so much money,Colorado can now afford a cocaine habit.

What word starts with an N,Finishes with a R and people call a black man in the house next to theirs?
Neighour you racist bastard.

My wife opened her birthday card and found the ticket."The Pamplona bull run!!" she beamed.
"Do I need any special gear?"
"All sorted" I replied handing her the nose ring.

I don't see the point in threesomes when it's just another woman to disappoint.

[Bikkie]

I find it impressive how snooker players can put the chalk back in their pocket without getting any of it on their clothes.
It's a bit like how pornstars can have anal,and afterwards and not have any shit on their dicks.

"I was disqualified from the dog race yesterday."
"Why?" "I'm not sure.I only followed the instructions as my wife read them out to me," "Really? what were they?"
"Wait for the judges to call your name.Then wave to the crowd and enter course with your dog...

"Huge gap in living standards for ethnic groups."
I can't say I'm surprised when the jews own all the banks,Asians own half the shops and blacks make a fortune selling cocaine.


Politicians and nappies should be changed more often for the same reason.

[caspernz]

Q: What do a boss and a nappy have in common?

A: Always on your arse, and usually full of shit.

[Bikkie]

If you like listening to music while having sex,choose a live album.
That way,you get applause every 3 to 4 minutes.

I bought a female camel the other day.
The guy who sold it to me told me it was male but he must been mistaken-everytime I ride it to work I hear people say,"Look at the cunt on that!"

My new girlfriend asked me to go over to her flat for the first time so that she could show off her cooking skills.
When she asked me if there was anything in particular I wanted to eat,I jokingly replied,"Your pussy!"
Sadly I had forgotten two things!
She doesn't have a sense of humour and she's Korean.

The local newspaper just hired me as the obituaries editor.
My pen name is Doug Graves.

[Bikkie]

What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynaecologist?
The Genealogist looks up your family tree and the Gynaecologist looks up your family bush!!

A Polish immigrant went to the opticians for an eye test.
The optician shows him a card with the letters CZWIXNOSTACZ,"Can you read this?"
The optician asks."Read it?" the pole replies."I know this guy."


A pirate went to see the doctor about the moles on his back.
"I wouldn't worry about it" said the doctor."They're bengin."
"Count again doc" said the pirate,"You'll find there are ten."

I must admit,I do frown upon pornography
But that's only because I'm concentrating.

I got fired from my job,when a Muslim coworkers brother died apparently it's not suitable in their condolence card to ask how many people they took with him.

My Sat-Nav has Bonnie Tyler as it's celebrity voice.
The trouble is it keeps telling me to turn around..and every now and then it falls apart.

When you make a joke about gay people they normally take it the wrong way.
How fucking ironic

My wife is pissed off about my premature ejaculation problem.
At first she took it on the chin,but now it's just getting on her tits.

I was bursting for a shit so I nipped into the local Kmart as I ran to the toilet I noticed a white haired little old lady hanging onto the handrail next to the disabled toilets.
"Young man,could you get me a stool,I feel very faint...."
I thought at the time that it was a bit odd....anyway I'm banned from Kmart.

I was on this blind date with a girl and I started telling her all about how I was scottish and part of a clan.
"Ooh,which one?" she asked,"Campbell,MacGregors?"
"No Ku Klux."

[Akzle]

25% of women in this country are on medication for some form of mental illness.


which is fucking scary because it means the other 75% are on the loose and untreated.

[Bikkie]

This Halloween my wife and I have the best idea for a trick or treating costume.
We go up to the door,I get my cock out,she gets on her knees and starts sucking it then I knock on the door.
We're going as a goblin.

Olympic commentators say it's impossible to knock 5 seconds off your personal best.
Well I proved them wrong the other day,I was watching the women's volleyball and I heard my wife's car pull in the driveway.

I was walking through the woods when I found a suitcase.I looked inside and found 3 puppies,so I called the SPCA.
The woman on the other end of the line asked,"Are they moving?"
I surpose that explains the suitcase.

Do you know how to stop a woman from moaning,nagging and generally being a fucking nightmare?..No?,neither do I.

Gagging during a blow job is one of the most romantic sounds a girl can make.
It means she's chosen your cock over oxygen.

I was having a wank earlier and accidentally came into my bag of weed.
Jackpot.

My girlfriend was really hurt and upset when she found out I swing both ways.
She couldn't block both punches.

Just got a new sat nav it's called Tom Tom Petty everytime I go down a no through road it says,"There's aint no easy way out."

There's a decent offer on at the moment from Amazon.
If you buy a collection of sheet music by Adam And The Ants,they will throw in a free stand and deliver.

I went to bed last night thinking I was Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits.
Woke up this morning feeling fine.

[Akzle]

http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/Very_Punny_3.htm

[Bikkie]

My next door neighbour is a policeman and I got invited to his birthday party yesterday.
The food wasn't great but the party games were fantastic.
My favourite was pin the job on the maori.

Apparently there's a pervet at my local swimming pool spying on woman in the changing rooms,which is bullshit
because i've been in here for an hour and i've not seen him!

I invented a device that religiously records every single thing you see,say and do throughtout your life in minute detail.
The idea being that you can look back at how dull and boring it is and then do something to improve it.
Then I found out Facebook had beatin me to it.

Just got caught in a heavy shower....Now I'm wetter than a blind lesbian at a fish market.

Jehovah's witeness don't celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door?

[Bikkie]

Stevie Wonder Text Jokes

How did Stevie Wonders mother punish him?
She changed his room around.

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
No one has told him he is black.

When is the best time to phone Stevie Wonder?
When he is ironing his clothes.

Why does Stevie Wonder always more his head around when he sings?
He does not know where the Mic is.

What goes click,click,"Have I done it yet?" click,click.Have I done it yet?"
Stevie Wonder doing a Rubic Cube.

[Bikkie]

I bumped into my one armed mate yesterday.
I said,"Hi,Frank,where are you going?"
"I'm off to change a lightbulb",he replied,"Won't that be difficult?" I asked.
"Na" he said,"I've kept the receipt."

I found someone's wallet today,and as a good christan I thought,"What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine.

I learned most of my best dance moves from watching TV shows where the black guy finds out he's not the father.

My girlfriend just sent me a text: "I wil get my son into bed at 7pm tonight,then we can watch porn and have sex,how does that sound?xxx"
I texted back: "It's up to you,he's your son,as long as I can watch?"

The woman that just drove past me on the motorway was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed.

Just been into lighting plus and bought a pack of energy saving lightbulbs.
As the woman on the till scanned them,she asked:"Will you be putting these up yourself,sir?"
"Erm,no," I replied,"What kind of sicko do you think I am?"

[ZackTyler]

25% of women in this country are on medication for some form of mental illness.


which is fucking scary because it means the other 75% are on the loose and untreated.

Hahaha! This definitely made my day.

[ZackTyler]

A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11..

The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:
-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!
His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.
Then, his dad said:
-Now give me one and the other to your brother!
Son asks:
-What about mine?
Father answers:
-You can have the other nine left over, stubborn kid!

[ZackTyler]

Why did C-3P0 get lost?

He went on an R2-Dtour.