Glasgow Humour - could be an urban myth

[McJim]

It could have only happen in Glasgow...

Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the Microphone...

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence...



"Well, f***ing stop it then!"

[Swoop]

Hecklers... gotta love them!
Enter Stadtler and Waldorf...

[Lias]

I'd be yelling "clap faster, clap faster!"

[Sniper]

I'd be yelling "clap faster, clap faster!"

No matter how fast you clap, they breed faster.

[Lias]

No matter how fast you clap, they breed faster.

WTB a biowarfare lab, some crazy scientists, and some ebola samples.

[Sniper]

WTB a biowarfare lab, some crazy scientists, and some ebola samples.

We tried it with 1080

[Lias]

We tried it with 1080

Did you know that the SADF had a covert bioweapons program which amongst other things was actively trying to develop a bioweapon which would render all black women infertile? Damn shame they never got it sussed.

Then again i'm still pissy the SA govt didnt hand over all the nukes to the AWB instead of disarming.

[MattRSK]

A little racist dont you think?

[Sniper]

A little racist dont you think?

Boo fucken hoo, you ever lived there?

[MattRSK]

Boo fucken hoo, you ever lived there?

No, still people though aren't they

[SwanTiger]

Sit where you are now and watch a clock counting in seconds, each time a second goes past try to imagine a face dying. Do it for at least a minute. It starts to sink in after a while...

"Damn, I wish I was a funeral director" ... *Face Dying* ... "Damn, I wish I was a funeral director" ...

Just think, 1 goat per funeral ($10 USD), that's a potential 86,400 goats you could be slaughtering and exporting to foreign countries at a premium, EACH DAY! That's $864,000 USD worth of potential income, again, EACH DAY!

But lets look at it from a morbid point of view; The human body has a number of bio-chemical properties that can be used in the production of certain materials. 86,400 bodies, EACH DAY, would be more than enough to supply a potential source of fuel or for export as a raw material to a flourishing economy such as China's.

Huge opportunities here people.

I like Glasgow humour too.

[Sniper]

Did you know that the SADF had a covert bioweapons program which amongst other things was actively trying to develop a bioweapon which would render all black women infertile?

Yea, I knew a guy involved in that too. 1080 was a result of it....

[R6_kid]

Sit where you are now and watch a clock counting in seconds, each time a second goes past try to imagine a face dying. Do it for at least a minute. It starts to sink in after a while...

"Damn, I wish I was a funeral director" ... *Face Dying* ... "Damn, I wish I was a funeral director" ...

Just think, 1 goat per funeral ($10 USD), that's a potential 86,400 goats you could be slaughtering and exporting to foreign countries at a premium, EACH DAY! That's $864,000 USD worth of potential income, again, EACH DAY!

But lets look at it from a morbid point of view; The human body has a number of bio-chemical properties that can be used in the production of certain materials. 86,400 bodies, EACH DAY, would be more than enough to supply a potential source of fuel or for export as a raw material to a flourishing economy such as China's.

Huge opportunities here people.

I like Glasgow humour too.

dude...... WHAT THE FUCK!!!

[McJim]

Crikey!

God bless New Zealand - where else could a glib Glaswegian comment cause a discussion on biological warfare and ethnic cleansing...not to mention recycling of human bodies as fuel.

Is this sort of thing likely to happen every time I share a joke?>

:rofl:

[Ghost Lemur]

Crikey!

God bless New Zealand - where else could a glib Glaswegian comment cause a discussion on biological warfare and ethnic cleansing...not to mention recycling of human bodies as fuel.

Is this sort of thing likely to happen every time I share a joke?>

:rofl:

It's not that we're prejudice. I personally hate everyone equally. :banana:

[Sniper]

It's not that we're prejudice. I personally hate everyone equally. :banana:

Kind of like ," Im not rude, you are just insignificant"?

[SwanTiger]

Crikey!

God bless New Zealand - where else could a glib Glaswegian comment cause a discussion on biological warfare and ethnic cleansing...not to mention recycling of human bodies as fuel.

Is this sort of thing likely to happen every time I share a joke?>

:rofl:

Nah, it's just the Kiwi attitude mate, make positive do with what yah got! :2thumbsup

[Maverick]

Crikey!


Is this sort of thing likely to happen every time I share a joke?>

:rofl:

Is this sort of thing likely to happen every time we press the Infinate improbability button?

Very Probably. :Pokey:

[Maha]

Bono may front one of the worlds greatest rock bands (in someone's opinion) not mine..... but what a cock!....bleating on about shit like that a Rock concert?? fuck man, shut the fuck up and sing, poverty and people dying of starvation in Africa and neighbouring country's has been going on for, as long as i can remember, it aint a new thing. Why doesn't he buy a small useless country and attend to the problem personally, then he could call himself 'KING'...:done:

[sels1]

........"Well, f***ing stop it then!"
Well I thought it was amusing. Could sorta imagine Billy Connolly telling it.

[outlawtorn]

bono is a pratt, he should keep his fucking political/social issues at the door of the gig and just do music, keep that other shit for some other time.......

bono is very insignificunt in my eyes

[McJim]

Bono may front one of the worlds greatest rock bands (in someone's opinion) not mine..... but what a cock!....bleating on about shit like that a Rock concert?? fuck man, shut the fuck up and sing, poverty and people dying of starvation in Africa and neighbouring country's has been going on for, as long as i can remember, it aint a new thing. Why doesn't he buy a small useless country and attend to the problem personally, then he could call himself 'KING'...:done:

Actually that's the gist of what the fella in the audience was trying to say...albeit more succinctly!

[Maha]

Actually that's the gist of what the fella in the audience was trying to say...albeit more succinctly!

Yeah....:Punk: *BLING* to that man, im sure he would be a KBer?.....:cool:

[outlawtorn]

someone should have started up
"If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands...."

[The_Dover]

"if you're racist and you know it, clap your hands"
"if you're a saffer and a blow hard, clap your hands"
"if you're fascist and a red neck and your gene pool is restricted"
"if you're a white sepremacist, clap your hands"

Edit: that is assuming you have the motor skills and co-ordination required.

[Sniper]

"if you're racist and you know it, clap your hands"
"if you're a saffer and a blow hard, clap your hands"
"if you're fascist and a red neck and your gene pool is restricted"
"if you're a white sepremacist, clap your hands"

Edit: that is assuming you have the motor skills and co-ordination required.

You are such an accepting, understanding sort... :banana:

[Animal]

A little racist dont you think?
Fuck off, you need to have lived there before you climb onto your Moral Pedestal.

[Sniper]

Fuck off, you need to have lived there before you climb onto your Moral Pedestal.

Careful matey, there is a moderator around who has lived there and has some strange thoughts to rasism issues.

[Animal]

Careful matey, there is a moderator around who has lived there and has some strange thoughts to rasism issues.
Hmm... noted.

[Ixion]

Crikey!

God bless New Zealand - where else could a glib Glaswegian comment cause a discussion on biological warfare and ethnic cleansing...not to mention recycling of human bodies as fuel.

Is this sort of thing likely to happen every time I share a joke?>

:rofl:

Human bodies are a much wasted resource, not least for fuel. I once got into some degree of trouble for quite innocently suggesting crematoria as likely prospects for the sale of co-generation capacity.

All that waste heat energy just going up the chimney, it's a shame.

(Uh, what was the joke? and who is "bono"? And what's he got against African children? )

[Kickaha]

Human bodies are a much wasted resource, not least for fuel.

Wasn't there a tihng on TV a while back where they had used body fat and turned it into biofuel?, was it that boat that was doing the round the world trip?

yeah found it, scroll down it's the third story
http://calorielab.com/news/2005/11/11/

[outlawtorn]

Wasn't there a tihng on TV a while back where they had used body fat and turned it into biofuel?, was it that boat that was doing the round the world trip?

yeah found it, scroll down it's the third story
http://calorielab.com/news/2005/11/11/

www.earthrace.net (http://www.earthrace.net), he is currently running out of money, but trying nonetheless.

[SARGE]

Crikey!

God bless New Zealand - where else could a glib Glaswegian comment cause a discussion on biological warfare and ethnic cleansing...not to mention recycling of human bodies as fuel.

Is this sort of thing likely to happen every time I share a joke?>

:rofl:




SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!!!

[Skyryder]

Crikey!

God bless New Zealand - where else could a glib Glaswegian comment cause a discussion on biological warfare and ethnic cleansing...not to mention recycling of human bodies as fuel.

Is this sort of thing likely to happen every time I share a joke?>:rofl:

Nope. It's only got this far because some mod has not ordered us to get back 'on topic.'

This is what use to make KB so different from any other forum I've posted on.

STAY ON TOPIC. DO NOT DEVIATE FROM SAID TOPIC. In the last ten minutes I've come across four threads that a mod has ordered to 'stay on topic.' Realy??

Use to be sect down here in Chch..........that was called the God Squad.

They have just rebranded and are here on KB as the Mod Squad.

Skyryder

[McJim]

I'm gonnae treat this thread as "Ma wee scabby thread" basically means I'll come back and scratch it every once in a while with any other gems of Glesga humour I come across.

Like the bloke in Glasgow walking home one night with his hand clasped to the side of his head. Blood was pouring through his fingers when a policeman stopped him and said "Are you alright there Jim?" (everyone in Glasgow is called Jim...except wee Tam ...but he's jist fucken weird).
"Aye occifer Ah'm alright - jist some bastard cut ma ear of 's all"
"That's terrible, did you get a good look at him?"
"Naw - was awfie dark"
"Did you know the guy?"
"Naw - nivver met him afore"
"So you wouldn't be able to identify him then?"
"Identify him? Why didn't you say so - of course I can identify him!"
"But you don't know him and you didn't see him - how can you identify him"
"Ach - I've got his nose here in ma pocket...look"

[SPman]

Love It !



Oh yes....GET BACK ON THE THREAD!


.....aaaah...you already have............