Biggest Bullshit Story (that somebody believed)

[slofox]

So what's the biggest piece of bullshit you put out that somebody believed? (apart from "KB is a serious motorcycling forum!")

My favourite was when Voltaren Emulgel first came out. I told the then Mrs... "They get it from emus y'know. That's why it's called EMUlgel!"
Reply "Does it? I didn't know that!"

:rofl::killingme:rofl:

[MIXONE]

Honestly Officer I didn't realise I was going that fast...

[Fatt Max]

I got my father-in-law on one that Billy Connoly came out with a few years ago.

I told him that Ford and Holden had started to make prescription wind screens for those with sight difficulties. They even did a range of ‘Split Screen Bi-Focals’ for those who have different perspectives on the open road and town driving.

He believed it as well for about 5 minutes until I told him that they were easy to spot, just look for the oncoming car with the driver who has a huge fucking head…

He punched me, but it was funny…..

[R6_kid]

"I can stop from 60kmh in 2m..."

"my bike doesn't have a flywheel"

Unfortunately the only people believing those lines are the people that said them.


On another note, I was once at the airmen's club at RNZAF Base Woodbourne (where the junior ranks drink)... after having one particular guy taking the piss out of me for the last 25mins he finally asked me what I did for a living... I told him that I was an Officer that had just finished my Hercules conversion course and was taking a short break to visit some friends. He practically shat his pants, went bright red in the face, apologised for hassling me and then bought me a drink to try and makes things better. It wasn't until I had finished the beer that I asked him - What the hell would an officer be doing at the junior ranks club? He had a think about it and then started to get pretty angry :apint::wari::motu:

[NighthawkNZ]

my 80 year old uncle (from pommy land) thought the Britten motorcycle was designed and built in Briton

[ynot slow]

Brother and his mate at school discussing engines etc,brother had helped neighbour rebuild his motox bike.They conned another kid that diesels used spark plugs,another kid who lived on a farm said he had helped his dad change the massey fergys' sparkplugs on weekend.Was in 1975 and tractor was a fergy 135-165 diesel.Brother and his mate got good mileage out of that one for years.

[ynot slow]

Wanking makes you blind,ahh can't see.Hell hairy palms,nooo.

[I'm motarded]

Told a guy who I worked with one day the
Chocolate milk was made by feeding cows chocolate
Banna milk was made by feeding cows bannas etc etc,

He then rang I think it was mainland to ask them I could hear the lady laughing down the other end of the phone from accross the room. Classic

[ynot slow]

The tap outside Speights Brewery,free beer here sign on April 1.

[PrincessBandit]

One of my boyfriends told me that the cats eyes in the middle of the road get closer together the further south you go, relating to the lines of latitude. I can hardly believe that I fell for it, although I was very young and trusting back then.

[ready4whatever]

One of my boyfriends told me that the ....

how many bfs did you have? lol jj

I told a kid that if you shoot a possum in the neck it helps it breath easier

[bogan]

I convinced a guy aluminium was actually bright blue, it just goes silver when it oxidises with the air. Told him to go cut a peice and look real quick!

[p.dath]

My girlfriend has a daughter who is about 19. She has recently started doing a weight loss video based on dance called something like Koolomba.

I told her Koolomba came from Africa. And it means to "shake the ground". She was facinated.
Then I told her that it came from the tribesman who herd elephants.

Then she clicked. Very funny to me.

[Morepower]

My girlfriend has a daughter who is about 19. She has recently started doing a weight loss video based on dance called something like Koolomba.

I told her Koolomba came from Africa. And it means to "shake the ground". She was facinated.
Then I told her that it came from the tribesman who herd elephants.

Then she clicked. Very funny to me.

Thats pretty close to fact , google it or check Wikipedia

[ynot slow]

Speed cameras will lower the road toll!!!!

[p.dath]

Thats pretty close to fact , google it or check Wikipedia

Now that would be funny. The story I made up turning out to be true! Oh wait, your probably trying to catch me out. Haha.

[LBD]

Brother and his mate at school discussing engines etc,brother had helped neighbour rebuild his motox bike.They conned another kid that diesels used spark plugs,another kid who lived on a farm said he had helped his dad change the massey fergys' sparkplugs on weekend.Was in 1975 and tractor was a fergy 135-165 diesel.Brother and his mate got good mileage out of that one for years.


I beleive he did help his brother change the spark plugs in his fathers Massey Fergison.... They came out both petrol and diesel. The petrol engine was the same as in the old Vangaurd car....

[dogsnbikes]

telling a couple of hospotality girls on the ferry about the INVISABLE DOLPHINS swimming along with the ship.....honestly didn't think they would broadcast it too the pasengers though:laugh:

[Headbanger]

I was removing loose rock face off the cliffs at Kangaroo point, Across the river from the Brisbane CBD. We were working out of a truck mounted cherry picker that went up the equal of 15 stories.

I got the operator to take it as high as she would go and we came up level with a group of people in the look out, all quite stunned when we appeared from below, they inquired as to what we were doing....

So I told them we were professionol snake hunters, and that a giant snake was thought to be taking refuge in the cliff. I told them it had already eaten 2 children but was being kept out of the news to avoid a panic, and that if we didn't catch it by the end of the day the area was going to be evacuated, everyone else would be locked down, the army would be called in and the cliffs would be blown with explosives.

Got a few queer looks, a chuckle or two, and a couple of women who sucked it all in and went right out of their tiny minds, ranting, raving, abusing me, and calling the police and the newspaper on their cell phones.

Thats right ladies, Giant people eating snakes on the loose at Southbank......

[ynot slow]

I beleive he did help his brother change the spark plugs in his fathers Massey Fergison.... They came out both petrol and diesel. The petrol engine was the same as in the old Vangaurd car....

Definately diesel this one,I asked the guys older brother who was in my class if the tractor was petrol or diesel.

Do you remember the first colour tvs in 1975,all those horny ladies thinking Murphy 12" was an irish porn star.

[LBD]

"I am a licenced motorcycle instructor, I agree with dangerousbastard, no point in repeating what he said."


That has to be the biggest line I have seen in recient times....

[SARGE]

I just say..

"running with scissors"


the looks on the faces are priceless..

(for those of you who know me thats funny as shit ..)

[The Stranger]

I wont cum in your mouth.

[bogan]

I wont cum in your mouth.

haha, and it never goes down well when the lie is exposed.




pun very much intended

[ajturbo]

there was this time in shantytown, on the west coast.
i was on the train going for a look with some AMERICANS (fat of cause) tourists,
luke and i saw a Kea running around (NOTE: this was around lunch time...) i said to luke very loudly, "hey luke, look at the KIWI" and pointed, well the americans couldn't get enough photo's... the train driver nearly fell out of the train he was laughing so much..... made his month i think.... dumb tourists..

then...

i have a scar on the side of my temple, a couple of young girls asked about it... told them i was shot durring the war.....
what war they asked....the Vietnam war, back in 1895.... ahahahahahahahahahh, frigin near wet myself with that one

[GurlRacer]

I told a bunch of Norwegians, Swedes, American's and Canadian's (I tend to have a lot visit me here...) about the "Kiwi Tree Bears" ...
They hide in trees, and at night, jump down on top of your head. Us Kiwi's have to stab them (the only way to kill them is with a knife), but you have to be careful because they have huge tusks and can really injure you... So, never walk alone at night unless you have a New Zealander with you! The Norwegians and Swedes couldn't care less (coz they have trolls) but the Americans and Canadian's stuck rather close to me... :lol:

And to reverse it, I told people in New Zealand (while I was living in Norway) that we have Polar Bears walking around the town :laugh:

Ahhh!

[MSTRS]

Now that would be funny. The story I made up turning out to be true! Oh wait, your probably trying to catch me out. Haha.
You do realise that the word 'gullible' is not in the dictionary?

I wont cum in your mouth.

Of course you won't. But will you still respect me in the morning?

[The Stranger]

You do realise that the word 'gullible' is not in the dictionary?


Of course you won't. But will you still respect me in the morning?

Of course I will respect you in the morning.


Did that sound convincing?

[Rodney007]

"my bike doesn't have a flywheel"

but chris took his of the vfr400 !?!?!?!

[MSTRS]

Of course I will respect you in the morning.


Did that sound convincing?

100% You've been practicing, haven't you?

[yungatart]

Whilst travelling to New Plymouth (via Taupo/Mt Mesenger) with my 10 y/o granddaughter in the car, she queried the reason for the large piles of rocks and gravel at the side of the road. I told her they were 'seed rocks' for the 'rock farms' in the area. Approaching Mt Messenger she commented on how old that rock farm must be because look at the size of the rocks!

On the return journey, I told her that the sheep in these parts (Awakino Gorge) have their left legs longer than their right legs so that they can walk around the hills without rolling down. Of course, she didn't believe me!

But stated a few k's futher on that she had seen some of those lopsided sheep....gotta love the littlies!

[Rodney007]

nah, thats not bullshit..... :sunny:

[steelestring]

I tell all trainee chefs that:

The stalks of mint and parsley are poisonous ... so make sure there is none in the pickings!!
It took a guy over 3 hours to pick a bag of mint once... evil... whole kitchen watched and had to keep a straight face.

I get a almost 100 percent hit rate with this... amybe because I have always got my game face on:angry:

[Laava]

Sending new recruit in Nat bank to BNZ bank to get some verbal agreement forms! They sent her to another bank, ASB, who filled her in on the joke where she promptly burst into tears and resigned. 1 day in!
Telling people in Egypt when they asked where in NZ we come from, that we live in a little place called barbeque area, just off the main rd!
Telling my Aussie son when he asked what we were having for pudding, sod all! Then having to string him out for ages about Sodall pudding!

[98tls]

Training a guy at work one day i said to him "go to the office and ask for a long weight',he was told sure have a seat,quite awhile later he came out of the office very red faced.

[Fatt Max]

When I was an apprentice sparky, I was told to go to the stores and get a box of short circuits....

Waited for 2 hours.....

What a....well, you can guess

[GurlRacer]

Ha - Long weight...

Dad once told his workmate to ring Palmers (one of their clients at the time) and ask for Teresa Green.... she didn't click til the clerk at the other end was pissing herself. He ran very fast out of that office... :lol:

[turtleman]

I once convinced a guy that if you piss on an electric fence it threw off really neat looking green and blue sparks.....

He won't try that again.... :no:

[vifferman]

Training a guy at work one day i said to him "go to the office and ask for a long weight',he was told sure have a seat,quite awhile later he came out of the office very red faced.
You sound like a guy I used to work with. My sister worked with him in a hardware store, and he always got the noobs to go and look on the shelves for items like left-handed hammers/screwdrivers, spotted/striped paint, sky hooks, etc. Because she told me all this, I was wise to him when I worked with him in a furniture store, but he was still funny. We had some pine shelving with the knots replaced with plugs of good wood; he told me one day, "They don't waste the knots - they're used elsewhere in the factory as arseholes for rocking horses."

Working on the gummint farm was always a source of ribald humour. One of the guys asked me one day if I had a hanky.
"Yeah, I do. Why?"
"That sheep has a runny nose - blow it would you?"

Electric fences were the best for a laugh. I was working once on the electric fence nearest the shed, which had a brand-new 8000V (but low amp) unit. I turned it off to work on the fence, and some clown turned it on again. Nearly dislocated my shoulder. Probably served me right, as I did the same thing to this lamb that was merrily pushing its way betwen two paddocks, under the bottom wire (bottom two weren't live, so long grass wouldn't short them out). That is, till I temporarily reconnected them.

But the best electric fence incident wasn't a prank. The pump shed was fenced off behind a hot wire so the cows wouldn't rub on the shed. One day, the pump stopped working, and one of my co-workers went to fix it. He had a monkey wrench in his back pocket, and as he bnet down to duck under the wire, the wrench - sticking up like an aerial - contacted the wire. He was convinced one of us kicked him up the butt!

[gatch]

I told some mates that POME (pronounced pom-ee) was the people that came from england on boats, because all they had to eat was pomegranates.

Fools

[tigertim20]

I wont cum in your mouth.


You do realise that the word 'gullible' is not in the dictionary?


Of course you won't. But will you still respect me in the morning?

Oh shit, if was sitting on a chair instead of laying in bed when I read that, I wouldve fallen off with laughter! Bling sent stranger.

[ynot slow]

The good old ring the pub,especially if a new barperson,well bar maid and ask if Michael Hunt is in the bar,she asks a couple of times,replies to me no one here,so I said oh he also goes by Mike,hear her say is Mike Hunt here,and shit load of laughter in background.

The electric fence is one which happened to me,was fixing a ballcock in a trough at dads place,had my girl who was 3yr or so with me,up to elbow in water and my darling slipped,reached up grabbed the wire accross trough and grabbed me.Thank god we were at end of farm,and the unit was not that powerfull,next job was fixing a few earth straps and rid the shorts.Still surprising how quick you can get from kneel to running in a fluent movement.

[marty]

That's an old Porky's gag.

In aviation, there's always a can of Prop Wash to get from stores.

or a long/short/medium weight.

or a sky hook.

or a short fuse.

We once told a newby that when a pilot selects reverse the propellors stop, then wind up backwards. He believed us for ages. Couldn't figure out how we could reverse the plane, but he couldn't see the props stop/change direction

[carverguy]

I worked for a govt agency, they requested unused office supplies to be sent to other offices and to make up a list. I listed excess paper and faxed 40 blank papers to each office. one duh duh faxed back a thnak you.? go figure.

[The Stranger]

Training a guy at work one day i said to him "go to the office and ask for a long weight',he was told sure have a seat,quite awhile later he came out of the office very red faced.

If someone sent me for a long weight I'd get them a sash weight (http://www.mightonproducts.com/catalog/steel-sash-weight-p-87.html).

[Surly Rubec]

Way back when I worked at Tuai Power Station, a story went round of an apprentice who ended up with a sack of blown light bulbs. After a major replacment session. On enquiring on what to with blown bulbs, he was sent to shift operator in the dog box, who repaired them. The Shifty who was forwarned greeted him and advised him to come back for the repairs the next day. Which he off coarse, he replaced from the stores.
To make a long story longer, it was forgotten that apprentices at that time were required to furnish a weekly/monthly (whatever) report on their experiences. This report was signed by his controlling officer without him even reading it. The rest of this story I leave to your imagination.
Regards Brucie

[Dave Lobster]

About twenty years ago I convinced a girl that ginga people have a similar chromosome imbalance as people with Down's syndrome.

I didn't see her for about ten years after that.. during which time she went off and trained to be a nurse (or something like that..). She went fucking apeshit when she saw me again. She'd retold my wind up in front of the whole class, as truth. Not amused..

I still chuckle about it now..

[MisterD]

I can't believe that Flatcap hasn't posted in here yet...I've never met anyone with such an ability to make up complete bullshit and relay it in a convincing manner...

Roy Orbison is a Kiwi is the best that I've witnessed and been sucker enough to actually think about for a minute (nah!...is he?...he isn't, is he?..is he?..) Others in that drinking session swallowed hook, line and sinker.

(He's from Texas BTW, Orbison that is, not Flatcap. He's from Hokitika Beach)

[Winter]

Im a pretty honest guy. There are only 3 lies I would ever tell a woman.

#1, I wont cum in your mouth.

#2, I'll only rub it on your arsehole.

#3, I love you.

[Fatt Max]

Im a pretty honest guy. There are only 3 lies I would ever tell a woman.

#1, I wont cum in your mouth.

#2, I'll only rub it on your arsehole.

#3, I love you.

You sir are a pillar of honesty, integrity and.....well......shit really. Let's face it, we've all broken them classics (as recent as this morning for me actually)

[Flatcap]

I can't believe that Flatcap hasn't posted in here yet...I've never met anyone with such an ability to make up complete bullshit and relay it in a convincing manner...

Roy Orbison is a Kiwi is the best that I've witnessed and been sucker enough to actually think about for a minute (nah!...is he?...he isn't, is he?..is he?..) Others in that drinking session swallowed hook, line and sinker.

(He's from Texas BTW, Orbison that is, not Flatcap. He's from Hokitika Beach)


Talking convincing bollocks is an art

[Dave Lobster]

I've never met anyone with such an ability to make up complete bullshit and relay it in a convincing manner...


You've never met Ray Kemp then?

First one I've heard of.... That's never happened before.. It must have been the way you put it together... We've done enough R&D...