Best line you've ever given a cop?

[marie_speeds]

Driving home late last night after collecting drunken idiot at 2 am, I was pulled over. Not being in the best of moods, window goes down and I state "Yes, I wasn't speeding". Cop says "do you know you have a brake light out?" So I sarcastically replied "No I didn't, and that is on account of the fact that I sit in the car I don't bloody run behind it".....
He looked at me, still in my pj's, smiled and said..."Goodnight, remember to get it fixed"....

[Dave Lobster]

"Why were you moving around in your lane so much?"
"Are you serious???"

[ynot slow]

Cop-"Why are you driving"

Me-"To pissed to walk",think taxi would've been cheaper though.

[nadroj]

Cop: "Please say your name and address".

Motorist: "Your name and address".

[ajturbo]

Fuck off.....

[Scuba_Steve]

Cop: "I almost got killed trying to keep up with you"
Me: ":laugh: yea I know"

(She tried to commit suicide by via an 18 wheeler, and didn't even get to issue a ticket)

[nodrog]

Goodafterble Constanoon.

[Dave Lobster]

"It takes a long time to stop when you're going that fast, doesn't it?"
"I didn't ease off the throttle 'til I was sure you weren't holding a speed gun"

[Pussy]

Cop: " Would you blow in to this bag, please?"

Me: " Why, are your chips too hot??"

[Maha]

Cop..''So whats with the speed then''?

Me...''Whats with the silly hat''?

[MSTRS]

"I don't blow, Officer. I only suck."

Actually, I never said that, but I know who did...

[Trudes]

When I was about 18 I drove a Ute, you had to hold it in first and was a good old Toyota-go-until-you-drown-it Hilux. Anyway.... went to a funeral of a friend of a friend and at the wake or whatever the pissup after is called we ran out of beer. I was a sober driver so said I'd do the beer run, but needed some help with the beer. So had 2 in the cab with me and 4 on the flat deck. Went to liquor store, bought 2 kegs and was merely on our way back when I got pulled up for going a little over the speed limit. When asked why I was speeding and what's with all the people and the kegs I replied that we were at a funeral and we were all really sad. Hey, it worked, he let me go but told me to make sure I found another way of securing my kegs to the back of my ute next time instead of taking people to hold them on!!! Ha, gotta love Gissy!! Wouldn't get away with it these days, too PC to be allowed to ride in the back of a ute, let alone rooting in one!:wings:

[Subike]

Cunstable, "Why the speed sir"

Driver " Im fucking your wife, thought you were chasing me to give me the bash"

[MSTRS]

Cunstable, "Why the speed sir"

Driver " Im fucking your wife, thought you were chasing me to give me the bash"

or - "My wife ran away with a copper. I thought you were him, trying to give her back"

[dogsnbikes]

Got pulled over 2am one saturday morning In Howick

Cop: We just seen you leave the pub,you have a tail light out have you been drinking??

Me: Yep Thats why I go too the pub,yes the tail light just went out.

Cop: Can you blow into the bag.................Thanks that looks like a failed,stay there I'll be back...

Cop: You've already been breathtested tonight at 10pm

Me: Nah that was yesterday Mate

Cop laugh and said "best excuse I've herd yet,give me your keys and I dont want too see you before 3pm to get them back"

NO tciket NOthing :woohoo:

[riffer]

Not quite giving a line to a cop but many moons ago (26 years actually) I was busted doing a stand-up wheelie past my then girlfriend's house in Oxford Terrace, Naenae, on my then brand-new GPZ750R.

Ended up in Lower Hutt District Court on a Reckless Driving charge, in front of two old biddies back when the JPs did traffic charges.

I went into a long detailed explanation about cleaning the carbies, and how the throttle had stuck WFO when I was taking the bike for a test run after the cleanout, which ended up with the old biddies chastising the copper about how he'd added insult to injury for this poor 18-year-old who must have been absolutely terrified and had only just managed to stay on his motorcycle in the face of a horrendous machine malfunction!

I bet that wouldn't happen now...

[Big Dave]

The District Commander handed me a slab of Crayfish he had pulled out of the BOP whilst diving that morning, right off the BBQ hot plate, as I was reclined on his poolside lounge chair, watching the glistening sun set, and I said:

'Mighty fine town you're running here Sheriff.'

[MSTRS]

My brother got pulled in the wee hours, absolutely legless he was.
"Occupation?"
"Auditor. Currently doing you lot."
"That so? OK. On your way."

[red mermaid]

Me; So how much have you had to drink.

Driver; Just a couple

Me; So was that glasses, jugs or kegs?

They have only ever had a couple.

[Scuba_Steve]

Me; So how much have you had to drink.

Driver; Just a couple

Me; So was that glasses, jugs or kegs?

They have only ever had a couple.

good follow up question :yes: But you missed out "40s" :drinkup:

[Maha]

True story from ex mother n' law bless 'er
Gets pulled over by a cop just after leaving the citz club in Rotorua.
After blowing in the bag...

Cop: ''I now require you to accompany me to police station''
Pat: ''Ok, shall I just follow you then''?

[scumdog]

Goodafterble Constanoon.

A lot of the time it's drunks that try that - and a lot of the time they don't get it right!

Oh, heard an awful lot of these 'best lines' and though I bet they think they're the first to say (or try to) these amazingly cutting/witty lines...:zzzz:

[scumdog]

Me; So how much have you had to drink.

Driver; Just a couple

Me; So was that glasses, jugs or kegs?

They have only ever had a couple.


It's ALWAYS 'a couple''

Drink kills the part of the mind that enables people to count accurately.:yes:

[Mully]

Got waved over yesterday to get a pep talk by ACC about how I should wear hi-viz. The Police were there too - presumably to protect the ACC bloke from angry motorcyclists who were minding their own business and got held up for 5 minutes to be patronised at..... anyway, I digress.

Putting my gear back on

Officer: That's a nice bike, 1400, eh?
Me: Yeah. Does the job, bit of overkill for commuting but oh well
Officer: Goes alright?
Me: Well, only up to the speed limit. Over that, I dunno.
Officer: Yeah, something like that. Have a nice day
Me: You too.

I've always wanted to use the Police 10-7 line: "Oh, I was gonna cane it, and he wouldn't have caught me in this" *points to Honda Integra*

Specifically, I've always wanted to do that in our 1994 Auto 1.6l Corolla - just to give the cop a bit of a laugh. But as I'm a law abiding citizen, I haven't been pulled over in it.

[nadroj]

"I don't blow, Officer. I only suck."

Actually, I never said that, but I know who did...

Intimately?

[Gwinch]

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[Cr1MiNaL]

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"


How is a police car like a women?
It flashes and It usually has a d*ck in it.


There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.
"YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer.
"Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."

I was once mailed a picture of my car speeding through a speed camera.
A $80 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, I sent the police department a picture of $80.
The police infringement bureau responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.



NZ POLICE OFFICER: "We arrested this man beating the living daylights out of some poor slob for no reason at all! What should we charge him with?"
DESK SERGEANT: "Impersonating an Officer."

[slofox]

Few years back now, but was returning to The Tron from d'Auckland in the wee hours. There was a checkpoint in Huntly. At 2.00am in the friggin' morning...but then it WAS Huntly wannit?

Copper comes up with a smart comment...'Ahhhh...Mr slofox is it? Going slow then are we?" (Reg plate is SLOFOX).

Me, thinking quickly, "Yea I was going slow but if ya give me a head start I'll go fast for ya..."

Copper, very serious all of a sudden, "Just say your name into this machine please".

No sense of humour at all...and after he bloody started is as well...

[scumdog]

Since (as usual) we're not quite on topic.

Me: "You didn't stop at the Stop sign sir, that's why I stopped you.".

Him: "Aw shit, I almost stopped, what's the difference, it's near enough."

Me: "Well if I got out my baton and started beating the tar out of your head which would you rather I did, stop or almost stop..."

[slofox]

Since (as usual) we're not quite on topic.

Me: "You didn't stop at the Stop sign sir, that's why I stopped you.".

Him: "Aw shit, I almost stopped, what's the difference, it's near enough."

Me: "Well if I got out my baton and started beating the tar out of your head which would you rather I did, stop or almost stop..."

If you wanna get people for not stopping at stop signs, come spend time up here...I reckon I am the last person left in town who actually stops...:angry:

[jasonu]

Cop.Why did you pull a wheelie?
C.T. Didn't you see that car full of hot chicks? I got a boner and it got caught in the handle bars and made the front wheel come up.

Not mine, a story from a guy I knew, Craig Tasker. Probably bullshit but funny anyway.

Another one from an old mate who got pulled up on the Auck water front for speeding.
The cop started with a condesending toned question loke 'do you know how fast you were going' blah blah.
My mate says 'if you are going to give me a ticket then hurry up and write it, if not can I go now?
He got a ticket...

[Owl]

I knew I guy once that fell asleep drunk in his ute, right outside his house.

Cop opens the door, drunk drops can, wakes up and says "Aw fuck, yer spilt my piss yer cunt".

:facepalm:

[Maha]

Drunk dude ''You got room for a six pack and a pizza''?
Scumdog ''Yeah mate just get in the bloody car alright, opps mind ya head''
Drunk dude :puke:

[FJRider]

It's ALWAYS 'a couple''

Drink kills the part of the mind that enables people to count accurately.:yes:

I've noticed that ... a couple of times ... :innocent:

[scumdog]

Another one from an old mate who got pulled up on the Auck water front for speeding.
The cop started with a condesending toned question loke 'do you know how fast you were going' blah blah.
My mate says 'if you are going to give me a ticket then hurry up and write it, if not can I go now?
He got a ticket...

In my line of work it is referred to as "Talking himself into a ticket"

Not sure why they do it...

[MIXONE]

In my line of work it is referred to as "Talking himself into a ticket"

Not sure why they do it...

On the other side of the fence for me it's "Yes sir.no sir,3 bags full sir".Being a smartarse with a copper is a guaranteed way to increase your level of shit.(A lesson I learnt the hard way as a young feller).

[Dave Lobster]

On the other side of the fence for me it's "Yes sir.no sir,3 bags full sir".Being a smartarse with a copper is a guaranteed way to increase your level of shit.(A lesson I learnt the hard way as a young feller).

It's very difficult not to sometimes.
I was talking to one on the phone the other week, and giving him an email address to send me something. Replies:
"dot com.. is that all one word?"
Asking me such a fucking stupid question.. I mean, come on..
"er.. dot, as in, full stop.. ?!"
"Smart guy, huh?"
"mmm.. smart enough to know that..."

[Toaster]

Cop: " Would you blow in to this bag, please?"

Me: " Why, are your chips too hot??"

Just the pie mate, just the pie.

[Toaster]

In my line of work it is referred to as "Talking himself into a ticket"

Not sure why they do it...

Stupidity. That is why.

[Shadows]

By far the best one I've heard came from my daughter who was 5 at the time.
Just when the cop stuck his head in the window to talk to me she cried out at full volume from the back seat "just tell him to fuck off, Daddy!"
The cop cracked up laughing and sent me on my way. He must have thought I was a model parent though.

[Toaster]

good follow up question :yes: But you missed out "40s" :drinkup:

And table-sucking. Or was that just Upper Hutt in the 80s?

[Maha]

Man..''Is that a truncheon in your pants or are you just pleased to see me''
Cop....''no its a Mars Bar''.

[jasonu]

I heard this on talk back radio from a cop.
One ANZAC day around noon he had pulled an old couple as their car was weaving. He asked the old guy driving where he had been.
'At the dawn parade' the old guy replies.
'Been to the rassa afterwards?' asks the cop.
'Yes'
'Had anything to drink sir?'
'One or two' says the old guy
Then his wife pipes up and says
'you lying sod Fred, you've had six!'

True or not, still funny stuff

[swbarnett]

Pulled up beside one at the lights after following them for a while and observing some very bad lane changes. I asked him how he expected other drivers to follow the indication laws if he didn't lead by example and indicate every manouvre. I got the reply in a very restrained voice "Thank you sir, good day". The cop in the passenger seat was finding it very hard to not burst out laughing.

[Hugo Nougo]

Back in another lifetime I passed a cop going the other way, I was doing about 160kph so no surprise the lights come on and the chase was on, I turned off onto the road to Hamner Springs and turned the wick up... unfortunately the motor responded by coughing and spluttering, 2 plug caps had popped off, the cop pulled up to find me pulling the tank off the bike, when he asked why I was speeding I told him because the bike was only running on 2 and I was aiming for 240kph, luckily he had a sense of humour and only gave me a ticket for the 160, he wrote on the ticket ; reason given for speeding - bike not running well. I still have the ticket.

[ellipsis]

...thanks..

[cowboyz]

true story..

I got pulled over following meanie at 120ish k/hr with wife on back

cop walks up and goes....

going a bit quick.. any reason why I shouldnt give you a ticket.

I went.. yeah.. if you do Im not gonna get laid for a month!

He laughed and went back to his patrol car and left.

(I run out of gas about 2 k up the road..... karma? speeding is bad!)

[rwh]

Man..''Is that a truncheon in your pants or are you just pleased to see me''
Cop....''no its a Mars Bar''.

That or something very similar was on an episode of The Thin Blue Line - from (W)PC Habib to PC Goody.

Richard

[Maha]

That or something very similar was on an episode of The Thin Blue Line - from (W)PC Habib to PC Goody.

Richard

Exactly right, Habeeb saying it to Kevin.

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[awayatc]

read NZ Cops quoting somewhere best lines they heard and let people off with....

Country cop pulling over pimplebum going to fast:

"I have been waiting for you all day boy"
Answer:
Sorry I got here as fast as I could officer....

[superman]

Since (as usual) we're not quite on topic.

Me: "You didn't stop at the Stop sign sir, that's why I stopped you.".

Him: "Aw shit, I almost stopped, what's the difference, it's near enough."

Me: "Well if I got out my baton and started beating the tar out of your head which would you rather I did, stop or almost stop..."

Ooo stop sign tickets are ridiculous! I hope you only issue them if they didn't stop and had a dangerous pull out. Not if they pulled out without any traffic coming at a stop sign where you can actually see from a slow roll...

[awayatc]

not a line, but still funny I thought....

Bike ride in Taranaki yesterday with well over 50 bikes, mostly Harleys with lots of halfhelmets and facemasks.
Paddywagon in front got passed at great rate of knots by the whole string.....
Halfway He pulled over to let ous pass...AND call in to warn his mates ahead in Hawera .
While we all refueled and parked up on main drag to regroup,Police vehicles were cruising up and down like sheepdogs eyeing a herd of buffalo,
Police cruisers in wait on way out of town.....
Just to make sure we left....?

[rwh]

Dad had an amusing story from a checkpoint ...

Officer: Evening sir, have you had any alcohol before drinking tonight?

Dad: No, have you?!

Apparently he straightened up and gazed off down the road with an expression that said "it's been a long night".

Richard

[Jdogg]

I guess my one time that I have given it to "the man" goes a little like this.

5am central Auckland at traffic lights (red) heading towards Greys ave, I see said copper at the lights at bottom of the greys ave, my light goes green I cruise off slowly, as soon as I went past him and start tuning right to go up greys ave, he slams on the anchors spins around at sets off after me (wtf) My work was bout half way up the street so I stop in the work driveway, conversation went like this

-Good Cop: going a bit fast there weren't you
Me: Nope would have been 45-50ks
Good Cop: No you were going at least 70k
Me: Did you get me on your radar (He hadn't, as my V1 did make a noise)
Good Cop: No
Me: Did you get a tracking history while following me and pace my speed out that way?
Good Cop: No
Me: So I wasn't speeding??

Now things get interesting with the bad cop that decided he need to show Good Cop how shit is done!!
*Good cop goes to check license and check car over*

Bad Cop: You were bloody flying mate, at least 70k+
ME: really??? when I saw you while I was stopped at the red light??
Bad cop: Yes, you were going fast enough for me to turn around and chase you
Me: wouldn't think so, def 50k at the most, Im not stupid enough to speed in front of a police car!!
Bad cop: Mate you were fucking flying (his words) I have been policing this area for 17 years and I know when someone is speeding!!
ME: So you got me on radar?? or vehicle pace check??
Bad Cop: No
ME: So how do you know I was speeding??
Bad cop: because I am the police and I am trained to tell when people are speeding and you were go so fast enough for me to turn around and chase you!!
Me: Actually officer, you saw a black sports car at 5am with a youngish looking person wearing a hoodie and you thought it would be an easy cop to finish the shift with....guess you were wrong!!
Bad cop: *Foaming at the mouth* Im the one who has to tell your wife you have died in a crash cause you drive like a fucking idiot and if you keep driving like that you are going to die and I for one wont be sad about it!!
Me: But I wasn't speeding......and Im not married.....and you have had your fifteen minutes of my time, So please have a great day and I hope I never have to deal with you again.

And with that I jumped into my car opened up the carpark building garage and went to work. I Bet good cop learnt some valuable lessons on how to deal with the public that night, Do not judge someone by their appearance and for the record I WAS Defiantly not speeding I had genuinely seen him before I even got a green light, he was really just hoping I was a 20 year old punk that would meekly except a ticket

[Oakie]

Well I haven't used it yet but I came up with this one on the way home one day...

"Sorry officer, but my wife just sent me a provocative pxt and invited me home for some afternoon delight. Unfortunately I have erectile disfunction so I'm trying to race home before my stiffy goes away". Just hope the officer doesn't ask for further evidence... although I do have an appropriate pxt or two to support that part of the story ... :devil2:

[Owl]

I guess my one time that I have given it to "the man" goes a little like this.

The OP said best line...........not fucken novel:yawn:

[Jdogg]

The OP said best line...........not fucken novel:yawn:


Hey Im new to this :bleh: and to be fair, you need the whole story to get the picture :msn-wink: plus I was bored , sue me :niceone:

[jasonu]

Hey Im new to this :bleh: and to be fair, you need the whole story to get the picture :msn-wink: plus I was bored , sue me :niceone:

I liked it.

[Latte]

"Do you know how fast you were going sir?"

..." 50, maybe 55".... (while trying to hide my grin).

The cop left without saying a word.

He could hear my detector bleeping - showing we both knew he hadn't turned the radar on until I was doing ~ 50.

[aprilia_RS250]

Friend had bought a new bike few years back. Went over to SH18 near Albany to see how fast she can go. No traffic, it's like 3am on a Monday morning. Absolutely flooring it passes a car just before an overbridge maxing it out at 300kph. Goes to the caltex station to fill her up, this car pulls in. He shits himself when he sees it's a mufty holden! Female officer jumps out and goes "phew it's quiet tonight, need a coffee to stay awake" and gives him a wink and walks off. Could be horse shit, but have heard of cops catching people at 250kph and fining them for doing 140...

[phill-k]

horse shit..

that about sums it up