Texmo's joke thread.

[texmo]

Scince I post at least a joke a day, I have decided to make a pure joke thread instead of flooding the jokes forum due to snipers advice.... enjoy the jokes

[texmo]

A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year. After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says, “More blankets.” Another year passes, and he visits the head monk and says, “More food.” The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he’s drained by the long work days. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, “I’m leaving.” “Good,” the head monk replies. “You’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here.”

[texmo]

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.



Man who stand on toilet high on pot.



It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!



Man who jizz in cash register come into money.



Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.



Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.



Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.



Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.



Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.



Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.



Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.



Learn to masturbate--come in handy.



Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.



Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.



Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.



Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.



He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.



Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.



Better to be pissed off than pissed on.



He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.



Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.



Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.



Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak.



Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.



Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.



Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.



Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.



He who run behind bus get exhausted.



Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.



Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.



He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.



Man who puts dick in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts

[texmo]

10) MTV actually played videos in the 80's.



9) There were only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swish), and they didn't cost $125.



8) A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.



7) In the 80's playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.



6) In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell.



5) In the 80s we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school -- unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.



4) Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. NSync. New Edition vs. Hanson. OK, that one's a draw.



3) In the early 80's there were kids in your high school who could BUY ALCOHOL LEGALLY.



2) Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.



1) In the 80's you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time.

[texmo]

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"Because I married his widow."

[texmo]

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads,' For Women Only'. Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in.

The desk clerk, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. 'We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside.'

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads,' All the men here have it short and thin.'

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads,' All the men here have it long and thin.'

Still, this wasn't good enough, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, 'All the men here have it short and thick.'

This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.

On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. 'All the men here have it long and thick.'

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they were missing, they go to the fifth floor, where the sign reads, 'There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman.'

[texmo]

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

[texmo]

I am a very tall man (6'10").

I was once on a flight from Auckland, New Zealand to a small town way down on the extreme souther tip of the South Island called Invercargill.

The plane I was flying in was very old propellar driven thing, I think it was a C47 Goonie Bird.

The toilet was certainly not designed for a guy my size because the bowl was against the far wall, but the ceiling curved backwards. I found myself leaning way back like I was doing the limbo and trying to urinate at the same time.

Being a propellar driven plane, we hit a bit of turbulance. Because I was leaning backwards so much, put my left hand behind me to brace myself against the door and continued to urinate.

My left hand accidentally hit the door latch and I fell backwards into the aisle and every passenger turned around to see me laying in the aisle with my penis in my hand and I could not stop urinating for the life of me.

I got back into the toilet and composed myself. After another 10 minutes, i returned to my seat and everyone started to applaud.

One old man thanked me for the funiest sight he had seen in all of his life.

I have never returned to New Zealand since.

[texmo]

woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

[Coyote]

:rofl: Subscribed to thread :niceone:

[texmo]

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

[texmo]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[texmo]

don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

[texmo]

1. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills and kills you with his bills.

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without
passing through "the minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power...

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

30. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......

[texmo]

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

[texmo]

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:" I've come for some courage." "NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., I... think I
need a brain." "DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND
POWERFUL OZ?" Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?, Bill says.

[texmo]

At school, a teacher tried little Jhonny's math skills.

Teacher : If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Johnny : Seven!

Teacher : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Johnny : Seven!

Teacher : Let's try this another way. If I give you two pieces of candy,
two pieces of candy, and another two pieces of candy, how many pieces of candy have you got?

Johnny : Six.

Teacherr : Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Johnny : Seven!

Teacher : How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Johnny : I've already got one rabbit at home!

[texmo]

My son woke me up in the middle of the night.

"Dad, my penis hurts! It's sticking out and it won't stop."

"Don't worry son, it's perfectly normal.

When you get to be grandpa's age and it doesn't stick out, that's when it hurts."

[texmo]

In a perfumery:

Woman: What do you suggest is a nice perfume for him?

Sales Lady: How about the bottle of Jungle Passion? It'll release the tiger in your husband!

Woman: Hmm... that's too much for him. What do you have for a Pussycat?

Sales Lady: Ooohhh!

[texmo]

Hi Mike! I haven't seen you since we were in the High School Debating Team.

Yeah, and I haven't won a debate since.

Since you left school?

No, since I got married.

[texmo]

The minister asked the congregation, "Those who want to go to heaven, please rise."

All but one man, a redneck rose.

Then the minister asked, "Those who want to go to hell, please stand. Nobody rose.

The puzzled minister stared down at the redneck and asked where he wanted to go.

"Nowhere," said this fellow. "I like it here."

[texmo]

On my son's seventeenth birthday, I told him that I realized he would probably start smoking soon.

"Promise you'll tell me yourself." I begged, "instead of letting me hear it from the neigbors."

"Don't worry about me, mom," he said.

"I quit smoking a year ago."

[texmo]

My daughter's junior-high school gym class is made up of girls from the seventh, eighth and ninth grades.

After taking physical fitness tests in accordance with the government's physical fitness program, my own youngster, a slender twelve-year old, came home exhausted.

"We had to see who could do the most push-ups." She said, "and it's just not fair! The girls with the big chests didn't have nearly so far to go to touch the floor."

[texmo]

I just came arcoss this, I know its old and probly a repost but I liked it so I though I might throw it in for good measure....

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying: "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son: "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say: "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. "
She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. "
As the mother began to smile, the child added: "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

[yungatart]

The Great Australian Yarn

Len Evans, restaurateur, wine writer and raconteur, used to write a column for The Australian newspaper, and over a period of weeks, sought entries for the Great Australian Yarn.

This was the winner:

Two drovers standing in a bar.

One asked, "What are you up to?"

"Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah . . . and what route are you takin'?"



"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

[texmo]

A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.

"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"

The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.

"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.

"Is there time?" asks the priest.

[texmo]

As Jesus was hanging on the cross, he shouted for Peter. Peter said "I'm here lord!" And Jesus said "Peter, Peter..." and Peter tried to go to him, but the Roman guards kicked him in the face, and Jesus said "Peter, Peter..." and Peter tried to sneak around the guards and they cut him with their swords and Jesus said "Peter, Peter..." and Peter, bleeding badly, crawled up to the cross and gasped, "I'm here Lord, what is it?" and Jesus said "Peter, I can see your house from up here."

[texmo]

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore
Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
Presbyterian: When you rearrange the letters: Best in Prayer
Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A rope ends it
Slot machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash lost in me
The morse code: When you rearrange the letters: here come dots
A decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a dot in place
Mother in Law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! no more z's
Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
President Clinton of the USA: When you rearrange the letters: to copulate he finds interns

[texmo]

3 old ladies where sitting on a park bench. Ethel, Marge and Bessie. Just then a flasher runs up to them, opens his coat and exposes himself to the 3 ladies. Immediately Ethel has a stroke. Marge has a stroke also. But Bessie, being feeble and weak couldn't reach that far.

[texmo]

Michelangelo was up on the scaffolding in the Sistine, a little bored, a little tired. He looks down, sees an old lady kneeling in prayer, and decides to have some fun.

His voice echoes through the Sistine. "This is Jesus. How may I help you?"

The woman showed no sign of hearing him.

He said again, "This is Jesus; how may I help you?"

Still no response.

So he tried one more time. "This is Jesus. How may I help you?"

The woman looked up at heaven and said, "Shut up--I'm-a talkin' to your mama!"

[texmo]

St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.

After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."

Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"

The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"

[texmo]

A prisoner escapes from prison where he has served 15 years. He stops at a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. He kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy's dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too...."

[texmo]

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[texmo]

A court falls silent as the defendant is led into the courtroom.
The judge asks the defendant to stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chainsaw."
The crowd gasps and in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted, banging his gavel. "I will not tolerate such outbursts!"
He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You damned tightwad!" blurts the spectator again.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. After staring into the crowd, daring anyone to challenge him, he continues, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a‹" the man starts to shout, when the judge slams his gavel down and thunders back, "Sir, if you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt and have you locked up!"
The man stands and answers, "I've lived next to that guy for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a damn drill when I asked to borrow one?"

[texmo]

Jesus and Moses are playing golf, and on the third tee Moses shanks one into a pond. "No problem" says Moses. As he lifts his arms, the waters part and he strolls down and chips his ball onto the green.

Jesus hits his ball into the same pond, and starts to walk out onto the water towards the ball. After a few steps he starts flailing his arms and he sinks into the water, finally having to swim out of the pond.

Moses is laughing loudly at this, and asks, "What's the matter Jesus, have you lost your touch?"

Jesus grimaces and explains "I used to be able to do that trick before I got these holes in my feet."

[texmo]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple ofbuttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that...in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned..."Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out.... I D 1 0 T .....

[Wolf]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple ofbuttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that...in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned..."Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out.... I D 1 0 T .....

Watch out JD "Illiad" Fraser (www.userfriendly.org) might kill you for poaching his joke... :devil2:

[texmo]

3 girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the
gate they were halted by Peter and his obedient. Peter asked the girls,
"Before entering you must answer this simple question.

"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still
virgin even after I got married."

"Very good", said Peter. "give this girl... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl. "Oh,quite good",
she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got
married." "Very good", said Peter. "give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all",she said. "I practically have 5ex with every guy I
met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime". "Very good",
said Peter. " give this girl.......my room key."

[texmo]

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying at-
tention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny, what
are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied,
"NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

[texmo]

Q: How do New Zealanders find sheep in long grass
A: Irresistible

Q: Why do New Zealand horses run so fast
A: They’ve seen what’s happened to the sheep

Q: Why do New Zealanders like to fuck their sheep on the edge of cliff tops
A: They Push back better

Q: What’s long hard and fucks New Zealanders
A: The 3rd Grade

Q: What’s the definition of safe sex in New Zealand
A: Branding the sheep that kick

Q: What do you call 4 sheep tied to a post in New Zealand
A: A leisure centre

Q: How do New Zealanders spell sheep
A: They don’t fuck them foe a couple of months

[texmo]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

[texmo]

Saturday morning ...

Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

'Hello?', says a little girl's voice.

'Hi, honey, it's Daddy', says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone'?

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank'.

After a brief pause, Bob says, 'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!'

'Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!'

'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do ... put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house'.

'Okay, Daddy'.

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. 'Well, I did what you said, Daddy!' '

And what happened?'

'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead'.

'Oh, my God .... and what about Uncle Frank?'

'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead, too'.

There is a long pause, then Bob says ...........'Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?!!!

[texmo]

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly
and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[texmo]

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did!

What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

[texmo]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

[texmo]

Three guys are traveling and they need to get a room for the night. They put all of their money together but they still only had enough money to get one room, so that meant they all had to sleep in one bed. They slept that night and when they woke up the guy on the far left said, 'I had the weirdest dream, I dreamed that I was beating off.' The guy on the far right said, 'I had the same dream.'

The guy in the middle said, 'Man, I dreamt I was cross-country skiing.'

[texmo]

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. “What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him. “It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.” “How does it work?” The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake, you asshole…it’s 3:30 in the goddamn morning!”

[texmo]

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?

The woman replies, I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.

The man, now feeling badly, says, Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?

The woman looks at him and says, Pepper.

[texmo]

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy? 'A little embarrassed, she tells him that is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, 'Where is your sponge mommy? 'Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge.' What do you mean you found my sponge? "The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!'

[texmo]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked. The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot‹you might as well go fishing."

[Patrick]

Hey Tex, need some help?

A burglar discovers a couple in bed and he ties them up. He tells them he just got out of jail after 20 years in the joint... He goes over to the woman and begins kissing her neck, then goes off to the bathroom...

While he is gone, the husband says, "20 years is a long time without some loving...20 years is serious time, he must be some bad dude. I saw the way he kissed your neck, let him do whatever he wants and we will survive this. If he wants to screw you, it's O.K, just let it happen. I will love you always...."

Wife says, "You're right, I think he is dangerous. By the way, he wasn't kissing me, he said you look cute and where is the vaseline. I told him it is in the bathroom. Do whatever he wants and we will survive this. If he wants to screw you, it's O.K, just let it happen. I will love you always..."

[texmo]

hey patrick check post number 32 man

[texmo]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

[texmo]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."

[texmo]

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f-cking going!"

[texmo]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators.

[texmo]

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

[texmo]

Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record -- the trainers say the dog might sense nervousness "and do something silly."

[texmo]

1. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. 2. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 3. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 4. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "Email Envy." 5. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun. 7. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses. 8. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 9. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 10. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. 11. If you play with it too much, you go blind.

[texmo]

( The world's funniest joke has been unveiled by scientists at the end of the largest study of humour ever undertaken. This joke got the most laughs world wide according to the study.)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[texmo]

This joke got the most laughs from people in Belgium according to a scientific study on jokes.)

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

[texmo]

(This joke got the most laughs from people in Scotland according to a scientific study on jokes.)

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

[texmo]

(This joke got the most laughs from people in the U.S.A. according to a scientific study on jokes.)

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[texmo]

(This joke got the most laughs from people in England according to a scientific study on jokes.)

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

[texmo]

This left me gasping for air....

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much that her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she wondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
A-hole.

(Gary)
Bitch

(Rebecca)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one

[froggyfrenchman]

This left me gasping for air....

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:



Quite possibly the funniest thing i have seen for weeks! well done tex.

[texmo]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[texmo]

Quite possibly the funniest thing i have seen for weeks! well done tex.
Cher cher brother bear...

[texmo]

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 40 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." No, from skipping."

[texmo]

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

Q: What is better than winning a medal at the
Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded
***********
Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia
**************
Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she
gets out of the battered
wives' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's fucking good
for her
***************
Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying
pan.
***************
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking
her.
****************
Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in
common?
A: They don't fucking listen.
***************
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea
****************
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live
with an irritating cunt once
in a while
*****************
Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
*****************
Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.
*****************
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a
sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her
sister.
*****************
Q. What's the difference between acne and a
Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face
until he's at least 13 years
old.
*****************
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.
*****************
Q. What do you get when you cross two black
people?
A. Your ass kicked.
*****************
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer
and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
*****************
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while
they're driving.
*****************
Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise &
semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's
throat at thirty miles an
hour.
*****************
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
*****************
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a
cliff in your new car.
*****************
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own
name.
*****************
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
*****************
Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic
bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
*****************
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal
sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your
hole weak.
*****************
Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start
eating.
*****************
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.
*****************
Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and
sex education on the same
day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
*****************
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife
and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake
jewellery.
******************
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a
golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
******************
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's
ranch know when it is
bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
******************
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes
and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis,
it's not time.
******************
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe
sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the
animals that kick.
******************
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it

[Sniper]

***************
Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying
pan.
***************


Fucken brilliant :killingme

[texmo]

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two
judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced
chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick!
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili.

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before
I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild
foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No
one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier
than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers
at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy
enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to
see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the
chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder
how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[texmo]

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once
again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build
another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the
blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days
and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no ark. "Noah," he roared,
"I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing
with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted
owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well they argued the accommodation
was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on
your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many
minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with
endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked
up in wonder and asked, "You mean, you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[texmo]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to

continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel

and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then
get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a
bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is
so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms

certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man,
and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge
conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood
and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But
we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees
to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he
says, "this check is only made out for $50."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping
with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here, and you could
have.

[Patrick]

hey patrick check post number 32 man

SHIT!!! I hate that when that happens...must've missed it...ooops... your version was better too...bugg :slap: er!

[texmo]

All good patrick ;)
The wife stands in front of a mirror."you know, dear," she says,
"I look in the mirror & I see an old woman, face wrinkled, fat legs & flabby arms"

She turns to her husb & says, "Tell me something positive to make me
feel better about myself."

He says in a soft voice,"your eye sight is perfect"

[texmo]

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all driving in
a car when the car crashed. Minutes later they appeared up in heaven.

God says to them "Ahead are 100 stairs, at each stair you will be
told a joke, if you laugh you will take the one way train to Hell, if you
remain silent, you will continue on. If you make it to the top,
you will stay in Heaven."

So the brunette started up the stairs. At the 55th stair she laughed,
and was sent abroad the train to hell.

The redhead started to climb but laughed at the 79th stair and
got on the train to Hell.

The blonde started up and made it to the 100th stair. She paused,
then began laughing non stop. Shocked, God asked her why she
had laughed. Still laughing she replied, "I finally got the first
joke!"

[texmo]

ACCOUNTANT : Marriage means making a profit, having another person to
share the daily expenses.

ARCHITECT : A man is said to be incomplete before he's married. After
that, he's finished.

BANKER: Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay the
interest.

CARDIOLOGIST: Love is an itch around the heart that cannot be scratched.

ECONOMIST: Marriage is like a barter trade. There must be a double
coincidence of wants.

FIREMAN: Husbands these days are like fires. They go out if left
unattended.

GOLDSMITH: Love comes in three rings. The first is the engagement ring.
Then comes the wedding ring and then the suffering.

MATHEMATICIAN: Give your wife an inch and she becomes the ruler.

MUSICIAN: Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play
second fiddle.

OPHTHALMOLOGIST: `Love is blind. But marriage is an eye opener.' You
have to see eye to eye.

OPTICIAN: Before you get married, open two eyes. After that,cclose one eye.

PHILOSOPHER: Marriage teaches you forbearances, meekness, patience,
thriftiness and a great many things you wouldn't need if
you had stayed single.

PIANIST: Marriage is like a piano. How well it sounds depends on how
well you keep it in tune.

PLUMBER: Marriage is like a warm bath. Once you get used to it, it is
not so hot.

SOLDIER: Marriage is like a besieged castle. Those who are outside try
to get in while those who are inside try to get out.

VIOLINIST: Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over,
the strings are still attached.

WASHERWOMAN: Marriage is the most expensive way to get your laundry free.

DOCTOR: Marriage should not be a doctor-patient relationship - where
one party practices defensive medicine for fear that the other
would sue for negligence or malpractice.

DRIVER: Love should flow like two-way traffic, but sometimes it goes
into a one-way street and ends up in a dead-end.

[texmo]

1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.

1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"

[texmo]

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.

"Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our car park?"

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"

[texmo]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

So Little Johnny asked, "How come you didn't keep him when you took his picture?"






FARGO, N.D. (AP) - A man thought he might get a protection order lifted by secretly videotaping himself having sex with the woman he was told to leave alone. He was wrong, police said.

Justin W. Fraase, 26, gave the video to an officer, expecting it to show the woman didn't fear him. Instead, the tape revealed more than enough evidence for his arrest, police said.

"He obviously didn't watch it before he gave it to us," Lt. Tod Dahle said. Fraase was charged Thursday with sexually assaulting the woman two days earlier in his apartment.

A judge set his bail at $50,000 cash or bond. The woman, who has two children with Fraase, said he called her over to his home to discuss the custody of their kids.

When she arrived, he cornered her and wouldn't let her call for help until she had sex with him, she told police. "I was terrified," she said Thursday. "I didn't know what to do."

Afterward, Fraase showed her a camcorder and told her he had taped them.

Assistant Cass County State's Attorney Leah Viste watched the video and charged Fraase with three felonies: gross sexual imposition, felonious restraint and violation of a protection order. She also charged him with surreptitious intrusion and simple assault, both misdemeanors.

The video, which Viste said is 30 to 40 minutes long, includes audio of the woman's struggle and makes it clear she didn't want the sex, Dahle said. "He provides us the videotape and doesn't realize that there's all this evidence on there that ends up putting him in jail on all these felony charges," Dahle said. "So basically he arrested himself."





</FONT>

[texmo]

some funny pictures inspired by

-indy


A blonde walks up to a vending machine and puts in some coins. Sure enough, out pops a can of soda. The blonde is amazed, and runs away to get some more coins.


She returns and starts feeding the vending machine full of more coins, and the machine keeps spitting out more cans of soda.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her, "Do you mind if I have a go?" The blonde turns and shouts, "Heck no, can't you see I'm on a winning streak!"

[texmo]

Clyde, a farmer in Alabama, decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the
accident) to court In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Clyde.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the
lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the
accident?"

Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is A fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.

I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "About that time
Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in
his hand and looked at me and said, "And, how are you feeling?'"

[texmo]

A CRUSTY OLD MARINE CORPS COLONEL FOUND
HIMSELF AT A GALA EVENT DOWNTOWN, HOSTED BY A LOCAL
LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE. THERE WAS NO SHORTAGE OF
EXTREMELY YOUNG, IDEALISTIC LADIES IN ATTENDANCE;

ONE OF WHOM APPROACHED THE COLONEL FOR CONVERSATION.
SHE SAID, "EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT YOU SEEM TO BE A VERY
SERIOUS MAN. ARE YOU THIS WAY ALL THE TIME, OR IS
SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU?"

"NO," THE COLONEL SAID, "JUST SERIOUS BY NATURE!"
THE YOUNG LADY LOOKED AT HIS AWARDS AND AND SAID, "IT LOOKS LIKE YOU
HAVE SEEN A LOT OF ACTION"

THE COLONEL'S SHORT REPLY WAS, "YES, A LOT OF
ACTION." THE YOUNG LADY, TIRING OF TRYING TO START UP A
CONVERSATION, SAID, "YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD LIGHTEN UP A
LITTLE.....RELAX AND ENJOY YOURSELF."

THE COLONEL JUST STARED AT HER IN HIS SERIOUS
MANNER.

FINALLY THE YOUNG LADY SAID, "YOU KNOW, I HOPE YOU
DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT WHEN IS THE LAST
TIME YOU HAD SEX?"

THE COLONEL LOOKED AT HER AND REPLIED, "1955."

SHE SAID, "WELL THERE YOU GO, YOU REALLY NEED TO
CHILL OUT AND QUIT TAKING EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY......I MEAN, NO SEX
SINCE 1955, ISN'T THAT A LITTLE EXTREME?"

THE COLONEL, GLANCING AT HIS WATCH, SAID IN HIS
MATTER-OF-FACT VOICE, "OH, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S ONLY
2130 NOW!"

[texmo]

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery ... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

[texmo]

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir", she said,
"You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one
labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice
feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced
the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his
bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. T
he ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed it's pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the
ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he was in a hospital and as soon as he opened his eyes, a
nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.. "What happened?" he
exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons, didn’t you" replied the nurse.
The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your dick is underneath your pillow."

[texmo]

Apparently a true letter sent out by an appalachia resident who had joined the army.


Dear Pa & Ma,

Am well, Hope you are too. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.,
but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine
some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split,
fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings. Like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant,
pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit
between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus your holds you
till noon, when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches
which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks
so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as
far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all
ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captain. is like the
school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't
bother you none.

This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and
don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even
load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get onto
this setup & come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

[texmo]

Last winter some dolt posted an on-line petition suggesting that the name "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" was intentionally offensive to the memory of 9/11...

There were about 3600 signatures, of which about 2000 are sarcastic... below is the original petition, and just a smattering of some of the replies:

To: Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema
Those of us who have seen “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” know what an amazing director Peter Jackson is. When I learned that there apparently was to be a sequel, I was overjoyed.

However, Peter Jackson has decided to tastelessly name the sequel "The Two Towers". The title is clearly meant to refer to the attacks on the World Trade Center. In this post- September 11 world, it is unforgivable that this should be allowed to happen. The idea is both offensive and morally repugnant. Hopefully, when Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema see the number of signatures on this petition, the title will be changed to something a little more sensitive.

Sincerely, The Undersigned

818. C. Hart
I think it would be best, in light of recent events, if the film were simply not shown at all. And by "recent events" I mean "that God-awful first Lord of the Rings film."

1076. Sigmund Wonder
Oh thank you so much for this. Those shameless money-mongers care for nothing but themselves. Could you please start a petition to stop those fascist police from using 911 as their phone number too? That is also something that bothers me.

1102. Paul
They have no sensitivity; I wont even let my twin kids stand next to each other out of respect for 9/11

1183. Lionel Hutz
I myself am a big Elvis fan, and if they name the third film after the book title "Return of the King" I will start my own petition....

1172. Joseph Minkock
How about changing it to: "Frodo's Hilarious Journey"?

1225. Hamm Hurabi
I demand that the number two no longer be used!

1346. Burt Convy's nipples
Yes, this exploitative Tolkien fellow should develop TV programs for Fox. I say change the next movie to *honor* the event: something like "Frodo, the Littlest Fireman."

1443. Olly
I'll sign anything.

1434. William Shatner
I think Jackson's choice of title is shocking and offensive. Two new buildings were recently constructed in my hometown, but we managed to have them demolished and the offenders removed from society.

1422. Ajax Cortina
While you're at it, let's ban the number 11. Every time I see it, I cry.

1405. Pass
I believe Twins should be banned from entering Tower Records stores.

1387. Ashton Kushner
I think it should be renamed "Dude, where's my Precious?"

[texmo]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed,
naked and waiting on her husband.

As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later,
feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife crapped on my face,
bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

[texmo]

Bubba died in a fire and was burned pretty bad.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends,
Daryl and Gomer, were called for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl looked and
said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't
Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and he was pretty sure of the
body's identity.

Gomer was then brought in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and
said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "Nope, ain't
Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would
say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes

[texmo]

Number 1
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.

The first oldguy said,
"My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said,
"My hands shake so bad,that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said,
"That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"



number 2
Once upon a time there was a lazy little bird who decided one year
not to fly south for the winter. However, as time went by it got
colder and colder forcing the bird to reluctantly set off.

As soon as the bird got into the sky its little wings froze and it
hurtled to the ground landing in a farmyard.
The poor little thing knew that its time was up.

After a short time a cow walking through the farm deficated
on our friend who thought that now it would surely die. However,
the manure warmed the bird and feeling happier it began to sing.
The passing farm cat on hearing the chirping went to investigate,
cleared the manure and promptly ate the bird...

My little story has 3 morals :-

1. Someone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2. Someone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit keep your fuckin mouth shut.


number 3
A cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep up in the Flathead Valley of Montana.


Cowboy:
"Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"


Indian:
"Dog no talk."


Cowboy:
"Hey dog, how's it going?"


Dog:
"Doin' all right."


Indian:
(Look of shock.)


Cowboy:
"Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)


Dog:
"Yep."


Cowboy:
"How does he treat you?"


Dog:
"Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."


Indian:
(Look of total disbelief.)


Cowboy:
"Mind if I talk to your horse?"


Indian:
"Horse no talk."


Cowboy:
"Hey horse, how's it going?"


Horse:
"Cool."


Cowboy:
"Is this your owner?" (pointing to Indian)


Horse:
"Yep."


Cowboy:
"How's he treat you?"


Horse:
"Pretty good. Thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements."


Indian:
(Look of total amazement)


Cowboy:
"Mind if I talk to your sheep?"


Indian:
"Sheep lie."

[texmo]

A biker had been injured in an accident and was hospitalized.
Several nurses each had the opportunity to give him a sponge
bath and were commenting on his genitals. They all had noticed
a tattoo of the word ''Little." So they drew straws to see who
would find out what the whole tattoo said. The nurse with the
shortest straw went into the guy's room while the others
waited in the hall. Suddenly, they heard a commotion, then moans
of passion and a piercing scream. Finally, she came out of the room
with her skirt up around her waist, her panties around one ankle and
a contented smile on her face. The others ask her what she found out.




"It says 'Little Rock Arkansas, Big Dick Champion, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997 and 1998!'''

[texmo]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was Trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice
it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael.
He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher.
She's dead."



number 2

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a
golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the
dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading
a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.
He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man
looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a
magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer
then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it
look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm 17," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about
twelve minutes she'll be 16."

number3
little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow A human; it
was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


number 4
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything
to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time,
but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.


Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated
at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.


The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer,
bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.


"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.


The old man looked him up and down and said,
"Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high.
Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.


"Sure will," said the old-timer.


The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44
and shot the bow tie off the piano player.


"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"


"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.
That'll give you a smoother draw."


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.


"You bet it will," said the old-timer.


The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, t
hen shot a cufflink off the piano player.


"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"


The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
"See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."


The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.


"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.


"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano,
he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."

[scumdog]

An oldie but a goodie, heard the Wyatt Earp one when I was at high school, been a long time since I last heard it though..

[texmo]

Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY
think about him/her?

Well, if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then you'd better
keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I
expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four
years.

But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the
Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY
thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her
straight in the eye.

"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly, you could practice birth
control just by leaving the lights on!"

And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that
it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living
room, where it proudly exclaims to the world:

"In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate
to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"

[texmo]

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

[texmo]

A millionaire threw a magnificent party for his many friends. Only one
thing was bothering everyone, his very large pool was filled with
alligators. Towards the end of the evening he stood before a podium and
announced to his guests, "The first person that swims across this here pool
will get a million dollars!"

He then stepped back and waited for a response. No one responded, so he
made another offer "I'll give the first person a million dollars and my
mansion." Once again he stepped back and waited. Finally he said, "I'll
give you a million dollars, my mansion, and a choice between my
Corvette or Lamborghini."

Suddenly he heard a splash, turned to see a man swimming across the
pool hitting one alligator up side the head, wrestling one after the
other. With lots of luck the man reached the other end of the pool, he
climbed out at the millionaire's feet. The millionaire congratulated him and
invited him up to his office to receive his awards. When they got to
his office the millionaire asked, "What do you want, the Corvette or
Lamborghini?"

The man replied, "I want the jerk that pushed me into the pool!"

[texmo]

It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian
competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull
costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic
feel for the music.

The Judges' scores read:

Britain 5.8
Russia 5.9
United States 5.5
Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes
costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd
clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly
misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But,
artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.

The Judges' scores read:

Britain 5.8
Russia 5.5
United States 5.9
Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey
jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips
straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get
up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire
'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the
ice a tattered and bleeding mess.

The Judges' scores read:

Britain 0.0
Russia 0.0
United States 0.0
Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison,

"How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"

To which the Irish judge replies, "You've gotta remember, it's damn
slippery out there."

[texmo]

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man.

"After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

[texmo]

I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him
stalking around the kitchen with a flyswatter.

When I asked if he had gotten any flies he answered, "Yeah,
5... 3 males and 2 females."

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, "It's easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on
the phone.

[texmo]

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an
important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and
narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the
Same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is
Lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on
his Side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from France, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from America, says My answer is, that there is no way to
determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one from Australia says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it
narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
The Australian got the job.


reading it out loud makes it eayser to understand.

[texmo]

A shipwrecked man was barely surviving after four months on a deserted island, when one day on the beach, a gorgeous woman rowed up to the shore. "I've been on the other side of the island since my cruise ship sank," she told him.
"At least you had a rowboat wash up with you," he said.
"Oh, I made that out of palm branches and coconut trees." She explained.
"With no tools?" He asked incredulously.
"It was a simple matter of heating an unusual type of rock I found to a certain temperature in my kiln, then melting that into a forgeable iron to make the hardware." She told him. "Do you want to come see my treehouse?"
Well, did he ever! This woman had an amazing fortress, and she cooked him a delicious five-course dinner in her handmade cookware.
After dinner, she went to slip into something comfortable and came back wearing almost nothing. She gazed into his eyes and said, "We've been lonely. I'm sure there's something you want to do right now, something you've been longing for all of these months. I think you know what I mean." He couldn't believe his luck.
"You mean..." He was almost speechless. "I can check my e-mail from here?!"

[texmo]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old, dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of tourists who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much as he could from the sunken vessel. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore, he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy." I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.


this one is a repost im sure........
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did?"
"Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first."

[texmo]

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?

Johnny: HIJKLMNO!!!

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Johnny: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

*****

Teacher: Johnny, how do you spell "crocodile?"

Johnny: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

Teacher: No, that's wrong.

Johnny: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

*****

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I."

Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No! Johnny. Always say, "I am."

Johnny: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

*****

Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing. One is green and one is blue with red spots!

Johnny: Yes, it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.

[texmo]

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"




number 2
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer
on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think
this one through!

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of
the earth: one is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers; the other
is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are both thinking
the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking??????
.
.
.
Scroll down for the answer!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down.

[texmo]

was at my regular pub the other night when big Alex walked in, took his usual seat and ordered a pint of his favorite lager.

Alex leaned over and said to me: "I've just called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."

I was confused by this remark so asked him, "Why on earth would you want to know such a thing???"

Alex leaned closer and explained: "Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week..."

[texmo]

Tell me something," asked Stumpy, "How many cookies can you eat on an
empty stomach, little Johnny?"

Little Johnny scratched his head and said, "Well, five, I think."

"Wrong," said Stumpy. "You can only eat just one. After that, your
stomach isn't empty any more! Gotcha!"

Little Johnny was impressed so he decided to pull the joke on his
sister, Judi, when he got home.

"Hey, Sis, how many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?"

Judi thought for a minute or two and said, "Two."

Little Johnny was dejected. "Aw, if you'd said *FIVE* I had a GREAT joke for you!"

[texmo]

One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced that a friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well, mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and then daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get
babies."

Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye, and said "Oh honey, that's sweet but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."






For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman
with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned
and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be
able to take my turn.

A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed
up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after
all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the
garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he
shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.

Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house
chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son
returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the
house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."

[texmo]

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

[WRT]

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them.


Do you know the definition of the work "indefinitely"?






If your balls are slapping on her arse, then your in - definitely!

[texmo]

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

[texmo]

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"

[texmo]

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to
conduct a survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to
find out peoples' favourite pastimes.

The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he
started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building
near the university.

He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
"Sir, what is your name ?" ; asked the student "John" ,replied the
man.
"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your
favourite pastime ?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath," Came the reply.

He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he
came to the next door, when he asked again.
"Sir, what is your name ?"
"Jeff !" ,said the second man.
"Sir, Would you please tell me your favourite pastime ?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath," was the answer.

Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people
in the building and all of them had the same pastime "watching
bubbles in the bath".

He left the building and walked across the street where there were
several row houses to continue the survey.
At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens
the door.
Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"
"Bubbles !"

[texmo]

One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding
parents left us alone in the living room. Naturally, we did not talk
all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her
nightgown watching us from the doorway. "If you will be a good girl and
go to bed, I will give you a quarter," I said to her. Without taking
the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again. "Here
is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."
-----------------------------------------------------
man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed
from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of
them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more
shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach
the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I
am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in
his blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I
said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty!' So your Honor, I
can not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance, the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box.
That man is his lawyer."

[texmo]

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.

His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny asks, "Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.

So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

"What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more black?" asks his dad.

"Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the fucking thing."

[Goblin]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt
to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various
bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. That
bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became
as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first
communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both
legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of
the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was
in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.
He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it,
circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[WickedOne]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, It's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C's. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No, Honey, Its because you're 24."

[MSTRS]

NWS but not bad

[Swoop]

BUMPing this thread, it mustn't die!



Pornstar milk!
A pornstar heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So she left a note
for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5
gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The pornstar came to the door and the milkman said: "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of
milk.
Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The pornstar said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
The pornstar said, "No, just up to my tits."

[Swoop]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."