One for Hitcher...

[Waylander]

The English language...

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak
fluent English, you must be a genius!? This little treatise on the
lovely language we share is only for the brave.? Peruse at your
leisure,
English lovers. Reasons why the English language is
so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or
French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while
sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers
write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't
ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy
that you can make amends but not one amend.


If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it? Is it
an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do
people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send
cargo by ship??

Have noses that run and feet that smell?? How can a slim chance and
a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are
opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out,
and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

[Wolf]

And both "flammable" and "inflammable" are synonyms while "articulate" and "inarticulate" are antonyms.

This stick, sir, will you break?
And soon the stick he broke.

This coat, sir, will you make?
And soon the coat was moke?

This horse, sir, will you shoe?
And soon the horse was shod.

This deed, sir, will you do?
And soon the deed was dod?

[hXc]

Nice one guys. Bit of a laugh.
Might go down two the steakhouse four a peace of stake and sum chips.
Why is it that thought, though and tough all have the same letters but none of them sound the same!!!

[Eurodave]

Why is 'phonetics' spelt with a 'ph'' & not an 'f'????

[onearmedbandit]

Why is 'phonetics' spelt with a 'ph'' & not an 'f'????

Best of them all. Sums it up quite nicely.

[Phurrball]

Indeed it would seem that English is one of the more bastardised languages out there.

A great spring-board to learn another language from, but I pity those 'expected' to learn English merely because it has become a de facto international Lingua franca. [I rest my case about the origins of English...]

Why should it be that way around; why do native English speakers seem to be reluctant when it comes to learning/using [an]other language[s]?

The written form of the language has a lot to answer for looking at the examples provided...perhaps George Bernard Shaw had a point in striving for a 42 letter phonemic alphabet?

My humble musings anyway...I'm only an interested amateur...

Funny, though, how we interpret what's on the page [Apologies if you've seen this one before...]

"Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist
and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. ceehiro
That'll fcuk the splelchekcer"

Perhaps nature makes the best case for simplicity: a 4 letter alphabet of ACG and T. :yes:

[Wolf]

perhaps George Bernard Shaw had a point in striving for a 42 letter phonemic alphabet?
As much as I love the English language's foibles and am a stickler for NZ spelling over US spelling, I am all for a 42-letter phonemic alphabet and truly phonetic (fonetik?) spelling - not the half-arsed version the Americans use (sorry, but spelling all ise/ize words as "-ize" and dropping the u out of a large number of words does not constitute "simplified spelling, no matter what Webster claimed.)

At 2 years old, my oldest son could recite the alphabet, he now also knows it in sign. I'm not bragging, I'm pointing out how simple the 26 letters of our alphabet are to learn - now what would be harder: learning how to spell the multitude of weird English words or learning another 16 letters in the aim of a phonetic alphabet?

German, French, Maori and even Welsh are phonetic - once you learn how the letters are pronounced.

If we shifted to a phonetic alphabet, America and Britain would each have several written dialects, Aus would have a couple and we'd be different - spelling would depend on how the locals pronounce the words - but we'd all be able to understand it and (when sounding out the words in our heads) hear their accent.

Either that or we adopt a standardised spelling (and therefore pronunciation) across the entire "English speaking" world - which means the Americans would finally have to learn to speak properly :devil2:

[Sniper]

Oh God, I can see this going on for a while. Well done WL

Sniper

[Sniper]

And my one!!!!!!!!!! Hahahaha :devil2:

One fine day in the middle of the night
Two dead men got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other

Hahaha :devil2:

Sorry, Im in that mood :rofl:

[Waylander]

Oh God, I can see this going on for a while. Well done WL

Sniper
Lol you know, all that is alot crazier to read drunk? Some of it is making sense though so it might be time to put the JD in the freezer for another night...

BTW Wolf, you could look at it this way; the alphebet as it is aswell as the entire "english" language is hard enough as it is but atleast when a drunk is talking to you, you can understand what he is saying once you get past the slur. If you start adding other letters and such then you probably wouldn't be able to understand what I am typing right now let alone what it would be like if I were talking.:weird: think on that.

[Beemer]

Did you know that the combination 'ough' can be pronounced in nine different ways?

The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

My surname contains the 'ough' and in this instance it is pronouced 'ock' - makes for some interesting pronunciations! I have been made to sound Indian and Samoan... :rofl:

[hXc]

What about lisp?? You wouldn't want to go into a vodafone shop and have to ask for a Sony Ericson if you had a lisp. I think it is the cruelist word in the English language as people with one can't even say it!

[Wolf]

Did you know that the combination 'ough' can be pronounced in nine different ways?

The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

My surname contains the 'ough' and in this instance it is pronouced 'ock' - makes for some interesting pronunciations! I have been made to sound Indian and Samoan... :rofl:
Thanks Beemer, I keep forgetting two of the pronunciations and come up with seven.

Then there're words that are pronounced the same but spelled differently. If we can successfully comprehend, when listening, the distinction between the bough of a tree, the bow of a boat and taking a bow (two spellings, three meanings), then I'm sure we could cope with a fonetik riten langwij.

[Wolf]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru and ve vil al be using German lik vas originali sugested.

[MSTRS]

Thanks Beemer, I keep forgetting two of the pronunciations and come up with seven.

Then there're words that are pronounced the same but spelled differently. If we can successfully comprehend, when listening, the distinction between the bough of a tree, the bow of a boat and taking a bow (two spellings, three meanings), then I'm sure we could cope with a fonetik riten langwij.
Just to be a bastard - you forget the 'e' softens the 'i' unless the consonant between them is doubled. Hence 'ritten' would be correct

[Wolf]

Just to be a bastard - you forget the 'e' softens the 'i' unless the consonant between them is doubled. Hence 'ritten' would be correct
Come, now, I am sure that "rule" is broken somewhere.

Teacher to class: Did you know "sugar" is the only word in the English language where S U is pronounced S H U?

Smart-arse Student: Are you sure?

[bugjuice]

and no mention of their, there and they're..

[MSTRS]

and no mention of their, there and they're..
You're not supposed to be so provocative in your posts

[bugjuice]

You're not supposed to be so provocative in your posts
bugger, sorry.. it's friday mornin.. I'm still asleep, not thinking.. I'll try not to let that happen again..

[MSTRS]

bugger, sorry.. it's friday mornin.. I'm still asleep, not thinking.. I'll try not to let that happen again..
Fret thee not good sir. 'Tis but the you're your yawn thing :whistle:

[yungatart]

Just to be a bastard - you forget the 'e' softens the 'i' unless the consonant between them is doubled. Hence 'ritten' would be correct
Actually, the correct term is "shortened", the double tt shortens the i, not softens.
Don't take offence MSTRS- harden up!

[MSTRS]

Actually, the correct term is "shortened", the double tt shortens the i, not softens.
Don't take offence MSTRS- harden up!
That stutter you have is most unfortunate

[Hitcher]

The English language is a bit like PowerPoint -- it tends to get slagged off by incompetent users...

[Wolf]

The English language is a bit like PowerPoint -- it tends to get slagged off by incompetent users...
GB Shaw - incompetent... who'd'a' thunked it. :devil2:

Tell me, Hitcher, ever read any of Lederer's "Anguished English" books? I suspect "yes" and if "no", then I think you'd enjoy them. I also have "Crazy English" as well, filled with some great warped takes on our "muvver tongue" - like an entire treatise on how this farmer was concerned about the foxen getting into the hen hice...

I love the English Language - one of the best playgrounds in the World for a growing lad. (Regrettably not as safe as, say, the local landfill, but all the more fun because of that.)

[Hitcher]

May I recommend, in turn, Bill Bryson's Troublesome Words, Penguin, 1984, ISBN 0-14-026640-2

[Wolf]

May I recommend, in turn, Bill Bryson's Troublesome Words, Penguin, 1984, ISBN 0-14-026640-2
Already have it. I also have books with such titles as "Curious words", "Dictionary of archaic words", "Superior Person's book of words" (had to get that one, being superior, and all :devil2: ) On the whole I have around twenty dictionaries, word/phrase origin books, grammar books and English language use and abuse books - and then there's my foreign language collection...

I read dictionaries for fun. (OK, I know Ubergeek alert!)

[Dodger]

Why is English so difficult?

Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English;

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind!

For example... If you have a rough cough, climbing can
be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language!

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England and French Fries actually come from Belgium.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites? If Dad is Pop, how come Mom isn't Mop? I can't explain why? Can you?

[Maha]

Love to hear Elmer Fudd have a go at a few of those.....:yes:
When he sings the Christmas Carol 'Walking in a Winter Wonderwand' yea thats pretty cool...:yes:

[idleidolidyll]

the teacher said that that that that that boy said was wrong....................

[MyGSXF]

:killingme VERY good Dodger!!!! & VERY true.. :sick: I have always had a good grasp on the English language.. but seeing it written so clearly & all together like that, shows just how ferked English is!! :wacko: no wonder so many of our kids struggle at school!!! :confused:

[onearmedbandit]

And yet we take the piss out of people who are trying to learn the language, meanwhile most of us can't use it properly either.

[Motu]

The English language is like some of my bikes - built up out of so many different parts that it can be hard to see what it originaly started out as.But someone who knows their bike parts can figure it out....pity I don't know much about language.

But punctuation is the key - and so many people have lost all clues about punctuation that it can be really difficult to read their posts.

[Mr Merde]

The English language is like some of my bikes - built up out of so many different parts that it can be hard to see what it originaly started out as.But someone who knows their bike parts can figure it out....pity I don't know much about language.

But punctuation is the key - and so many people have lost all clues about punctuation that it can be really difficult to read their posts.

Motu, I agree with you wholeheartedly. I try to punctuate corectly but dont always get it right. The nuns, who initially taught me, would be disgusted with my written English as it stands now.

[Bren]

................


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP,meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is itUPto the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UPtrouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We openUPa store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP,you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,for now my time is UP, so............ it is time to shut UP......!

[MisterD]

Indeed it would seem that English is one of the more bastardised languages out there.

Bastardised? Only by the Americans and txt-speakers...I think the term you're actually looking for is "mongrel vigour".

Example: "craft" and "skill", one of saxon heritage the other norse have now come to have slightly different meanings. You don't get that richness anywhere else.

At least with English, you don't have all those ridiculous verb tenses and genders...